Tears shed

She sat on the bed the way small children sit on the floor. She had pulled her knees to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, with her forehead resting atop her knees and her hands in her hair at the side of her head. Her tears fell, feeling like a warm summer shower down her face and onto her legs. She had not yet started sobbing. She was attempting to phyiscally hold herself together to keep from breaking apart the way her heart was. The empty hollow feeling her broken heart left in her chest made it hard for her to breathe, let alone sob. All her thoughts surrounded him, their time together, and her heart which was now with him. How could she have been so careless? How could she have been such a fool to trust?

In the beginning it had been light, fun, and careless. She would almost say simple but it was anything but simple then. He started conversations and sought her company. In his mind, he was chasing her; never knowing it was secretly what she wanted. He was everything she had found attractive in her youth; tall, dark hair, dark eyes, full lips, lean, athletic body.  For some reason, he found her intriguing. Of course she realized looking back to the start, she was a mystery for him as she was too most. She kept her emotions closed off from others and spent little time smiling as there were little reason for her to smile then.She was honest and blunt in her words, so much so she had stepped on his feelings a time or two never meaning to do so. They would spend hours talking, late nights driving with no destination in mind.

She recalled the first awkward kiss, with  a center console between them. She remembered the taste of his minty gum he always had in his mouth. She could almost feel his hands in her hair in place of her own. The tears fell a little harder and her eyes began to swell from the constant crying as she recalled the way he would pull her from him just so he could stare into her eyes. He would tell her she was amazing, or beautiful. He would say those words no one had ever told her prior; the words she had hoped so long to hear from someone sincere. In those moments, she had believed he was completely sincere. Those were the early days, when it was light and happy, and overly complicated. She kept her walls firmly in place so she wouldn't fall too hard or too fast; only he pushed and begged her to let them down. He would claim he could not be close with someone who kept others at arms length; never taking the time to truly understand why she did so.

The joke was on her, he would never allow himself to get close to her, walls in tact or not. She felt the sobs begin to shake her body as she could no longer hold them back. She felt the headache that felt so much like a hangover from the constant tears and dehydration. She had not been able to eat more than a few bites for days. She was holding strong to the caffiene and nicotine diet. Those around her chastised her but she could care less; they would never understand how bad the pain of it all hurt. How she had given herself to someone so completely for the first time in a decade only to be made the fool.

She had learned for a short while to smile while with him. Her body, her heart, her mind, her soul; it all opened up, blossoming like a flower on a dew dripped sunny spring morning. He became a harbor in her storm. His presense calmed her. His voice, his touch, his gaze; they all made her feel at peace. His being calmed her mosters. She craved time with him the way addicts crave their next hit or their next drink. He was her drug.

Soon, he used his leverage to cause her to feel like she was less of a person. He would hold things over her head, tease her with things like a carrot dangled by a string before a hungry rabbit. She would jump and do all tricks, but he would never give the prize: his time. She wasn't worth it to him anymore. She became a mystery; a hunt - once he was done; she was cast aside like all the others who had come before her.

She now started rocking on the bed. She tried to calm the painful empty feeling in her heart as it had left her and now resided with him. Only, joke on her again, he didn't want it. He didn't want her. He had used it as he had wanted and was done.

She would slowly pick the pieces of herself back up from where she had fallen apart on the bed. Eventually she would be where she was before him, smile-less; stoic; closed off - she need only get past the pain and the tears which refused to stay in her eyes and continually trickled down her face. Once she put herself back together, she had only another lesson to learn from - she was better off alone. She had known this from prior experience. She had tried to not wind up like her mother, bitter and skeptical. She now faced the truth: jaded was who she was and it was now only worse than it had been before him.

She cried even harder knowing if he would change his stance and give her any of his time once again, she would run back to him. She was his. She needed to cut the ties with herself. She had given him all of her, but he had taken the best part. Now it was time for her to cut herself off from that good part, the happy version of herself who loved and gave selflessly. She would only be a mere shell of herself going forward, but with any luck, she would not feel anything anymore. The pain was just too much.

