Behind Closed Eyes

I miss you. Three little words that speak such large volumes. I will say it again. I miss you. I think about you more than I want to admit. Little instances throughout the day bring back memories of you, your face, your smile,  your eyes; the list continues. I miss your humor. I miss your hugs. I miss the way you drive me nuts both good and bad. I miss the way you make me smile. I miss how you encourage me. I miss how you can make me feel beautiful. I miss how you can make me feel like I am not invisible.
Yet, you are gone. You left. You don't look back. I am still here, without you. When I take the time to think about this, it hurts. I often try to avoid the facts and remember only the good. I remember happy days. I remember the warmth of your arms. I wonder if my missing you and remembering is why I see  you everywhere, or if my seeing you everywhere is why I remember and miss you so much.

I lay down at night, rest my head on my pillow, and close my eyes. My day has been exhausting. I am both mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I do not toss and turn and beg for sleep to find me; rather, I am asleep in a matter of seconds. I drift off to what I would otherwise think would be a deep, restful sleep; heavy and dreamless. I am wrong. Somewhere in my cycle of rem, my thoughts still center around you. You are there in my dreams.
Every dream is a little different. There are differences in the clothing we wear. There are differences in the locations. There are differences in the people around us. There are differences in the weather. The constants in my dreams center around you and me, our needs, and our feelings.
Often she is with you as he is with me in my dreams. Somehow, we are two halves of three wholes. You and her are one whole, he and I another whole, yet the true whole is you and I. Somehow in these magically places behind my closed eyes, although we are with them knowing better, we sneak off. You can't keep your hands off me. Your arms will find their way around my waist. Your hand will soon find itself enclosed over mine. You love to have me straddling your lap. The best part of these dreams is the feel of your lips on my lips, the taste of your kiss, and the feel of your lips on my neck. At one time, you loved the way I smelled and in my dreams, you still take the time to run your nose across my skin to smell the sweetness of it.
My dreams are centered around the connection that somehow existed between us. There is always passion and desire, yet boundaries are never really crossed. These dreams are better than the reality I currently live. I would love to stay in that alternate universe for eternity. I often wonder when I wake and reflect on these bittersweet dreams if you too ever dream of me the same way. I like to pretend that somehow we each experience the same dream in a way allowing us to interact through these dreams. I know this is not likely.
I am not allowed to stay in the land that I have created behind my closed eyes. I am forced to awaken day after day to a reality much colder than the warmth of your arms in my dreams. I live a reality of half truths, cold relationships, and a constant ache for a reality I am certain that I will never know. I awaken to missing you even more after my night time dreamland rendevous with you. I awaken to thinking of you more than I normally do. I miss you, I miss the me that I am when you are around to brighten me. At the same time, I despise myself to missing and thinking of you so often.
I wish you well wherever you may be at this moment. I wish you the happiness and warmth I am missing in my life. I wish you all the best life has to offer.
At sometime our paths will cross more meaningfully; sometime all that was needed will be said, all that is wanted will be put in the open, and all those wants will be soothed. Sometime, somewhere, some way, there will be a reason for you walking into my life to make it brighter only to walk out and leave it not only darker, but me more aware of that darkness. Eventually, there will either be a true beginning or a true end and the closure that comes with either of those. One day.....until then, I have my life behind closed eyes.

Is there a reason?

