Broken and lost

Do you ever just feel like your insides are being ripped apart? Have that empty hollow feeling? Ever afraid to cry because once it starts it might not stop? Feel that elephant on the chest which makes it hard to breathe? Mind won't quit racing and replaying everything over and over? Feel like your body is a jigsaw puzzle and wonder if it's worth even trying to put the pieces back together? Question if its worth trying again? Wonder if maybe the situation is just too toxic and failed to be recognized as such?

I see you. Do you see me?

Once you were rarely active on social media, now it's like you're on constantly. Is there someone new with whom you are spending time? Are you trying to fill a void? Are you wanting to reach out like I want, but don't know how? Do you even care?

I never claimed to be perfect. I have my faults, and I own them quite well. I accept my responsibilities. I am not always right and can admit when I am wrong. Can you do the same? Was it honest of you to call me a liar? Was it a fair assessment for you to tell me I am nuts, or crazy? Why is everyone who sees the world different from you considered crazy or psycho? You said the same of your ex.

I miss my friend, but I am trying to really dig deep to my soul and discover, were you really my friend? If you were, how can it be so easy for you to turn your back on me? How can it be so easy for you to cut me out of your life like I was nothing more than the employee at Subway who makes your sandwich? Did I not mean any more to you than the way you are treating me? I really feel I did not mean more to you. If I am being honest, if I meant so little, then our relationship was completely toxic, and I should not mourn it's lost or put forth effort to repair it.

I am lost. I admit. I am lost. I do not know what to do next. I live my life in flight or fight, on the constant. Yet you get upset when that side is triggered around you. While I may be able to help who I am and correct these actions, it won't happen overnight. I am trying; are you?

If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I did so much for you. I have tried so much to be a part of your life, to show loyalty, yet you continue to turned your back on me. I need people to prove they will stand by me, even when I am wrong, even when I am not right, especially when I am breaking or weak. Where are you while this is happening? You are gone; you removed yourself from my life. Do you even have any regrets? Do I ever cross your thoughts? Is there anything you would do differently?

I am writing this to help remove some of the toxic from my internal monologue. I doubt you will ever see what is written or how I feel. Yet, if you did, would it make a difference? Do I want it to make a difference?

So many unanswered questions. So many wasted moments and so much hurt. I am tired of the pain. I wish I could quit feeling. I have so few people I let close to me. I trusted you. I don't understand why you turned your back on me. I don't understand your actions or your words. I am lost. I am hurting. I am alone. Where are you?

abandon

"There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I crossed the line, it's not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new, some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason" 

so many songs and each one seems to relate to my life in this moment. 

I had a best friend. Today, I don't think I do. that brings tears to my eyes. 

A simple misunderstanding. A unfortunate change of events.and the blow up after. 

I have been abandoned by so many. It's easier each time and yet hurts so bad each time. 

each time someone I let get close makes the choice to walk away, it rips the old scars back open. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I didn't. I was being honest with a friend without attack. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I have never asked to be abandoned. 

don't tell me I asked for this. Am I not allowed to have an opinion, a feeling, a thoughts. 

don't tell me I asked for this. I did not. I am also not a victim. but apparently, I think more of you than you of me. 

don't tell me this is all on me...it is not... there are two of us....I did not ask for this. I asked for trust and conversation

"I can't run from you
I just run back to you
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame
You say my name
But it's not the same
You look in my eyes
I'm stripped of my pride
And my soul surrenders
And you bring my heart to its knees

And I wanna leave and I wanna stay
And I'm so confused, so hard to choose
Between the pleasure and the pain
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right
Even if I try to win the fight
My heart would overrule my mind
And I'm not strong enough to stay away"

You hurt me in ways I've let very very few people have the ability to hurt me any more. I've been left enough, I don't develop that trust or relationship any longer. It saves me from feeling. You wanted me to feel. You told me it would make me better. I trusted and leaned on you. Then when I feel, you tell me it's wrong, I am wrong. I let you in and I trusted you. I let you in and built this relationship. Instead of holding my hand, giving me a shoulder, listening to the fears or the worry, the stress, and heartache, you tell me I am wrong and you walk away, you shut me out. you leave me alone like everyone else before. YOU told me I push them away, but I really don't. They leave and now so have you and it hurts. 

Have you really left. Are you really done. Is the foundation we built with each other not stone but sand washed away by simple words and tears. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel like I am hollow inside while also feeling like there is an elephant on my chest. I work better with knowns than unknowns. I need to know; but maybe I never will. are you gone. Am I alone again. 

my dreams, never quite as it seems

It's been a while since I've sat at the keyboard and just taken the time to write - write anything.
The last 4 years have been a roller-coaster, but this is my life. I think the entirety of my life has been one huge long lasting roller-coaster.
I have recently dubbed myself the Unlovable Girl - its a superpower to be this unloved and overlooked; I swear it is. The sadder part, I try, I really really try with people. I try to be helpful, kind, caring, sensitive and yet it's either completely ignored, blown off, or seen as insincere.
This all just seems like whining. This is my free write to just get back in the habit. I feel like I should write a story. My muse has been making the rounds again but I am not sure where to start.

I had this random dream the other night. I was in a boat on the lake. The sun was shining, the water was smooth as lake water is. There were beautiful big puffy clouds in the sky. For whatever reason, we were the only two people on the boat. The rest of our families had decided to stay on shore at the house while we took the boat for a ride. He was attempting to talk me into jumping into the water. I was watching the water and seriously contemplating the jump from the boat. I reached my toes into the water to feel the temp and something in my gut told me to get back as far as possible. He had come up behind me and was about to push me in when I turned on my heel and grabbed him close to me so he couldn't push me. He felt the shiver down my back and pulled back looking in my eyes to ask "What's wrong?" I tried to steady my voice as I looked up at him "I don't know, but something isn't right. We really need to get back to the house. I don't think we are safe out here on the boat."
It was just at this moment, its face broke the water. I screamed and pulled my face into his chest. He turned just in time to see the jaws open wide. Before we both could comprehend what was happening, the alligator was on the boat, mouth open, lunging toward us.
He pushed me toward the front of the boat and the controls. What should have been a fun, relaxing day spent in the sun and quickly turned dark and frightening.