Heartbreak

She lay in bed, curled in a ball, her head on the pillow. The tears quietly slid down her checks and she tried hard to wipe them away without making noise. She stiffled her sobs into the pillow. Her heart was broken.
She had always known the danger of loving someone again meant her heart walked around outside of her body with them. She had built huge walls to keep it from happening again. She had believed him when he said he was different, when he begged her to let him in those walls. She had warned once she let the walls down, she was likely to fall fast and hard; and still he asked. She pushed herself to let him inside sooner than she would have ever done prior. He now owned her heart, her soul, and her mind. She had given every part of herself to him, and yet, he had no intention of returning the gesture. He kept his walls firmly in place, he kept her at arms length, and then when he was bored he left her alone. The more she remembered and thought of him, the heavier the tears flowed down her checks. She wanted nothing more than to have him hold her and yet she wanted nothing more than to never see him again.
She remembered when they first began talking how easy and yet awkward things had started. She could recall with such ease, the feel of his hands on her face, holding back her hair as he told her how beautiful she was; something no one else had ever told her; something she knew to be a lie, but such a beautiful lie from such beautiful lips. She should have realized then that if he could lie to her so easily he would never be truly honest or open with her. She recalled the intent stare of his gaze and the comforting feel of his hands on her skin. She remembered long conversations about everything and nothing. She recalled his constant discussion about "if we are to be together" he needed honesty and faithfulness.
She was fine in the beginning, having fun, getting to know someone. Then he decided to talk about a future and tell her how amazing and magical she was. She began to believe he really saw her in the way he claimed he did. All of sudden, it all went dark. The good morning text messages disappeared. The phone calls just to see how she was doing ended. He vanished unless she started to conversation.
She inhaled deeply trying to not start sobbing for fear if she did she would never stop. She had not been able to stop the tears that sprung to her eyes everytime she thought of him and the lies he had spun, the web she had been caught so cleverly in simply because he had been bored. She had been a simple distraction and game. Once she admitted she belonged to him in every sense of the word, he disappeared on her and left a huge gapping void in his absense.
While the void left her breathless and feeling like the world was crashing on her shoulders, the final words he spoke to her hurt worse than anything else he could have done or said to her. She would have preferred a slap to the face, or even a fist, to the the words he left in print - that she was the reason why she had been abandoned, the one thing he had promised he would not do to her. It was her FAULT her mother, her father, her friends, her past loves, and the numerous others had walked away from her. Even more, it was her fault because she cared too much, did too much, because in essense she was herself, it drove others away.
Now she lay in bed, with the tears streaming down her face, fighting to catch her breath. She lay there, half a person as he had taken her heart and her soul. Her mind was filled constantly with thoughts of him, general thoughts, memories of their time, wanting to speak to him and yet really feeling like if he cared, he should reach out to explain the painful, hurtful words he used to throw in her face. She almost felt she would be better off not sleeping as every night was riddled with dreams of him. Even her subconscious belonged to him.
Even with the pain, she wasn't ready to walk away, but she was also not willing to seek out further punishment from him. She had told him she was hurt and it made no difference to him, he only clamined by her expression of the pain he caused her was her using him as a punching bag. Another slap would have been better received.
She was so confused by his words and actions when he had made all these claims about her. Which was the lie? Was it all a lie? Had the beginning when he had seemed trustworthy and caring been the lie? Was the lie when he claimed he cared so deeply and needed her in his life? Was the lie about needing her only a way for him to start stepping away with the hope there would be less hurt? Was the lie he couldn't be just friends? Was the lie he ever gave cared at all?
She once trusted him so completely. She thought him good and wonderful. She thought him a next to the Greek Gods....a legend she was so blessed to know. Yet to know he could treat someone like her, who was so willing to do anything and everything for others, especially those she cared so deeply fo, with such contempt and callousness; to shut the door on their friendship and any other relationship they had so easily and blame it all on her; she felt everything about him had been a lie.
Now, she let loose the sobs. She could it back no longer. She had such faith in him, such trust. Her judge of character was usually not so far off the mark. People say things they don't always mean, but the things he said had cut so deeply and his unwillingness to put forth any effort to smooth the pain, to soften the blow or straight out apologize for being a coldhearted jackass; it really felt as if she had meant nothing when he had meant everything.
She had already decided she would build her walls back, stronger, thicker, taller than they were originally. The only drawback, he already had her heart. The worst part, he never wanted and didn't want it now, yet once she knew once she gave her heart willingly, she couldnot simply have it returned. As with past loves, it would take years; even then, she wasn't sure she could ever forget or move on with her live. She was his, for better or worse; apparently worse as he did not want her.

