I feel the need to write. Typically it is easier to write when I can listen to my music or have had some emotional influence that drives me.
There are times in life that make a person reevaluate themselves. Sometimes it is a breakup, other times it is the loss of a loved one, in my case, it was reviewing my past. Am I really sincere, or am I repeating a vicious cycle, year after year, day in and day out? The feelings seem so sincere. I feel as if I could easily say "I love you" and mean it with every inch of my being, not just mean I love "you", but that I am head over heels, completely in love. Am I lying to myself? Do I hesitate with relaying the message because I doubt my own sincerity or because I am afraid to be that vulnerable/be rejected. How many times previously have I sincerely felt this way? How many times have a taken a potential subject and written a beautiful story that implied I had felt I was in love but was only fictitiously spinning a fairy tale that didn't exist for the sake of my readers?
Am I really a fraud? Or is this real? I want this to be it, but maybe wanting something and it actually being are completely different things. He has seen me close to my worst. I have opened up more to him than anyone else. I am not sure he appreciates it and each time I kick myself a little harder for falling deeper into the rabbit hole. He also makes me feel like the best me I can could be. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he helps me to see the colors of the world around me by just simply enjoying a piece of each of my days. I can only hope to repay what I receive by half. I want to give more than I receive, but I know that is highly unlikely to happen in this scenario. I have been broken for so long, it is nice to feel my broken pieces slowly coming back together. The thought of having a day when they are broken back apart because all that has brought them together is missing from my life and left me in more broken pieces than I was in the beginning is very scary to me. Yet I know it will happen. It happens almost daily. I feel the hole, the hole where my heart once was and the pressure on my chest and the feeling I can't breathe.....these are all small signs of what is to come later.
My walls have been broken down, I am open and vulnerable. I can't imagine putting those walls back in place nor do I wish to do so at this point. Yet there will come a time, likely sooner rather than later, where I will feel the pain and anguish that comes from letting someone not only that close to my deepest thoughts or my heart to allow them to break it, but into my soul, where they can make such a huge difference. I don't open my soul to many if I have ever let any into see all there is, good and bad, light and dark, anguish and contentment, sadness and happiness. I never want this to end. I want to say all these things, but fear scaring the person who has become such a vital part of my existence, which is a huge role to fill and can sound so scary. I also don't doubt that I ask more than should be expected, yet I try so hard to have no expectations. How is that possible?
How can a person want to be with someone so much and have no expectations? How can you look for the smile in each day in the small things they offer and have no expectations? How can you totally avoid any expectation of another or even yourself in these situations? Part of those expectations aren't focused on the other person but on yourself. I try to accept the situation as it is. I try to accept each person for who they are. I try to accept what I can get and not want or need any more, but sometimes, no matter how much I try, I forget. I forget to accept who they are and what they offer and I push. I push when I shouldn't. I am me, you are you, and so on. In life, we need to learn to accept one another for who they are, but too often we are stuck in our own heads dealing with our own demons and place them on the shoulders of those who are trying to accept us for who we are. Unfortunately, projecting our fears, anxieties, and demons on those who care often leads to driving them away.
My fear, love without reciprocation. Opening up, being raw, and stating those feelings, and being turned away because I am not good enough. Sometimes, it is much easier to keep quiet, or keep the walls firmly in place. Sometimes, it is easier to ignore the thoughts, ignore the words in the back of my mind that try to come to the forefront of my mouth and keep them firmly in place where they can't be rejected by someone else. Sometimes, I would rather be alone by choice than to try to connect and be left alone due to rejection.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Raw
The night was dark and cool. She sat in the passenger seat watching the mist and rain drops gather on the windshield. As they became abundant, they would pool then with the help of gravity and the slant of the windshield they would wind their way down to toward the bottom of the windshield and the wipers. Outside the fog was starting to thicken slightly. He sat in the drivers seat beside her, quiet, too quiet. Unwillingly and unmalicious, she had lost his trust and hurt him in one fell swoop. It was a stupid careless misunderstanding, but she no longer cared to defend her position, she only wanted to make it right.
Small talk felt forced, and she was unsure what to say. He attempted to make it light hearted and began with small talk. She just wanted to touch him but was afraid of the reprecussions of what it would do or his rejection more that anything.
