Beauty and the Beast

 For so many years you accused me if lying.  Even when I am honest you still accuse of lies. It never mattered how extremely truthful I was, you would refuse to believe me, refuse to trust me. Now, now I see it was because of all the lies you were telling you were unable to trust others were and are honest. You lie to everyone around you with such and lack of caring of the effects such lies will have. 

For so many years, I worried about opening myself up and showing you who I truly was and am. I sincerely believed you were the beauty and I the beast. I always second guessed myself and never had faith that someone with such beauty could ever love the beast I was in my scars and damage. I never realized the whole time you were nothing but a facade, a fake, hiding who you truly were. I may be scarred and damaged, but I am not full of hate, anger, resentment. You like to claim I am because I harp on my damage. I discovered however it is truly you who is. 

We often seek out in others what we truly are. When you descriptions of me did not match my own internal check of myself, I finally discovered it wasn't me you were talking about, but rather it was yourself. You would lend yourself to verbal abuse of those who love and depend on you. You stoop to place blame on everyone and everything else, it is never you, never your fault. You gaslight and twist. 

I pity you. You had a world where you were so loved and you could never accept that love. 

It turns out the story flipped. I really was and am the beauty, even in my scars, even in my broken pieces and places. I am beauty. You are and have been the beast, raging with anger, disgusted by the world and how you've been wronged, always looking for a temporary fix, abusive and neglectful, manipulative and gaslighting. I wish you'd been who you pretended to be, who I sincerely thought you were. I wish you'd been full of light and love rather than the blackmore which consumes you. Even those who seem full of dark are often those filled with the most light, but have just forgotten how to let that light shine. But no, no, you, my friend are not darkness, but a blackholw which consumes all the light around it. You have no light and you kill the light of those around you. 

I hope one day you learn this and accept this about yourself. I hope when you do, you find the desire to correct it and become who you claimed and pretended to be, because that persona has so much potential and beauty about them. 

You owned a piece of me. You had my love.  I am sorry it never mattered to you. 

I do not wish evil or bad things upon the rest of the path you tread in this life. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best. I simply can no longer be a part of the lies you live and tell. I can no longer be your ego boost. You never cared for me, you truly never loved me, I was just naive enough to think you did and trust those words when you spoke them. I am releasing myself from the lie of you. You never wanted me, so I know you do not miss me. I know you do not care, for I am not sure you truly know how to care about anyone or anything.  I don't even think you know how to love or care for yourself. I hope maybe before you see the end of your days on this earth you truly learn how to love yourself and are able to love someone other than you, to know what it is like to put them 1st - always. Good luck. Go in peace.  Know if you'd been who you'd said you were, claimed to be, lied about being, you'd have my heart still even if I knew our paths could no longer continue parallel.  Unfortunately, instead, I am left picking up and putting back together the pieces of shattered hope, love, and worst of all trust - for what is likely the last time.  Thank you for the lesson in knowing I am unloved and unlovable, I cannot trust or care for others without being broken and twisted. Thank you the lesson. I hope you learn your lesson soon enough before life runs short and there is not time left to learn. 

Choosing you or selfish me

 The road stretched out before the truck. I went to speak but my throat closed as I choked on the words and my eyes welled with tears. I looked over and his eyes remained firmly on the road ahead. I turned to stare out the window before he saw the shimmer in my eyes and to fight back the tears that hovered at rims of my eyes and threatened to stream down my face. I focused on my breathing and sights out the window rather than words in my head. 

"Well?" he questioned as his eyes remained fixed on the highway ahead. 

"Just need a minute," I replied in barely a whisper.  

How did I even start the conversation I was having in my head. I felt so lost and so confident at the same time. It was a complete conundrum. 

