As I sat in my cubicle, I worked hard to block out the noise around me. Everyone was extremely talkative and I was attempting to focus on the numbers in front of me. My temper was rising and the frustration was starting to spill over like a volcano waiting to blow. I had so much to do and hours were being cut from my day, "mandatory department meeting/outing," .... really?! Did they not understand exactly how far behind I was and that there was no help!
I was working through the current reconciliation having issues finding the difference between the support which had been provided and the general ledger number. I had a tap on the shoulder. I turned around ready to say something snippy and unkind when Lauren handed me a stack of papers. As I looked closely at the stack in my hands, I saw it was stack of reconciliations. As I thumbed through them quickly, I realized there had to be 40 to 50 recons in my hands, I almost wanted to cry. With as much as I had already completed I felt sure some of these were duplicates but even if half were not, that was a nice dent in the work I needed to complete. I smiled back at Lauren as I watched that sweet sheepish grin spread across her face. I mouthed a large thank you, to which she nodded and turned to head back to her desk.
At this time the boss walked through the area. He spoke with those who he always makes the time to say hello asking who was ready. I had already turned my back and was attempting to tune out the conversation. I was the invisible girl, so maybe if I just kept my head down and kept working, they would all leave and I would I have the floor to myself to work in peace and quiet.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I went for the knee jerk reaction to turn and throw a fist, CJ's face entered my line of vision. He leaned across my desk and placing his check on the opposite side of my face from where he stood, staring at me as he moved closer to whisper in my ear, he asked "Are you leaving me?" My breath caught and I was unsure what he meant. He pulled back to look me in the eye again. We did not speak to each other much and we rarely spent time closer than arms length, so the physical interaction caught me completely off guard yet quickly aroused something in me. In my mind I wondered if I was really so out of control with my hormones that this would intrigue me, cause my breath to catch and my skin to flush. Was I really so desperate for attention and affection?
As he continued to stare at me, I leaned in to speak quietly in his ear, as I did, not only was I aware of the look in his eyes as they were locked on mine but also the proximity of his body to mine; with one hand on my right shoulder, his other hand holding a soft yet firm grip on my left forearm, his body while mostly on the right side of my body, was also almost full on to mine with the way he had almost lain across my desk. I felt my lips brush his cheek before I spoke "I would rather discuss this elsewhere during another time." Hyper aware of him and only marginally aware of those around us, I hoped sincerely they were all still caught up in their conversations from early and not watching this exchange. As I pulled back, I could almost feel his lips as he pulled his face closer to mine, staring into my eyes again, then placing his forehead on mine "Can I not make you happy?" he asked. At this, he ran his hand up my left arm and back down, grabbing my hand briefly, then letting it trail across my stomach as he stood up and moved away from me.
He called the others to order. The way in which he had to repeat himself made me believe no one else had witnessed the scene, and made me wonder if I had completely imagined the whole thing. As he spoke he explained he would like to take as few cars as possible and divided our group into 2. He called out who the travel buddies would be and placed himself with me and listed the other 3 people in our vehicle. He then stepped back and told me he would like to see me downstairs quickly before we had to load into the cars, so I needed to be quick.
I found him downstairs rather quick. He pulled me over by the coffee counter, but closed the gap in between us in a very intimate way. Again he asked if I had intentions to leave him. "I have a potential offer somewhere else, but nothing is final yet and it is an offer I really cannot afford to turn down."
His hand reached out and caressed my check, he pulled me closer with his other free hand and placed his forehead on mine once again. "I don't want to lose you" he stated. I merely stared into his eyes, feeling the intensity of look and proximity of our bodies to one another; I could feel the flush in my face and the butterflies in my stomach. I had never thought of him in this manner, ever, but when presented with the possibility, it was arousing. "I dropped more than subtle hints," I explained. "I told you I needed help, I told you I didn't want to continue on this path, I told you I needed more." He looked at me. "Yes, having Lauren complete those recons was a huge help, but it is too little too late."
A deep sigh escaped his throat. "How do I keep you?" "I am not sure you can."
At this point he dropped his chin, his hand found its way into my hair as he pulled me even closer with the arm he held around my back; his lip found mine and it took my breath away.
As he ended it put some space between us again, I just looked at him dumbfounded. I was trying to regain my composure. I quickly blurted, "What about Lily?" "You were right about her." At this time, I had to put more space. My head was spinning. I wasn't going to stay; even more now. There was nothing left for me in the department work wise. I couldn't just keep going through the motions with no heart in my work. I had never had any romantic notions or even thoughts of CJ prior to this encounter and I wasn't going to let my human nature keep me chained to a desk where I didn't belong.
"I warned you about her," I somewhat mumbled. "I know," he whispered. "I am sorry that I was right," I stated. I was sorry too. I didn't want him to be hurt. When he stated previously he wasn't sure about marriage, I told him if he wasn't, don't do it just because she wanted. He fell prey and went along with it anyway. I had hoped I would be wrong.
At this time, we heard the footsteps of others and he moved to grab a cup and begin filling it with coffee. I moved to grab a water. As we moved to our cars, he opted for the passenger seat and placed me in the drives seat, stating he would feed me the directions as he still did not want to let out the surprise until we arrived at our destination.
I don't remember much of the ride or even much of the arrival. I was still chewing over in my mind the events which had unfolded so quickly. I was still in shock and dumbfounded.
tbc...maybe
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