Windows to the Soul

His eyes haunt me. I wake to thier image behind my closed lids. I fall asleep to the image of them burning in my mind. I dream about them most nights. There is much concealed in those dark, smoldering eyes. I have a multitude of questions which are often forgotten or overlooked. I observe those eyees when we are near, waiting for any insight to of the feelings buried deep within them. I concentrate on his words as I examine his eyes, attempting to decode the thoughts he keeps so close to his chest and won't share.

It seems extremely cruel to have let down my defenses. He has witnessed me during my most vulnerable state, and yet he denies sharing similarily with me. He deems it fair for him to be able to see others, yet will refraining from allowing others to see him in the same manner. His defenses stay securely intact. Perhaps there will come a day when he will identify someone worthy of lowering his defenses. In the meantime, I curiously observe and attempt to solve the puzzle of the man which sits before me.

I revel in his discussions but repeatedly his eyes don't match his verbalized thoughts, convincing me he is often withholding a part of his emotions or possibly an intricate concept. The eyes are the windows to the soul or so we are told. His eyes are dark and feel independent of his being. Don't mistake me, he has moments during which his eyes are warm and caring, but those moments are few and far between. Most often, they are cold and calculated and shut down any further invasion into who he truly is.

His eyes express all while revealing nought. They witness plenty yet process considerably different than any individual I have met. I would sacrifice greatly to witness his barriers, his defenses, descend and grant me passage into the soul hidden deep within their confines, if only for a brief moment. I suppose I once was inside those barriers;  the experience of being within comparable to a warm summer rain at the instant the sun emerges from the clouds.  A place which I chose never to abandon, and yet as quickly as I felt the warmth, I was thrust out again. It was security, comfort, yet soul wrenching simultaneously; resembling the luxury of a compassionate embrace on a day bursting with sunshine to standing isolated in a blizzard with no protection from the cold. He holds no hateful or callous intent when holding souls outside his barriers; rather it is executed as self-preservation. I, of all people, identify with self-defense mechanisms. I consider prior episodes during which he permitted my entrance into the warm sanctuary of that sweltering stare; however, I remained too locked behind my own barriers to grant myself entry where so few had been allowed. The mistake was mine in believing his barricades would remain unrestricted until I was prepared.


It is possibly my mistake now to think I will ever be let back behind those walls. It is likely a lost cause and I should forget what is there. I should try to block those eyes from the images that play behind my eyes, in my thoughts, or in my dreams. Unfortunately, it all too easy to state what should be done and less likely to actually be able to follow through on those thoughts. In the meantime, I will continue to watch, to attempt to learn, and to see those eyes everywhere I go. I will continue to be mesmerized by their magic, their depth, their intelligence, and their conundrum of the emotions and thoughts of the person they represent. I will work to decode the puzzle they represent, for the challenge is well worth the prize.

Holiday lost magic

I don't care much for the holidays. It's been years since they held the magic for me they once did. I try each year to put my heart into this time of year, with a little hope that it will be different from the year before, and each year I am disappointed, because while it is different, it hasn't improved, but is only more disappointing. My children are the number one reason for my attempt each year to make the season magical and pour every ounce of my heart into it, well, my children and others for which I care deeply. Unfortunately, Christmas has lost its meaning to so many who are more worried about what is under the tree than who is gathered around the table later. The more the people who I care so deeply for, such as my children, take the magic for granted and appear so ungrateful, I become more disheartened. There are many factors which weigh into the equation of my frustration, heart break, and disappointment.
The biggest factor is the lack of family close to me. I grew up in a large family, while there was only my mom, my brother and me, we lived close to my maternal grandparents and each of my mom's siblings, their significant others and their children (my cousins). I remember everyone gathering at Grandma and Grandpa's house to eat dinner, with the adults at one table and the kids at a smaller table set to the side in the almost pantry area. We didn't get a ton of toys but mom did what she could to keep the magic alive. My grandparents would get a single gift for each grand kid and I would also get a gift from each of the other families (my Aunt Dolly, Aunt Ellie, and Uncle Bob). The gifts weren't important. The magic was in everyone under one roof, the hugs, the loud talk, and everyone gathered around the table after long hours in the kitchen cooking. After my grandparents died in 2002, it was never the same. The siblings were too busy backstabbing, and our close nit family went the way of a tornado, blown apart and scattered.
My kids will never truly know the excitement and magic of family gathered for the holidays. We have a few set holiday traditions with my inlaws, but it isn't the same. The magic is there the way I remember it when I was 5, or 10, or even 15. My children almost dread going to family on the holidays and I as a child had always looked forward to going. While I may not be as excited as I should be, I always try to make my kids excited, quoting special traditions and acting happy about the travels.Yet, it doesn't seem to make a difference to them in their outlook of the travels.
Another big factor in my lack of interest in Christmas or the whole holiday season (Thanksgiving to New Year) is the lack of thought and caring from others. I put forth my best, throwing myself into cooking a large meal, only to be chastised for wasted cost. I then put thought into each gift I select, only to be chastised again for having too much under the tree. When I do smaller versions of the holidays, I am yet again chastised for not having done enough. Yet, during all this criticism, no one seems to be willing to think about me, or put a caring thought into doing something for me, whether it be a small gift or a kind action. The older I get, the more it seems those I surround myself with are just worried about themselves. I still believe in putting others first, and this backfires on me. If I put someone else first, and they put themselves first, where does that leave myself, or others? Where has our thought and caring gone? Why can't society at least for a small season, put some thought and caring into their actions?
One of the final huge factors, I tend to have people in my life who care more about themselves than about others, and I prefer it the reverse. This point follows closely on the heels or almost exactly mirrors the point listed previously. How is it or why is it that society has become so obsessed with themselves? Where did good deeds and loving our fellow man disappear? Or rather when did it disappear? And why am I so attracted to those who can't see beyond their own nose? I would love to have selfless people in my life, and yet, my selflessness appears to only attact selfishness. From my spouse to my kids and even co workers (few expections here, so don't everyone take offense), it appears everyone is in this life for what it offers them rather than what they can provide to it. How can life be fulfilling if you are only worried about yourself? Life becomes much more meaningful when you worry about what you can do for others. Which is where I think I lost my spirit of the holidays this year; I did not make time as I should have for what I could do for others until it was too late. While I live for the crunch, it took most of the magic out of the season and only added stress. My heart was not full, because I didn't have time to share my kindness, caring, and compassion with others who would appreciate it. I shared these gifts with those who would rather have money than kindness and that left me empty and hollow. I love doing for others, but it doesn't feel rewarding when it isn't appreciated, and much of what I did was not appreciated this year. Therefore, I don't care much for the holidays anymore. I hope next year, I will be in a better place in many aspects and will find the magic again. For now, it is lost.....