I felt he was in this with me, but was he really. I believed he loved me, but maybe I was fooling myself. I vowed I would choose him daily, but maybe in holding on, I was choosing me more than I was choosing him; maybe to choose him, I needed to go, let him go. As I thought of those words again, of choosing him and letting him go, my throat closed yet again, and tears threatened again to spill over my eyelids and down my face; it hurt to breathe and my insides felt split in two. Was I being selfish? 

I took another deep slow breath, and exhaled slowly as I regained some composure. 

My voice was shaky and cracked as I spoke, "I wrote a letter." 

"Yes." 

"You didn't respond or comment." 

"I believe I did. I told you it said a lot of what I had already said." 

"I poured myself into it. I bore parts of myself. I tried to open myself. Telling me it contained a lot of what you said is not really commenting on it. I still don't even know what that means." 

Silence as he drove and again my emotions were getting the better of me. I was trying to remember my vow to be open minded in conversation, especially the tough ones; and also my vow for honesty. I believed he loved me. I had seen it in his eyes. Maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. He had never said it that I clearly remember....I think I dreamt one night he had, but had he really ever said it out loud? If I were being honest, if one of my friends had discussed a relationship like ours to me, I would support them but all the while worry I was wrong in doing so. On the other hand, why did it have to be conventional? Did conventional actually work for people? If we could find our own way, if this worked for us, why did it matter what we should be doing, in place of doing what worked? But, did this work? 

As he let the silence sit and I worked to regain control, I stared out the window. I willed myself to not cry, to not become overly emotional, to regain control of my thoughts and stay on topic. I was not trying to point fingers or make accusations. I was trying to gain information that would assist me with knowing how I should proceed.  

Again, a deep breath in and slowly exhaled, all while willing myself to regain control of my emotions, to quit thinking negative and focus on the positive. 

"I keep hearing you tell me we are either too much alike or too different," I started. 

"Agreed" was the answer in return. 

"I am lost how two people can be both. How we are so much alike it is negative and yet so different it is a negative. I am lost in these statements. I almost feel you are trying to talk yourself out of this.....relationship." I further explained. 

To this, his eyes remained on the road and space between us seemed immense. I only wished to be near him. I wanted to touch his hand, but he was too far away. I truly wanted to be beside him in the seat, but the truck did not allow for it. 

"If a friend told me they were in a relationship where their significant other told them they did not see a future where they would ever be together, I would want to support them, but I would think they were crazy. For us, things work as they are. I hurt when you state you do not see any future for us. I get the complications. I try to keep my requests within reason. My future is all hypothetical, and yet, I was told no. I think when I brought up how much it bothered me, you rephrased."

"I do not see things changing so there would not be a future. When you explained your pain, I explained that in the hypothetical situation you presented, nothing would change between us. Meaning I would not choose you but I also would not walk away. It would just be as it is with maybe a little less complication." 

"I am not trying to point fingers or beat things to death. I am merely trying to explain why I have questions. I am trying to not bury the questions and make assumptions. Yet, when I question directly, often, those questions still go unanswered. Maybe I am better to keep those thoughts to myself and make my own assumptions.
    Am I becoming a drain on your energy? Am I actually choosing you? Is this making you happy at all? Or am I only causing more stress? While I think I am choosing you, am I in reality actually just choosing myself, being selfish, forcing us down a path that makes me happy but leaves you wanting out? I believe you said it and I admitted, I need a lot. I need conversation and interaction. I am not sure you have the time nor the energy for me and what I need. So, I ask again, am I being selfish? Or are you up for the challenge? I will choose you every time, even if it means sacrificing myself. So I will hurt, but if I am not what you want or need, if this is more than you have time or energy to deal with, if you would rather just not anymore, I will choose you and respect those wishes, despite the hurt." 

At this, the tears were streaming down my face and I turned to stare out the window again. I was willing to live by our own rules and not those society feels you need to live by. However, only if we were both committed to the relationship. I was tired of being a burden on everyone, I wasn't going to be a burden to the one person who meant so much to me. I just needed to hear the confirmation that he was in, or that he was done. Either way, I would respect his wishes. I hoped it was he was in, but I much work as I can be, I would understand if he were done. 