Too often as we live our lives day by day, they cross the day to day life of another. Sometimes our daily lives run side by side, or sometimes we share only a short period of time; a quick glance, a short hello, an hour of conversation. Like a breath in a day, our lives cross for only a very brief moment. We then go our separate ways, each living our own life once more. Sometimes these quick breath moments with an individual might happen again sporadically over another short span of time. So short it could be likened unto a quick shower in the course of a full life. What is five minutes when looked at against the span of 85 years? 
Others whose lives run parallel with ours may do so for a much longer period of time, such as summer, or maybe a school year. In the full life of an individual who has lived past the age of a midlife crisis, this time is much longer, but still so very short and bittersweet. Often it is unknown why the persons life left the course we ourselves were traveled. Others it seems follow us through out our lives, maybe not always beside us. Our lives cross and run parallel. Then our lives wander in different directions. Later, our paths meet again and yet again they will travel together for some time before wandering off into different unknowns. So on and so forth, our lives and the lives of these individuals continue.
Until our lives reach their end and we reflect back or we hear of the end of the life of such a person, we cannot be for certain which way the paths might flow. For as we are still alive and so are they, there is always chance that our lives will yet again cross, for however short or long a period of time it is deemed necessary for us, one party or the other or maybe even both, to learn what needs to be taught.
The question yet remains, is there a reason, a rhyme to what seems to be all this random chaos or is it just that, a simple act of randomness?
I ask this as I have recently been faced with some hard news, some hard choices, and some hard lessons learned. I had the honor of meeting a great person with a huge heart, a kind smile, and very blunt unconventional compliments. He was very large in stature but came off to me as nothing more than an over grown teddy bear. We spent about an hour and half sharing conversation, toasting drinks, exchanging names and phone numbers and laughing about life. It was a very enjoyable time. We kept in touch randomly for several months. Very recent, I learned he took his life. This saddens me as I felt he so much more to offer the world than he apparently felt he did. The world would be a better place if more people were willing to be as honest and yet as kind as this young man. The world would shine more if people would smile as infectiously as he did. Aside from these few small lessons that I will keep close to my heart so I know that there was a reason for his life and why it impacted mine, I can't help but wonder was there another reason. Why was I meant to meet this sweet guy? I met him. I cared enough to keep in contact, however randomly it may have been. Now, he is gone. I could not have told you his middle name, or even the name of his best friend in school. I could not tell you his favorite color or what he was drinking that night. There is so much that I did not know. I wonder, could I have made a difference? If I had reached out, if I had spent more time trying to get to know him, is there anyway this tragedy could have been avoided?
There have been many cases where I just don't know what to do, where to turn, and how to proceed forward. Am I making right choices? Am I going the direction I need to follow? Am I currently in the correct place? Am I making an effort to make the lives of those around me as pleasant as possible? Do I need to change me?
What is the reason in meeting someone for such a short while to hear their life has ended so tragic? What is the reason in finding people who were once so close to you only to find out they only wish to hurt you?
Is life nothing more than a beautiful piece of chaotic artwork much like a Jackson Pollock, carelessly thown together to make the best of it and turn out beautiful? Or is life like a beautiful picture cut into a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fit together for a reason?