Too much is a bad thing

The saying too much of a good thing can be bad....is it true?
I've recently been informed I am at fault for all the negativity in my life. I am at fault for those I have cared so deeply having walking walked out of my life. It is my fault they left because I have cared too much.
Does this statement really bare any truth? Can a person really care too much? Can they give too much? Can being cared for or receiving too much from others really cause someone to want to walk away?
I have been left by my parents who turned their backs on a small child. I have been left by friends who said they would never leave. I've been abandoned by lovers who I gave my heart without walls. I have been left by my children.
Now, I am told each of these people who left me,who have caused me to doubt if anyone will stay, they each left because I cared too much, because I loved too deeply, because I gave too much - too much time, too much love, too much for them.
I once loved people the way I now hope to one day be loved-without reservation. Then time and time again, I was left. I became broken and skeptical.  I put walls around my heart and stayed in my own space. I became a sleepwalker in my own story. I did not feel and I did well in life. I was void of feeling....or rather I had learned to repress them all. I quickly learned to keep my head down and not create bonds with others; no bond meant no hurting when they walked out of my life.
In my bubble, I was my own worst enemy. I allowed the guilt of my past to walk through the door to my life again. Promises were made that were never meant to be kept and yet again, I was caring enough to believe.
Apparently, it was my fault for loving and caring.
Recently, I allowed someone to break down the walls from the outside rather than the inside as the last. For the first time I allowed someone who wasnt a part of my past into my head, into my past, into my inner most deeper feelings and the real stripped raw me. For a while, it was a give and take. Then I somehow crossed the line; I cared too much. I gave too much of me to someone who didnt really want it, who would never appreciate it.
I am then made to be the bad guy. It is my fault for caring too much, for giving too much, for being me. Why ask to be let into my walls, if you never wanted to be there?
So, again my question....can I really be the blame for everyone who walked out of my life simply because I cared too much, loved too deeply, or wanted to give and make people feel special.

Darkness

The dark had never felt so comforting and so lonely at the same time. At the end of the day when all was silent, she let down her guard and set aside her rought exterior as the tears rolled down her face. She would lie in bed remembering what it felt like to feel light and happy, to wear so easily a smile on her face. She has felt so niave in her innocent belief of the fairy tale. A fairy tale didn't mean no fighting or arguing, it didn't mean never being upset, but it did mean always being there for each other. The fairy tale meant effort by both parties to grow, to change, to work through the hard times and be happier in the good. The effort to change was not brought about by force from each other but from a drive within to be a better person, an improved version of ones self so the disappointment or hurt in the other person would never be felt or seen again.
She curled into a tighter ball, hugging the pillow under her head a little tighter as she buried her face further into it, attempting to wipe the tears which now flowed like a river. She knew even through he was not there for her, she loved him deeper than she had loved anyone else. She was trying hard to ignore the severed ties so the hallow, hurting feeling in her chest would subside. She knew her love for him was still very much alive burning deep within her as she was still attempting to improve herself in the hopes one day he would return and witness the wonderful changes she had made in hereself to be better for him. 
She worked hard each day to be a little more thoughtful in her words. Her love and compassion for society as a whole had always been what drove her to be honest and straightforward. Sometimes, being straightforward can come across as biting, dry, or rude. She wanted to speak to others with a smile in her tone. Unfortunately, his absense was to new to her and the pain often came across strong to others who crossed her path. The pain in her eyes, in her words, and in her mannerisms often made it seem she was angry. Nothing could be farther from the truth, she was not angry, she was in love and her heart breaking was leaving her breathless, speechless, and deeply saddened. There was no anger in her. 
She was disappointed in herself for giving so much of her self to someone else. She was even more upset she had let him explained to him how much power he held over her, how she only belonged to him; heart, mind, soul....it was all for him. Always, always for him....
She held on to solid hope. Her hope lead her to believe, one day they would be where they were a matter of months before he left. Her hope made sure she never, ever gave up on the "us" they were.  Yes, the seas were not always smooth sailing, but outside factors made the seas a lot rougher than they would have ever been otherwise. "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” She had watched the movie a few times, but it had never meant anything to her, not until her path ran into his. She felt passion she had not known in years. She would rather "fight with him than make love to anyone else." 
The fairy tale did exist. She had tasted it for a brief moment with him, despite all the obstacles in their lives - work, individual interests, very little in common - when they had spent the time actually communicating and spending time together, she had felt lighter than air and renewed. 
Now, she just felt lifeless and alone. She had been tossed aside like a childs broken toy. Maybe one day the child would return to the toy, remember the joy, fix the broken piece, and shower it in the love and attention it had once provided. More likely, the toy would remain in the corner or buried in the bottom of a toy box one day, until all memories had faded and it was finally thrown away, no happiness to be felft by the toy again. 
As she sobbed deeply into the pillow, a chill spreading through her body as the loneliness and pain echoed through her body, she hoped realized, like the toy, she would never be done. Her love for him would never be finished. It would continue to grow and ripple, it would continue to echo in the empty spaces of her mind, her heart, her soul he had left behind in his exit from her life. She was not finished. Her failing hope let her believe somewhere deep inside of him, he was not done either. 

