I turned into the drive and noticed not a light was on inside the house. He had called me and asked me to come; so why did it look like no one was home?
The call had come as a shock to the system. Almost equal parts excitement and ice water dumped over ones head from behind. I had missed his voice and his company. He had dropped off the radar and I had grown frustrated with continuing to make myself a blip on his. I only wanted to be as important to him as he was to me. Meeting him tonight was probably a bad idea, but I wanted to see him face to face. I needed to know if the magic was still there or had he somehow lost his control over me. I also needed to know why I wasn't good enough; why had he left me. My heart still ached and the possibility of his words healing those still open wounds was enough to make me tempt fate and undo all the healing which I had completed.
Biting my lip nervously at the sight of the darkened house, I put my car into park and turned off the engine. I picked up my phone and sent a quick text. I then opened the door and exited the vehicle. It was nerve racking walking up the pitch black sidewalk. How many times had he hid in the bushes to jump out and scare me? Then, the lights had even been turned on yet the shadows always allowed for hiding spots. I waited for the jump and yet it never came.
As I reached the stoop, the door opened and he stepped out onto the front step. My breath caught a little, I had forgotten how attractive he was. He did not smile, but he didn't look upset. Although he was as attractive as ever to me, he looked older and worn down, the spark in his eye and the bounce in his step was missing. He almost looked lifeless. I instantly worried more, not as I had originally that this meeting would include words I didn't want to hear or would be a set-up; I worried for him.
He tried to fake a smile and said a quick hello. He didn't move to let me in the house; instead he moved to sit on the step. While on a typical night with the lights out, I could see a million stars from that stoop; tonight, the cloud cover blocked them all and made it even more eerie.
He started with, "hey." Then followed with a "What's new?"
I just stared for a moment weighing my options to decide my next move. I opted to share the stoop with him. I could almost feel the electricity from his body as a sat beside him. As aware as I always was of the connection, I had always wondered if he felt it too, or was it just me. My answer was there, in the nervousness, the electricity, & the attraction - the magic was still there, he still held me spellbound.
"Not sure. Why don't you tell me?"
He sighed heavily and looked up to the sky, for what reason, I couldn't tell, unless possibly saying a quick silent prayer for strength.
He then did the quick lean into me move, where he somewhat pushes me but not hard then quickly returns to his side of the invisible line between us; the line both of us fear crossing. The fact he always kept the line makes me believe he could feel the electricity but wished to deny so. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to be in between his legs similar to sitting in his lap with his arms around me. I had been falling apart for months and his presence made if feel like all the pieces of the puzzle that is me were finally fitting back together. I hated he had that effect on me.
I made the bold move and reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his, and giving his hand a squeeze. I did not care who saw us as the gesture was one of friendship but more so because it could be the last time we would be close enough for physical touch. I also wanted to reassure him I was there to provide comfort and strength and not judge. Deep down, once I quit lying to myself and the world, I knew I loved this man; I had unwillingly given him my heart years before now, followed by verbally and figuratively giving him my heart. He turned it all down and I was left knowing I would never be what he wanted; I would never be good enough. I played off the fact I had done anything and that he now possessed my heart. Who would want someone who turned them down to know they had such control and hold over them? Definitely not me.
I controlled my shock as he held my hand a little tighter rather than dropping it like a hot potato. He squeezed a little and leaned a little closer to me. I was working hard to still the beating of my heart, to keep him from hearing it or feeling it in my hand and wrist.
"I don't know where to start," he stated, barely above a whisper. "I just needed company. I didn't want to be alone."
I looked at him and his dark eyes bore into my soul. I couldn't help it. I had talked myself into holding my restraint, but it dissolved. I took the bold move, one of the boldest moves I could make. I crossed our imaginary line and reaching for the back of his head with my free hand, I pulled him to me and kissed him. I kissed him with anger, fury, love, kindness, hurt, frustration; I kissed him with every inch of my being and all the pent up emotions I had. This was likely to be the last time we would see each other and I wanted him to feel what I felt and understand. I also wanted to understand him. I thought I had all the surprises already in one night, but again my breath was taken from me when he kissed me back with just as much fury and desire. Was it just chemical hormones - a man gets kissed by the opposite sex and he can't help but respond, human nature and all? Or was it more, was it true emotion and a sincere attraction; sincere feelings which drove his response? The unknowing and his inability or rather his refusal to admit one way or the other helped drive the wedge between us from the beginning. All I needed was the verbal confirmation and he always made it sound more like I was a kid sister who needed to be looked over rather than an equal he genuinely loved the way I loved him. As the kiss broke, he again sighed heavily and placed his forehead on mine with his eyes closed, like he was trying to remember the moment forever. I could be wrong, he could have been trying to block if from his mind.
I sat there, afraid to move and break the magic. His forehead on mine, our hands intertwined, each others hand at the back of the others head, still sitting on the stoop. I etched the moment in my mind, sure it would be the last night.
