Do you ever just feel like your insides are being ripped apart? Have that empty hollow feeling? Ever afraid to cry because once it starts it might not stop? Feel that elephant on the chest which makes it hard to breathe? Mind won't quit racing and replaying everything over and over? Feel like your body is a jigsaw puzzle and wonder if it's worth even trying to put the pieces back together? Question if its worth trying again? Wonder if maybe the situation is just too toxic and failed to be recognized as such?
I see you. Do you see me?
Once you were rarely active on social media, now it's like you're on constantly. Is there someone new with whom you are spending time? Are you trying to fill a void? Are you wanting to reach out like I want, but don't know how? Do you even care?
I never claimed to be perfect. I have my faults, and I own them quite well. I accept my responsibilities. I am not always right and can admit when I am wrong. Can you do the same? Was it honest of you to call me a liar? Was it a fair assessment for you to tell me I am nuts, or crazy? Why is everyone who sees the world different from you considered crazy or psycho? You said the same of your ex.
I miss my friend, but I am trying to really dig deep to my soul and discover, were you really my friend? If you were, how can it be so easy for you to turn your back on me? How can it be so easy for you to cut me out of your life like I was nothing more than the employee at Subway who makes your sandwich? Did I not mean any more to you than the way you are treating me? I really feel I did not mean more to you. If I am being honest, if I meant so little, then our relationship was completely toxic, and I should not mourn it's lost or put forth effort to repair it.
I am lost. I admit. I am lost. I do not know what to do next. I live my life in flight or fight, on the constant. Yet you get upset when that side is triggered around you. While I may be able to help who I am and correct these actions, it won't happen overnight. I am trying; are you?
If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I did so much for you. I have tried so much to be a part of your life, to show loyalty, yet you continue to turned your back on me. I need people to prove they will stand by me, even when I am wrong, even when I am not right, especially when I am breaking or weak. Where are you while this is happening? You are gone; you removed yourself from my life. Do you even have any regrets? Do I ever cross your thoughts? Is there anything you would do differently?
I am writing this to help remove some of the toxic from my internal monologue. I doubt you will ever see what is written or how I feel. Yet, if you did, would it make a difference? Do I want it to make a difference?
So many unanswered questions. So many wasted moments and so much hurt. I am tired of the pain. I wish I could quit feeling. I have so few people I let close to me. I trusted you. I don't understand why you turned your back on me. I don't understand your actions or your words. I am lost. I am hurting. I am alone. Where are you?
