Choosing you or selfish me

 The road stretched out before the truck. I went to speak but my throat closed as I choked on the words and my eyes welled with tears. I looked over and his eyes remained firmly on the road ahead. I turned to stare out the window before he saw the shimmer in my eyes and to fight back the tears that hovered at rims of my eyes and threatened to stream down my face. I focused on my breathing and sights out the window rather than words in my head. 

"Well?" he questioned as his eyes remained fixed on the highway ahead. 

"Just need a minute," I replied in barely a whisper.  

How did I even start the conversation I was having in my head. I felt so lost and so confident at the same time. It was a complete conundrum. 

I felt he was in this with me, but was he really. I believed he loved me, but maybe I was fooling myself. I vowed I would choose him daily, but maybe in holding on, I was choosing me more than I was choosing him; maybe to choose him, I needed to go, let him go. As I thought of those words again, of choosing him and letting him go, my throat closed yet again, and tears threatened again to spill over my eyelids and down my face; it hurt to breathe and my insides felt split in two. Was I being selfish? 

I took another deep slow breath, and exhaled slowly as I regained some composure. 

My voice was shaky and cracked as I spoke, "I wrote a letter." 

"Yes." 

"You didn't respond or comment." 

"I believe I did. I told you it said a lot of what I had already said." 

"I poured myself into it. I bore parts of myself. I tried to open myself. Telling me it contained a lot of what you said is not really commenting on it. I still don't even know what that means." 

Silence as he drove and again my emotions were getting the better of me. I was trying to remember my vow to be open minded in conversation, especially the tough ones; and also my vow for honesty. I believed he loved me. I had seen it in his eyes. Maybe I was seeing what I wanted to see. He had never said it that I clearly remember....I think I dreamt one night he had, but had he really ever said it out loud? If I were being honest, if one of my friends had discussed a relationship like ours to me, I would support them but all the while worry I was wrong in doing so. On the other hand, why did it have to be conventional? Did conventional actually work for people? If we could find our own way, if this worked for us, why did it matter what we should be doing, in place of doing what worked? But, did this work? 

As he let the silence sit and I worked to regain control, I stared out the window. I willed myself to not cry, to not become overly emotional, to regain control of my thoughts and stay on topic. I was not trying to point fingers or make accusations. I was trying to gain information that would assist me with knowing how I should proceed.  

Again, a deep breath in and slowly exhaled, all while willing myself to regain control of my emotions, to quit thinking negative and focus on the positive. 

"I keep hearing you tell me we are either too much alike or too different," I started. 

"Agreed" was the answer in return. 

"I am lost how two people can be both. How we are so much alike it is negative and yet so different it is a negative. I am lost in these statements. I almost feel you are trying to talk yourself out of this.....relationship." I further explained. 

To this, his eyes remained on the road and space between us seemed immense. I only wished to be near him. I wanted to touch his hand, but he was too far away. I truly wanted to be beside him in the seat, but the truck did not allow for it. 

"If a friend told me they were in a relationship where their significant other told them they did not see a future where they would ever be together, I would want to support them, but I would think they were crazy. For us, things work as they are. I hurt when you state you do not see any future for us. I get the complications. I try to keep my requests within reason. My future is all hypothetical, and yet, I was told no. I think when I brought up how much it bothered me, you rephrased."

"I do not see things changing so there would not be a future. When you explained your pain, I explained that in the hypothetical situation you presented, nothing would change between us. Meaning I would not choose you but I also would not walk away. It would just be as it is with maybe a little less complication." 

"I am not trying to point fingers or beat things to death. I am merely trying to explain why I have questions. I am trying to not bury the questions and make assumptions. Yet, when I question directly, often, those questions still go unanswered. Maybe I am better to keep those thoughts to myself and make my own assumptions.
    Am I becoming a drain on your energy? Am I actually choosing you? Is this making you happy at all? Or am I only causing more stress? While I think I am choosing you, am I in reality actually just choosing myself, being selfish, forcing us down a path that makes me happy but leaves you wanting out? I believe you said it and I admitted, I need a lot. I need conversation and interaction. I am not sure you have the time nor the energy for me and what I need. So, I ask again, am I being selfish? Or are you up for the challenge? I will choose you every time, even if it means sacrificing myself. So I will hurt, but if I am not what you want or need, if this is more than you have time or energy to deal with, if you would rather just not anymore, I will choose you and respect those wishes, despite the hurt." 

At this, the tears were streaming down my face and I turned to stare out the window again. I was willing to live by our own rules and not those society feels you need to live by. However, only if we were both committed to the relationship. I was tired of being a burden on everyone, I wasn't going to be a burden to the one person who meant so much to me. I just needed to hear the confirmation that he was in, or that he was done. Either way, I would respect his wishes. I hoped it was he was in, but I much work as I can be, I would understand if he were done. 

I sat in silence, waiting for his response, and trying to not sob while the tears still slid silently down my cheeks. I love him. I only hope he does truly love me back and it is not a lie I have convinced myself to believe.