love letter

Dear you,

It has been a while since we have really talked. Does it seem so long for you? I once shared all my dreams, desires, and fear with you. Now, I keep most of it to myself.
I miss the way you would push me to be better. I miss the way you calm me. I miss you. I miss who I am when I am with you. Mostly, I miss us.
You are larger than life. You are all I dreamt I could find. You are far from perfect, but that makes you better. I didn't fall in love with a perfect person, I feel in love with a real one. I feel in love you. You have your dark side. I was honored when you showed me your demons. You have a sensitive side as well. I really think that side of you, the side fearful  of being hurt, or maybe even more fearful of hurting someone else, is why you put your walls and such distance between us. The only problem, you broke me, my heart, and my trust in the process.
I told you, I would be there for as long as you would allow. I meant that with every fiber of my being. It would not matter how much time or distance there may be between us, if you really needed me, if you really wanted me, I would be there at your side.
You claim you are no good to me. How can that be true? In the beginning, you politely held the mirror to may face and made me face my own demons rather than run from them. You helped me find my smile again as well as parts of me I thought were lost long ago. If you are bad for me, then why is it that I feel so comfortable in your presense? Why are you my natural anti-anxiety?
The claim you cause me more anxiety is so far from the truth it is almost laughable. You don't cause me any anxiety, your absense in my life cause me anxiety.
I have been bent, broken, knocked down, walked on, beat up, put down....the list of horrific acts committed to me by people I trusted is almost endless. I cannot be cruel to others because I know exactly how that cruelty feels. It wasn't until I fully began to trust you when some of your own cruel acts began to surface. However, unlike those who did it only to watch me suffer, I sincerely feel you do such to keep from hurting me or maybe more so to keep from hurting yourself if I happen to turn out like any of your past. The sad thing, that mindset of pushing me away is what broke me the most.
I think about you all the time still. My heart is in my throat as I write this, my eyes clouded with tears. I miss what was along with what could have been.
I am not perfect myself. I have my flaws. I have been left so much by those who claimed to care and those who should have loved me unconditionally, I often assume people are leaving when maybe they are not. You accused me of that with you. I told you early in our conversations, I worry sometimes I am self-prophesying. I am so skeptical of people, whether it be they are honest or they will stay or they really care; I often push people away by not just letting them be themselves and love me for me.
I did ask you once, just one time to say it, but you couldn't. I feel like you loved me, but just once I needed to hear it. You refused to give me my request.
You can water a flower and give it artifical light, but until you give it true sunshine and natural water, you will never see it bloom to its full potential. I believe the same is true for people. You began with "natural sunlight and water" or maybe it was all fake..... You would tell me the things I needed to hear. Then, you took it all away and left me in a corner. I am wilting away.
I have gone back to who I was before I met you. I will keep to myself. I will bite my tongue. I do not smile as I did with you. The biggest difference between who I am now and who I was before you seems to be the tears which constantly cloud my eyes. Sometimes, I hold them at bay, right at the lids; other times, they fall hard and fast like the rain outside my window currently.
You walked into my life and made me feel. Then you walked out like it was nothing. Not feeling meant there wasn't this pain in my chest or this struggle to breathe.
I miss you. I understand you don't want me anymore; however, it doesn't make it any easier. I wish one day you will realize you miss me. I can guarantee, I will still be missing you. I gave you all of me. It doesn't matter if you give that all back, I can't accept it. It will wait on the doorstep where you left it, until you are ready to take it back. If that day never comes, the day you really want to be with me; at least I knew for a breif period in time what it was like to love you and be happy. I will have the memories forever.