I sat in silence, waiting for his response, and trying to not sob while the tears still slid silently down my cheeks. I love him. I only hope he does truly love me back and it is not a lie I have convinced myself to believe. 

Too young

He was close to perfection yet a perfectly fallible teen. Every girl wanted to date him. Every guy wanted to be him. And somehow, she was a part of his world for a small moment in time. She never believed he saw her as anything more than a friend. There was once talk from others of his interest in her beyond friendship, but she would never know. 

She was happy just to share what little company he was willing to provide. She felt comfortable around him. It amazed her that he would enjoy coming to her house and spending time not just with her but her crazy mother and slightly goofy step-dad. Her house was small and old and left a lot to be desired. The carpet, where there was carpet, was still 70s shag orange and gold. The tile was laminate and green or cream, but most of it was cracked and peeling. The bookshelves were over run with too many books. The church pew held too many items for anyone to sit upon it. There were too many records for the shelve with record player to hold them all. Behind her step-dads chair was a dancing Elvis clock. The kitchen table was never used for eating and contained too many items even if it were wanted to be used for a meal. He had been in her cluttered room once, only to see the art work and poems on the walls. 

He enjoyed it at her house and she never understood why. He once said because he felt wanted. She is glad he had that feeling. She is glad she and her wacky family gave him that small comfort. 

At 16, he was the embodiment of perfection. Tall, athletic, blonde hair, and blue eyes. Today, she could not tell you his weight class, but he was a boxer, on his way to the junior Olympics for the second time and so proud. Her parents loved to talk boxing, a dying art they called it, and she always felt the shared interest and intrigue in his life and sport kept him coming back to visit. 

He would use her as a barbell. Looking back now, her body weight was easily 100 lbs less than the weight he used to work out regularly, but she always worried she was too heavy, fat, because she had been told so most of her life. Her brother had used her has a home weight set at a very early age so she knew how to keep her body straight and rigid. She'll never understand truly why he started paying attention to her, why he started talking to her, but she is go glad for the short time she knew him. 

His name is Billy, or I suppose in honesty, William. He died at the age of 16, only months after the friendship began to blossom and only a few short months before she was going to watch him box in the Jr Olympics. She didn't attend his funeral, not many people knew they had grown close and she was afraid of the ridicule from those who'd never understand. In her heart, she was there. 

The story is told his parents were fighting. The fight was getting extremely out of hand. In an effort to make them stop he grabbed a gun. When they still did not stop, he turned it on himself.  His dad tried to grab the gun from him when it discharged in his abdomen/chest. His younger brother, roughly 14 at the time witnessed the event. His parents called 911, but he bled out before they made it to the hospital.  

He was 16. He was kind. He cared about others and had a huge heart, too good for this world. He was an athlete, a brother, a son, and a good friend. He potentially had a great life ahead of him and it was lost too soon. 

I wish I would have seen Billy at age 20, age 30, and now at age 40. I can only imagine him in great shape, doing all he can for those who have less, still being kind to those around him. He was a great example of looking beyond appearances to the heart and soul of a person. We had long late night talks about what lay beyond; the meaning of it all.  Our souls matched each other, much too old and wise for our years. We found each other like we had known each other before and were destined to know each other again. His life and his death were all part of some bigger picture I am not aware of, but I am blessed our paths crossed and we found each other briefly before he was gone too soon. 

Procrastination

 Welcome to the world of yours truly. I am a procrastinator. I always think there will be enough time to finish a project or complete a task, then I become distracted with any number of things in front of me at the time and next thing you know, I am scrambling to complete what needs to be done minutes before it is due. 

