abandon

"There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason" 

so many songs and each one seems to relate to my life in this moment. 

I had a best friend. Today, I don't think I do. that brings tears to my eyes. 

A simple misunderstanding. A unfortunate change of events.and the blow up after. 

I have been abandoned by so many. It's easier each time and yet hurts so bad each time. 

each time someone I let get close makes the choice to walk away, it rips the old scars back open. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I didn't. I was being honest with a friend without attack. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I have never asked to be abandoned. 

don't tell me I asked for this. Am I not allowed to have an opinion, a feeling, a thoughts. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I did not. I am also not a victim. but apparently, I think more of you than you of me. 

don't tell me this is all on me...it is not... there are two of us....I did not ask for this. I asked for trust and conversation

"I can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame
You say my name
But it's not the same
You look in my eyes
I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders
And you bring my heart to its knees

And I wanna leave and I wanna stay
And I'm so confused, so hard to choose
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right
Even if I try to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away"

You hurt me in ways I've let very very few people have the ability to hurt me any more. I've been left enough, I don't develop that trust or relationship any longer. It saves me from feeling. You wanted me to feel. You told me it would make me better. I trusted and leaned on you. Then when I feel, you tell me it's wrong, I am wrong. I let you in and I trusted you. I let you in and built this relationship. Instead of holding my hand, giving me a shoulder, listening to the fears or the worry, the stress, and heartache, you tell me I am wrong and you walk away, you shut me out. you leave me alone like everyone else before. YOU told me I push them away, but I really don't. They leave and now so have you and it hurts. 

Have you really left. Are you really done. Is the foundation we built with each other not stone but sand washed away by simple words and tears. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I am hollow inside while also feeling like there is an elephant on my chest. I work better with knowns than unknowns. I need to know; but maybe I never will. are you gone. Am I alone again.