I wish I could easily move forward and forget you, but that is not who I am. I will never move past you. It has taken me half my life to 'move past' previous loves, and those were all from when I didn't really know what love was - a rose on valentines day, a starlight proposal, a kiss underwater at the city pool - they were the loves of a girl, a child. If it took 15 or more years to move past those, when I was young and niave, how long do you think it will take the woman I have become to move past this love, what many would truly claim was the love of my life? I won't. I know that now - as a fact.
Deciding many years from now to move forward with a social life would not mean my heart had healed and I had moved on from loving you. My heart doesn't work that way. The same way you have loved and still do those of your past even while with someone else, I will love you. I will never be able to fully give myself to anyone again unless that person is you.
I feel like the stupid cliche'. Have you seen the "NoteBook".... I feel like I should write you a letter every day for the next year. You won't come back then and I know it. Yet, when the time comes, if it ever does, when I decide to move forward instead of remaining stagnant in the dark corner where you left me, I will be sure who ever I speak to or spend time with understands, my heart will always belong to you. If you were to ever walk back into my life, they would know exactly where I would stand - beside you.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss the feel of you hands on my body. I miss the intesity of your eyes when you enter me. I miss the way you would hold me away from you just so you could look at me. I miss feeling beautiful in YOUR eyes.
I don't care what the world thinks of me. I do care about what you think of me. If this is our next chapter, then yes, it is a sad one. I will do my best to hold my head high, while the tears drip from my cheeks...
Somewhere, deep down, I will try to have hope in a few more chapters our paths will cross again only this time to continue side by side.
You hurt me. I have said things out of pain, some of which I regret - not all, but some. I do not wish to see you in pain, but there would be some comfort if I felt this wasn't so easy on you; easy for you to leave me, to walk away. I feel you will forget me. Just know, unless there is some freak accident, I will NEVER forget you. I will think of you daily. I will miss you lips on mine, my hand in yours, our bodies together. I will miss all I could have been with your push and support. Mostly, I will continue to miss us.
You hurt me and continue to do so. I am not saying you did or do so on purpose. However, the pain, the broken,. the tears, are all real just the same. I told you once before, I meant it then as I mean it now, it would be so much easier if I didn't love you. If I could just turn it off, I would do so, but I can't. I love you. I all of you...even the part of you that enjoys irritating me, the side of you that hurts me, the side of you that you want to hide from the world but I was lucky enough to see.... I LOVE YOU. I will continue to do so until I take my last breath. The pain I feel from you being gone, the void in my life and the uncontrollable tears, ....all of that makes me wish that last breath would come sooner rather than later. The very very small portion of me still holding onto my hopeful nature, tells me not to be rash but patience will return you to me.
In the mean time, I will continue to send my thoughts I can no longer share out into the netisphere...I will continue to pour my heart into my writing. I will continue to LOVE you.
Missing you, loving you...always....

A love letter

Dear you,

I can still remember the first time I saw you, our first few conversations, the butteflies you gave me then and the butterflies you still give me. I still remember our first kiss; how nervous I think we both were. When I stop long enough, I can still taste your kiss and feel the weight of your lips on mine. The intensity of your eyes appears behind my lids everytime I close my eyes.

I am not the person today I was when I met you. I was sleepwalking when you walked into my life. Our paths did not pass on purpose, but somehow they crossed none the less. Your presense woke me from a sleep I had been in for longer than I care to admit. I had not realized I was going through life as if I were sleep walking. Not only did you wake me, you pushed me to be more, to be better. You took the time to make me a better person in so many ways. I tried to do the same for you, to be a friend you could trust, to be someone who pushed you to be a better person.

I allowed you into the darkest places of my soul. I let you into the broken pieces of my heart. I broke down my walls and gave you every part of me. You began to follow the same path, you let me close. You cared and you loved. Then you became scared. You realized someone else had the power to hurt you and because of that, you held me at arms length.