Take for instance this evening. I have 7 hour to complete a paper. This paper was to interview 6 professionals and write a brief synopsis of each professional then review their interview questions to write several paragraphs of reflection on what I learned from these professionals. An hour ago, I had two of these six interviews complete. I have another two in process. I will have to go with four of the six and suffer the consequences for the lack of fully completing the assignment. 

As I am sitting here, attempting to put my focus on the assignment, I instead open my blog and begin to type. At the same time, I am looking around my room at all the clutter I need to remove from my life. I am also thinking about my over-run closet and my kitchen table and stacks of mail. My mind is moving from one scene to the next for things I need to do, should have already done, and at the same time, I am trying to focus on my task at hand.

I have just received my third interview. This is giving me hope. I do not think this project will take long. I just truly wish I would have paid closer attention to the requirements three weeks ago. I did not realize I needed to many outside sources to assist with this. I had read it and believed it was all for teaching and educational staff. That was my mistake for reading through it so quickly. 

Well, somehow, I managed to type out my semi completed paper in 6 hours. Actual type time was actually closer to 4 hours. 

I am still looking around at all the procrastination. All the things I keep because I am afraid to let go or move on. I need to start cutting ties with all the extra in my life. I need to be able to look at what I can pack simply and quickly. Eventually, I will move again, so what do I feel like packing and unpacking yet again. And I still have a storage building full of stuff. Why do I hold onto so much? Why can't I let go of the past? 

Rusty

Been a hot minute since I've written. It isn't that I am lacking in material. My imagination always gets the better of me; whether just my anxious spin on real life, my sleeping dreams, my waking fantasies, or just my life that reads like a lifetime movie - I have more than enough material to utilize and write. 

After my last post, my last panic episode, I went for into EMDR. Maybe there is some correlation between the therapy and my lack of words. I am attempting to bring it back; but did my words stem from the trauma? Can I only write when I am dealing with ghosts of my past that keep my screwed up in the head? Is my writing a way to release not just my imagination but also my demons? 

Seems I have a lot of possibilities to explore. 

Speaking of exploring, my life...what am I doing? I should be working on a paper which is due tomorrow, but I am caught up in everything other than school. I need to downsize, but I look around at all the clutter. This isn't who I want to be. Even if I don't downsize, I want to happily invite people into my home, not stress about what they may see if they come visit. 

There is a few new potential friendships in development. I am not sure if it will amount to anything. I do not feel I have a lot to offer anyone. I also feel I need to walk away from old toxic relationships. I have been left so many times, I find it hard to cut those ties. I have so few people in my life, even if it is toxic, I am not sure I can afford to lose anyone from my life. 

Broken and lost

Do you ever just feel like your insides are being ripped apart? Have that empty hollow feeling? Ever afraid to cry because once it starts it might not stop? Feel that elephant on the chest which makes it hard to breathe? Mind won't quit racing and replaying everything over and over? Feel like your body is a jigsaw puzzle and wonder if it's worth even trying to put the pieces back together? Question if its worth trying again? Wonder if maybe the situation is just too toxic and failed to be recognized as such?

I see you. Do you see me?

Once you were rarely active on social media, now it's like you're on constantly. Is there someone new with whom you are spending time? Are you trying to fill a void? Are you wanting to reach out like I want, but don't know how? Do you even care?

I never claimed to be perfect. I have my faults, and I own them quite well. I accept my responsibilities. I am not always right and can admit when I am wrong. Can you do the same? Was it honest of you to call me a liar? Was it a fair assessment for you to tell me I am nuts, or crazy? Why is everyone who sees the world different from you considered crazy or psycho? You said the same of your ex.

I miss my friend, but I am trying to really dig deep to my soul and discover, were you really my friend? If you were, how can it be so easy for you to turn your back on me? How can it be so easy for you to cut me out of your life like I was nothing more than the employee at Subway who makes your sandwich? Did I not mean any more to you than the way you are treating me? I really feel I did not mean more to you. If I am being honest, if I meant so little, then our relationship was completely toxic, and I should not mourn it's lost or put forth effort to repair it.