Finally, he told her could they be where it were possible,he would have her sitting right beside him. At this, she almost let the tears she had held in for days out, but instead she only let herself hope once again as she loosened up and adjusted in her seat to be more comfortable. He reached over and grabbed her arm, then held her hand. She leaned her chin down toward her other arm which sat between them on the center console. The conversation flowed a little freer, still focused on small talk and avoiding the topic at hand that had caused them both pain. She was dying inside knowing she had hurt him at all. It had never been her intent, his happiness was her only objective. She had adored who she became around him. She loved how she felt comfortable in her on skin, most days, but that night was the exception.
Eventually he leaned in and with a hand behind her head, he pulled her in as he kissed her, almost angrily on the mouth, as she went to kiss him back, he pulled back, stared at her and said "no." Again, he did it and again it was the same angry kiss, passionate, but angry, hurt, mad. She felt it in her bones and more so in her heart. She didn't dare kiss him back this time, until his kiss softened. As it softened, she felt again the pain but she felt agony, and she felt her own pain surface. Their kiss was one unlike any of the hundreds before it. There was something new to this. As they continued to kiss each other, there was a real raw pain that could be felt with each. She felt a hunger in his body and it was matched in her own. She was hungry for his forgiveness and for his arms. She wanted to be held, caressed, coddled, and kissed as he was kissing her now, like she was his air and he had been without it for days, for that was how she felt about him. Every minute apart often felt like hours, hours felt like days, a day felt like a weeks, and she couldn't even imagine if they had to spend a week apart, how that would feel.
They moved closer, yet no matter how close, the distance was still too much. She slid into the back seat and he followed her. They laid, side by side, on the seat, he was almost over her, and he craddled the back of her head as he kissed her in such a way that each kiss left her breathless and yet needing the next in order to breath. She tried to convey with each kiss, the raw emotion she felt, how her heart was his along with her soul if he wanted it. She had known she loved him, and being back in his presences in solitude after the situation had confirmed that her heart was his. She had been in denial for a while but there was no point denying it now.
The rain continued on the windows outside, yet all she could hear was the pounding of her heart. All she could see was him and his eyes, those eyes that could make her heart skip a beat and her breath catch with a simple look. He didn't believe her about it anymore of course, but it was true. She could lose herself in his eyes.
His hands were warm and kind and gentle. He continued to cradle her and her head, to hold her close to him. The heat from his body was inviting and they fit together like puzzle pieces. Each touch, each kiss, each look, was full of raw emotion and open thoughts and a need for one another.
She still reflects back on the perfect night. She wonders if there will ever be a night like that in her future. She would give anything to go back to that point in time and be held like that, to be kissed with such raw passion, to be starred at through eyes that appeared to scream of love even if it was denied that was the intent.She knew her eyes were saying she loved him, and to this day, she would tell him, if it weren't for the knowledge that he would still reject that love. She will keep those secrets to herself and remember the details as if some long lost dream she was woken from too soon.
Small talk felt forced, and she was unsure what to say. He attempted to make it light hearted and began with small talk. She just wanted to touch him but was afraid of the reprecussions of what it would do or his rejection more that anything.
Finally, he told her could they be where it were possible,he would have her sitting right beside him. At this, she almost let the tears she had held in for days out, but instead she only let herself hope once again as she loosened up and adjusted in her seat to be more comfortable. He reached over and grabbed her arm, then held her hand. She leaned her chin down toward her other arm which sat between them on the center console. The conversation flowed a little freer, still focused on small talk and avoiding the topic at hand that had caused them both pain. She was dying inside knowing she had hurt him at all. It had never been her intent, his happiness was her only objective. She had adored who she became around him. She loved how she felt comfortable in her on skin, most days, but that night was the exception.