*Dedicated to Jessie Alvin Lewis 11.16.91 - 6.27.13

A touch

She lay on the bed on her right side, curled up in a fetal position. The pain in her head was beyond compare.  It was making her sick at her stomach. The pain in her leg was almost as intense. She had hoped that one would help her forget the other but there was no such luck, yet.
As she lay there, she imagined him curled up behind her. He had her head resting on his right bicep while he stroked her hair with his left hand. He had his right check next to her head so his lips rested at her left ear.
She spoke, almost in a whine, at the tone of a whisper, "it hurts." 
"I know babe, I know," he said in a tone slightly above a whisper as he continued to stroke her hair. He curled in tighter to her body. The feel of him behind her was a comfort. She had been begging for release from the pain, and somehow the imaginary feel of him holding her was helping to alleviate it.
She felt the feel his hand leave her hair and run down her arm. "What can I do to help?"
"You're doing it.....believe it or not....just being here."
"Well, that is good to hear."
She could hear the sincerity in his voice along with the smile on his face. His body was warm and comforting, which was huge help as the pain made her feel as though she were freezing. Her body shook with the chills and her teeth began to chatter slightly. She felt his arms wrap around her and bring warmth back into her body.
"Just don't leave me. Hold me"
The longer she imagined him there holding her, the more her body relaxed. The relaxation helped to ease the pain. This process of mediation was both helpful and harmful. She wanted what wasn't real. She saw him all the time, held private conversations in her mind. When she slept, his face haunted her dreams. When she woke, he was the first thing that came to her mind.
She began to become dependent upon hearing his voice. She would often replay conversations they had on a continuous loop in her mind knowing it helped to bring a smile to her face. There was something in the way he could so easily compliment her, or see a silver lining in every negative she saw that she came to need his company like a drug. His sunny side helped her cope through the bad.
She felt his lips on her hair. She inhaled deeply then exhaled. The feel of him, his arms in the way they held her, the way his body felt, the feel of his hug, his caresses, and even the way he stroked her hair were so common to her now, she could image the whole scenario this way, just as if it were real. Although part of her longed for it to be real, a larger part was glad it was not. She wasn't sure she was ready for the demands of a real relationship. Right now she could live in the half truths of what they had, no real commitment and yet still receiving some positive from their interactions.
In her thoughts, his hand moved back to run his fingers through her hair before stroking it once again. "I hate seeing you in pain."
"This too shall pass." It was the only witty thing she could muster at the moment. She wanted to stay where she was forever, lost in the ideals and fantasy of his touch. Hearing all the right words, yet not having to commit to a reality. Nights like this made her not want to leave her bed, let alone the house. She wanted to remain in her thoughts, thoughts that currently centered around him.
"It will, I know it will. I just don't like seeing you like this. I enjoy seeing you vulnerable. I do not like seeing you unwell. There is a difference.You know that."
She slightly shook her head. She had never known that there was a difference. She had not been raised to allow herself the luxury of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable to her meant being weak, and she did not have time in her life to be weak. There was too much to deal with; to much to do, there just wasn't any time at all for such crazy notions. There also wasn't time to be sick, she knew, but that didn't stop her from being in bed for hours that night, wishing away the pain, meditating, concentrating on the unreality of his holding her and being there.
She knew with all her heart that everything that happens, does so for a particular reason. All too often, that reason might not manifest itself to at the moment when it happens. People, especially those like him, were meant to come into her life. He walked into her life, or she into his, at that particular moment, that their paths crossed because the timing was right for it to happen. She needed him, and for some reason she did not know right now, he needed her just as much. They were only living in moments together. Stolen moments that were too far between. The voids between these moments left her hollow and wanting. The times together were there because for whatever reason, their lives needed each other. One day they would understand it all.
She knew soon they would walk away and that would be the end. She wanted nothing more than to keep him where they were right now in her thoughts with him behind her, holding her, talking to her. She knew he would leave her. Everyone left her. Everyone needed to move onto their next big step, and for some reason it was always away from her. She had already made peace with the fact he wasn't their now, and would soon not be there at all. That was the solace she found in the thought of him being there now, in the room holding her, talking to her, stroking her hair. She knew deep down he would not be in the reality of her life for long. Her images of him there with her was her thoughts admitting he would no longer be sharing those small pieces of her life he currently shared with her. Their paths would move away from each other, and they would only become a memory to one another. This was both hard on her while also a welcome reality. This was the way it had been with all people in her life.
Right now, however, she was content in the hallucination of his being there. She needed to feel strong arms around her holding her as if she were fragile. Her pain and her weakened emotional state left her needing. The reality of always being alone was too harsh at this moment. In this moment, the idea that she was with someone who cared to see her happy and free of pain helped in her relaxation. If only that person really existed. She knew the physical person he was, but this image in her mind was what she wanted it to be not what would really be had this moment happened.

morbid.....maybe ~ Jan 6 2009

morbid.....maybe    Written: Jan 6 2009 @ 3:03 am

Current mood:contemplative

It seems whenever someone close to us dies, a loved one, a good friend, whoever they might have been to us, that we sit back and mourn the fact they are no longer a part of our lives. Although we are sad they aren't with us anymore, normally we go home with a new sense of life and living, of loving those still with us, normally.

Some other morbid freaks however wonder what will those loved ones have to say when we go. We wonder if we will be missed and if so, for how long. Will people be glad we are gone? Or will life continue as if we were never here? Who will fight over our prized possessions, or will those items we've clung so tight to over the years just end up in a pile at goodwill or the dump?

I am one of those morbid freaks. I often feel as though I could disappear tomorrow and have no one come look for me.  If I ran away, how long would it take before someone noticed? If I ran my car off in a ditch on the way home one night, how long would it take before someone realized I never came home? Am I really loved? Would I really be missed?

In another sense of disappearing, would I be that person that is worth standing up and fighting for, or would that person who said "I do" just walk away in the end? Am I good enough mother that my kids will stay with me when given the chance, or are they going to high tail it the moment the option comes open for them?

What is my place in the world? Would I be missed if I never showed up to work tomorrow? Would I be sought after if I packed my bag tonight and never looked back? Am I a person that people will remember for years to come, or am I that person they mourn for a few days and life returns to normal?