I am lost. I admit. I am lost. I do not know what to do next. I live my life in flight or fight, on the constant. Yet you get upset when that side is triggered around you. While I may be able to help who I am and correct these actions, it won't happen overnight. I am trying; are you?

If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I did so much for you. I have tried so much to be a part of your life, to show loyalty, yet you continue to turned your back on me. I need people to prove they will stand by me, even when I am wrong, even when I am not right, especially when I am breaking or weak. Where are you while this is happening? You are gone; you removed yourself from my life. Do you even have any regrets? Do I ever cross your thoughts? Is there anything you would do differently?

I am writing this to help remove some of the toxic from my internal monologue. I doubt you will ever see what is written or how I feel. Yet, if you did, would it make a difference? Do I want it to make a difference?

So many unanswered questions. So many wasted moments and so much hurt. I am tired of the pain. I wish I could quit feeling. I have so few people I let close to me. I trusted you. I don't understand why you turned your back on me. I don't understand your actions or your words. I am lost. I am hurting. I am alone. Where are you?

abandon

"There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason" 

so many songs and each one seems to relate to my life in this moment. 

I had a best friend. Today, I don't think I do. that brings tears to my eyes. 

A simple misunderstanding. A unfortunate change of events.and the blow up after. 

I have been abandoned by so many. It's easier each time and yet hurts so bad each time. 

each time someone I let get close makes the choice to walk away, it rips the old scars back open. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I didn't. I was being honest with a friend without attack. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I have never asked to be abandoned. 

don't tell me I asked for this. Am I not allowed to have an opinion, a feeling, a thoughts. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I did not. I am also not a victim. but apparently, I think more of you than you of me. 

don't tell me this is all on me...it is not... there are two of us....I did not ask for this. I asked for trust and conversation

"I can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame
You say my name
But it's not the same
You look in my eyes
I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders
And you bring my heart to its knees

And I wanna leave and I wanna stay
And I'm so confused, so hard to choose
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right
Even if I try to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away"

You hurt me in ways I've let very very few people have the ability to hurt me any more. I've been left enough, I don't develop that trust or relationship any longer. It saves me from feeling. You wanted me to feel. You told me it would make me better. I trusted and leaned on you. Then when I feel, you tell me it's wrong, I am wrong. I let you in and I trusted you. I let you in and built this relationship. Instead of holding my hand, giving me a shoulder, listening to the fears or the worry, the stress, and heartache, you tell me I am wrong and you walk away, you shut me out. you leave me alone like everyone else before. YOU told me I push them away, but I really don't. They leave and now so have you and it hurts. 

Have you really left. Are you really done. Is the foundation we built with each other not stone but sand washed away by simple words and tears. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I am hollow inside while also feeling like there is an elephant on my chest. I work better with knowns than unknowns. I need to know; but maybe I never will. are you gone. Am I alone again. 

my dreams, never quite as it seems

It's been a while since I've sat at the keyboard and just taken the time to write - write anything.
The last 4 years have been a roller-coaster, but this is my life. I think the entirety of my life has been one huge long lasting roller-coaster.
I have recently dubbed myself the Unlovable Girl - its a superpower to be this unloved and overlooked; I swear it is. The sadder part, I try, I really really try with people. I try to be helpful, kind, caring, sensitive and yet it's either completely ignored, blown off, or seen as insincere.
This all just seems like whining. This is my free write to just get back in the habit. I feel like I should write a story. My muse has been making the rounds again but I am not sure where to start.