Being pushed out of places you once let me so willingly tred, hurt me deeply, but I love you too much to let it matter. I decided I would not quit loving you because you had decided to quit loving me. I vowed to always be there when you needed me. I will never go back on that vow.

You have broken my heart, because it was yours to break. I am trying to nurse the pieces back together. Time after time you pushed me away, I pushed back to prove that I am here. I am not sure now where I stand with you. I am here. I am waiting  patiently for you to decide what you want. I know it will never be where it was. I know you refuse to be hurt as you once were so you shut down loving me even if deep down you really do, you will never say so. It isn't over for me. I will continue to be here. Whether it is a day from now, a week from now, a month from now, or years down there road, I will still be here and it will never be over for me. I would wait for you for eternity.

You claim I need constant validation, I do not. I just need you to not from hot to cold to ice and back again. I just need a little consistancy. I am fine with waiting without validation if the interactions are consistent.

I want you in my life. You have had all of me and it is still all yours. You have my heart, while it is currently in a fragile broken state. I want to be better for you. I want to be better so you can love me. I want to be better so you will think that I could be enough to be in your life. I don't care if it is only as friends, I am not done. I am not walking away. I am not leaving your side. I am not lying to you. I am telling you everything I have to offer. I am giving you all of me.

I do not know how to prove anymore to you that I am not who you think I may be when you are lost in your own thoughts late at night.

Even if I never talk with you again, I am and have been yours. I will remain loyal to you. My heart and soul belong to you and there they will stay.

My love letter to you.....an acknowledgement of the pain you can cause, of the tears I have cried, of the hurt I have felt and yet my continued loyalty to not walk away. I will continue to endure the pain, the tears, the hurt, becuase my heart is now yours....from the day we met until I take my last breath...it is yours as am I.

I am not done

It has been a while since I have written. I should be sleeping. I have not felt well or "right" for days. I feel dizzy, almost loopy, with this somewhat floating sensation. It is like not being a part of my body and I hate it. The feeling has caused vomiting and exhaustion. It has caused me to be extremely irritable with my family which it isn't their fault I feel this way however they do nothing to help while I am "out of commission." I am surrounded by selfish people.
I have a few very close friends who have been my shoulder to lean and cry on lately. They have held me, let me drink, listened to my rants, wiped my tears, and continued to support me while I further seek self indulgent punishment.  They are the friends I will never have to question how they feel about me. They hold a mirror to my face while still being overly supportive. They are there and answer me when I reach out to them. They tell me when they will not be availavle. They have been kind.
My heart breaks for reasons undeserving. For the loss of what I had thought was a great friendship but can't seem to lend an ear when I need or be present when I ask. I had and for some strange reason still highly esteem this person, yet the insults and accusations have hurt me deeply. The pain I feel from having someone I so openly trusted call me a liar without details to back up the claim is beyond anything I can describe.  To have that same person who was so much a part of my life make said accusations then refuse to speak to me verifies to me how very little I truly meant to them. I have been through so much that I trust very few people. I am not outgoing. I dont seek others. I dont let down my walls for anyone. There are even parts of my barrier walls I haven't let down for my children which sounds bad as a mom and according to said person, I am a pretty crappy mom, so that just proves the point. Yet, I let them in, all the way. I broke down all the barriers and allowed all the trust. To know how fooled I was or am, yes, that stings. What hurts even more is knowing if the person would pull their head from their anus for one moment and act like half a person again, I would leave all the barriers down.
My heart breaks. My tears fall. The relationship dies, I suppose.
I try to embrace it. I try to move on with my life, but the pain of being so wrong and giving so much keeps me tied in place. If someone doesn't want to be included in my life, I should be fine letting them walk the other direction. I am just not fully prepared yet to do so with this person. I invested so many parts of my heart and soul to them that I feel walking away is just the easy way. I won't beg them to stay, but I can't bring myself to close that door yet either.
I am not done.....
I do  not know if it would be easier or harder for them to not be done....but I sincerely hope they are not done yet either.
I am trying to hold steadfast in waiting for them to communicate first. If not....will I be strong enough to continue to wait. Can I love myself enough to let it go?
I am not done........