I want to be that person that is remembered. I want to be that person that is loved, by friends, by family, by my kids. I want to have people miss me when I am gone, I am just not sure if they will.

comment...

 

Robert Sullivan Ill give you one thing! "You are a very good writer"!!! And of course you would be missed! By many people i would imagine. For the short period i have know ya i like you! ALOT!!! You are fun, loving, intellegent, beautiful and im sure i can think of a many other things possitive to say about you! But i will tell you this, if you feel like you are not loved, its because your loved ones dont tell you enough, if at all! It is definately NOT YOU!!! Continue on with your great attitude, and good things will happen in your life. I PROMISE!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster - Written Jan 26 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster    Written: Jan 26 2009 @ 7:26pm

Current mood:scared

You can only be a home wrecking whore if you save lives. So this has become the motto lately. For those who know me well, this is a severely inside joke. :)

Why is when we are at our worst is when we get hit with the most drama? When is closure worth the hurt and pain? Why do the questions never stop? And why does the hurt not go away? When will life's choices and tests make sense? What lessons are we learning?

My lessons seem to be waiting out there on the horizon somewhere, just out of sight where I can't quite see what the point is for what I am going through. I've been put through a lot of tests and trials over the past few months and feel there is no end in sight. I begin to ask the question, "why?" When will it end? I know life is full of nothing but tests and trials, and apparently I am giving some other poor soul a rest with all I am going through. There are trials at home, at work, with friends and with loved ones.

I haven't talked to my mother or brother in over 2 years. Out of the blue right before Christmas, my brother decided to contact me. I bawled like a baby for hours afterward. It opened up old wounds that I had finally started to let heal. He wanted me to call our mom. I tried. I wanted it to work. There is nothing that hurts a child worse than being shunned by a parent that they have spent most of their life with, but unlike my brother who seems ready to forgive, forget and move on, my mother still refused to talk to me. That hurts. Trying to find closure is not always worth the pain you feel from it. However, in this case, I guess it is worth the pain I am still dealing with since I know that I have tried, I've given all I can, and it's still not enough.

In another instance, I had a very close friend of mine come back into my life, and because we started talking again, I had another friend step back into my life. A friend who once upon a time was always there for me and then one day, just disappeared, taking my heart and breaking it in two when he did. We have recently spoken, and the closure that came, even though I knew what had happened, helped me to heal, especially when I heard the words that I had speculated come from his mouth. It feels good to have him walk back in to my life, at the same time, I am leary.  I've missed my friend, the person whom I could tell anything to, whom I was always bluntly honest with, and who was honest with me, but at the same time, how would I handle it if he just disappears again. I don't think my heart can take that twice.

The pain has been bad lately. There has been too much drama and too many voices in my head at once, all screaming to get out. They were silenced for too long, and all of a sudden something awoke, and they won 't shut up. The pain is there with them, always in the background. Behind every one of my smiles, are 10 tears waiting patiently for their turn. I feel like I am not good enough to those whom mean the most to me, and yet to others, I seem to be their wildest desire. Why the drama? Why is when we just one to be the world to ONE person, can they not see us? Why do we feel invisible to the only person we want to see us? Why does it seem that those we don't want to notice us are the only ones who do?

No matter what I do lately, I am not good enough. I am trying to get myself right for the sake of making us work, but what matters to me only pisses him off. How can we work, when he doesn't like who I am? When do I get to quit crying myself to sleep at night? When does the pain go away? What can I do to help the pain; to start helping my own self esteem?

One day I was on the path, it was warm, there was light, and I felt at peace. Then, I was behind a brick wall, left in the dark, unable to see anything, feeling alone. I can hear voices on the other side, but no matter how hard I scream, no one can hear me. It is cold where I am. I can't even see my hand in front of my face, it's so dark. I walk and all I feel are sharp thorns tearing at my clothes and the brick wall. I feel empty, alone, lost, scared. Help me! I need help. I am lost and can't find my way. I am alone and need someone to save me. Can I save myself? I want out of this dark. I want to feel the light on my face again. I want to feel warmth. I need to feel love, and peace. I am so sick of the condemning pity I feel for myself.