I had this random dream the other night. I was in a boat on the lake. The sun was shining, the water was smooth as lake water is. There were beautiful big puffy clouds in the sky. For whatever reason, we were the only two people on the boat. The rest of our families had decided to stay on shore at the house while we took the boat for a ride. He was attempting to talk me into jumping into the water. I was watching the water and seriously contemplating the jump from the boat. I reached my toes into the water to feel the temp and something in my gut told me to get back as far as possible. He had come up behind me and was about to push me in when I turned on my heel and grabbed him close to me so he couldn't push me. He felt the shiver down my back and pulled back looking in my eyes to ask "What's wrong?" I tried to steady my voice as I looked up at him "I don't know, but something isn't right. We really need to get back to the house. I don't think we are safe out here on the boat."
It was just at this moment, its face broke the water. I screamed and pulled my face into his chest. He turned just in time to see the jaws open wide. Before we both could comprehend what was happening, the alligator was on the boat, mouth open, lunging toward us.
He pushed me toward the front of the boat and the controls. What should have been a fun, relaxing day spent in the sun and quickly turned dark and frightening.

Dream effect

As I sat in my cubicle, I worked hard to block out the noise around me. Everyone was extremely talkative and I was attempting to focus on the numbers in front of me. My temper was rising and the frustration was starting to spill over like a volcano waiting to blow. I had so much to do and hours were being cut from my day, "mandatory department meeting/outing," .... really?! Did they not understand exactly how far behind I was and that there was no help!
I was working through the current reconciliation having issues finding the difference between the support which had been provided and the general ledger number. I had a tap on the shoulder. I turned around ready to say something snippy and unkind when Lauren handed me a stack of papers. As I looked closely at the stack in my hands, I saw it was stack of reconciliations. As I thumbed through them quickly, I realized there had to be 40 to 50 recons in my hands, I almost wanted to cry. With as much as I had already completed I felt sure some of these were duplicates but even if half were not, that was a nice dent in the work I needed to complete. I smiled back at Lauren as I watched that sweet sheepish grin spread across her face. I mouthed a large thank you, to which she nodded and turned to head back to her desk.
At this time the boss walked through the area. He spoke with those who he always makes the time to say hello asking who was ready. I had already turned my back and was attempting to tune out the conversation. I was the invisible girl, so maybe if I just kept my head down and kept working, they would all leave and I would I have the floor to myself to work in peace and quiet.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I went for the knee jerk reaction to turn and throw a fist, CJ's face entered my line of vision. He leaned across my desk and placing his check on the opposite side of my face from where he stood, staring at me as he moved closer to whisper in my ear, he asked "Are you leaving me?" My breath caught and I was unsure what he meant. He pulled back to look me in the eye again. We did not speak to each other much and we rarely spent time closer than arms length, so the physical interaction caught me completely off guard yet quickly aroused something in me. In my mind I wondered if I was really so out of control with my hormones that this would intrigue me, cause my breath to catch and my skin to flush. Was I really so desperate for attention and affection?
As he continued to stare at me, I leaned in to speak quietly in his ear, as I did, not only was I aware of the look in his eyes as they were locked on mine but also the proximity of his body to mine; with one hand on my right shoulder, his other hand holding a soft yet firm grip on my left forearm, his body while mostly on the right side of my body, was also almost full on to mine with the way he had almost lain across my desk. I felt my lips brush his cheek before I spoke "I would rather discuss this elsewhere during another time."  Hyper aware of him and only marginally aware of those around us, I hoped sincerely they were all still caught up in their conversations from early and not watching this exchange. As I pulled back, I could almost feel his lips as he pulled his face closer to mine, staring into my eyes again, then placing his forehead on mine "Can I not make you happy?" he asked. At this, he ran his hand up my left arm and back down, grabbing my hand briefly, then letting it trail across my stomach as he stood up and moved away from me.
He called the others to order. The way in which he had to repeat himself made me believe no one else had witnessed the scene, and made me wonder if I had completely imagined the whole thing. As he spoke he explained he would like to take as few cars as possible and divided our group into 2. He called out who the travel buddies would be and placed himself with me and listed the other 3 people in our vehicle. He then stepped back and told me he would like to see me downstairs quickly before we had to load into the cars, so I needed to be quick.
I found him downstairs rather quick. He pulled me over by the coffee counter, but closed the gap in between us in a very intimate way. Again he asked if I had intentions to leave him. "I have a potential offer somewhere else, but nothing is final yet and it is an offer I really cannot afford to turn down."
His hand reached out and caressed my check, he pulled me closer with his other free hand and placed his forehead on mine once again. "I don't want to lose you" he stated. I merely stared into his eyes, feeling the intensity of look and proximity of our bodies to one another; I could feel the flush in my face and the butterflies in my stomach. I had never thought of him in this manner, ever, but when presented with the possibility, it was arousing. "I dropped more than subtle hints," I explained. "I told you I needed help, I told you I didn't want to continue on this path, I told you I needed more." He looked at me. "Yes, having Lauren complete those recons was a huge help, but it is too little too late."
A deep sigh escaped his throat. "How do I keep you?" "I am not sure you can."
At this point he dropped his chin, his hand found its way into my hair as he pulled me even closer with the arm he held around my back; his lip found mine and it took my breath away.
As he ended it put some space between us again, I just looked at him dumbfounded. I was trying to regain my composure. I quickly blurted, "What about Lily?" "You were right about her." At this time, I had to put more space. My head was spinning. I wasn't going to stay; even more now. There was nothing left for me in the department work wise. I couldn't just keep going through the motions with no heart in my work. I had never had any romantic notions or even thoughts of CJ prior to this encounter and I wasn't going to let my human nature keep me chained to a desk where I didn't belong.
"I warned you about her," I somewhat mumbled. "I know," he whispered. "I am sorry that I was right," I stated. I was sorry too. I didn't want him to be hurt. When he stated previously he wasn't sure about marriage, I told him if he wasn't, don't do it just because she wanted. He fell prey and went along with it anyway. I had hoped I would be wrong.
At this time, we heard the footsteps of others and he moved to grab a cup and begin filling it with coffee. I moved to grab a water. As we moved to our cars, he opted for the passenger seat and placed me in the drives seat, stating he would feed me the directions as he still did not want to let out the surprise until we arrived at our destination.
I don't remember much of the ride or even much of the arrival. I was still chewing over in my mind the events which had unfolded so quickly. I was still in shock and dumbfounded.

tbc...maybe

Hope - less

"What are you doing?"
Every time I hear you ask that question, it sends a thrill through me. Yet, I always answer some plain boring response with a very literal context. Later, as I play every conversation over in my mind, I always think of the witty or more honest, yet deeper truth - come backs such as "thinking about you."
I've quit telling you how often I think about you as I feel it just gets old and loses its meaning, but yet my mind constantly brings thoughts of you to the forefront of my mind on a continual basis. I think of past interactions or conversations. I think of possibly future encounters or deep discussions. I think of what you are currently doing or thinking. Things happen, and I refrain from messaging with my mundane situations, yet you are the first to come to my mind. This honesty, this needs to be snuffed out, it needs to be removed from my mind. Yet, I fear the only way to do would be to suffer a severe brain trauma. The flip side, while I know how often I think of you, I do not think I cross your mind for even a fraction of that time. It would not be quite so bad if the issue were reciprocated, but I feel rather certain that I am a mere pastime rather than a genuine affliction. Affliction may not be the best term to describe, but the best I could think for something such as I feel; to constantly be only half engaged the life around me as the other half of me is focused on you. Even more of an affliction since as I stated, I fear you do not think of me or consider me more than a few fleeting moments each day.
*sigh*
What shall I do? How to I move beyond you? How to I correct this thought process and behavior? How do I let go? Do I really want to move beyond and let go? The deepest question of all, why can I not find love in healthy places? Why do I give my affections and time to those who rarely return the feelings or sentiments? Why do I continue to give love where there is no love to be given in return?

I am the hopeless romantic. I am both without hope yet constantly hopeful that one day.......one day, love will find me.