Eventually he leaned in and with a hand behind her head, he pulled her in as he kissed her, almost angrily on the mouth, as she went to kiss him back, he pulled back, stared at her and said "no." Again, he did it and again it was the same angry kiss, passionate, but angry, hurt, mad. She felt it in her bones and more so in her heart. She didn't dare kiss him back this time, until his kiss softened. As it softened, she felt again the pain but she felt agony, and she felt her own pain surface. Their kiss was one unlike any of the hundreds before it. There was something new to this. As they continued to kiss each other, there was a real raw pain that could be felt with each. She felt a hunger in his body and it was matched in her own. She was hungry for his forgiveness and for his arms. She wanted to be held, caressed, coddled, and kissed as he was kissing her now, like she was his air and he had been without it for days, for that was how she felt about him. Every minute apart often felt like hours, hours felt like days, a day felt like a weeks, and she couldn't even imagine if they had to spend a week apart, how that would feel.
They moved closer, yet no matter how close, the distance was still too much. She slid into the back seat and he followed her. They laid, side by side, on the seat, he was almost over her, and he craddled the back of her head as he kissed her in such a way that each kiss left her breathless and yet needing the next in order to breath. She tried to convey with each kiss, the raw emotion she felt, how her heart was his along with her soul if he wanted it. She had known she loved him, and being back in his presences in solitude after the situation had confirmed that her heart was his. She had been in denial for a while but there was no point denying it now.
The rain continued on the windows outside, yet all she could hear was the pounding of her heart. All she could see was him and his eyes, those eyes that could make her heart skip a beat and her breath catch with a simple look. He didn't believe her about it anymore of course, but it was true. She could lose herself in his eyes.
His hands were warm and kind and gentle. He continued to cradle her and her head, to hold her close to him. The heat from his body was inviting and they fit together like puzzle pieces. Each touch, each kiss, each look, was full of raw emotion and open thoughts and a need for one another.
She still reflects back on the perfect night. She wonders if there will ever be a night like that in her future. She would give anything to go back to that point in time and be held like that, to be kissed with such raw passion, to be starred at through eyes that appeared to scream of love even if it was denied that was the intent.She knew her eyes were saying she loved him, and to this day, she would tell him, if it weren't for the knowledge that he would still reject that love. She will keep those secrets to herself and remember the details as if some long lost dream she was woken from too soon.
Moments
There are moments in time that are pivotal, that change you, that harden you, that open you, that break you down, that build you up, that change your whole way of thinking. Sometimes they happen in a classroom, or on a basketball court, in your childhood home, or in an empty parking lot late at night. Many of these moments you are later grateful for happening. Often times, while they are happening, they are painful and you aren't sure you can handle the pain they cause during the process. While occasionally they can be happy moments, often the ones that really shape you are the ones that caused the most pain. While it is sad to think that, unfortunately, it is often the reality of it. The things that don't kill us make us stronger. However, while we grow stronger, we also have a tendency to grow more cynical and hardened. When we harden ourselves against the elements, we close ourselves off from the potential good around us. We close ourselves off from the possibility of love, of friends, of exploration, and new adventures. We close ourselves off from seeing the best in ourselves, because too often we see ourselves through the negative eyes of those who caused the pain. Pain is needed for growth. Love is needed to keep our humanity. Humility is needed to keep our kindness.
Those moments, when they happen, you have to decide how to move forward. Do you cut those people who caused it from your life, or do you turn the other cheek time and again to allow them to continue the damage, and the growth process. When is enough enough? When do you finally call it what it is? A time to move on, a time to grow while leaving them behind. The time to make the decision is also dependent upon the situation. A lesson learned on the basketball court by a coach who is trying to teach you to be better and grow as a player can be painful for the strain on the muscles, or humiliating in front of teammates as the mistake is made apparent to all, but the player will show respect, apply the skill, and later thank the coach for all they do. A love who has damaged a heart, that is a lot harder. Often the damage is too irrepairable to appreciate the lesson learned and allow the forgiveness and show of respect, and often they walk away from each other rather than learn and grow in that love. A moment when one is left alone, crying on a darkened parking lot from the over abundance of stress, and there is no one there to lend a shoulder, teaches you, you truly are alone, it is only you against the world, there is no one else who will ever be there. In this case, the walls of solitude are strengthened, the heart is hardened a little more and the tears drown the humility and kindness and love on the inside until you are a cold shell of what you once were.
Unfortunately, the negative moments in life, the ones where you feel less than who you are, those are the moments that seem so much easier to trust in and believe than the good moments, the moments that try to tell you that you are loved, that you are good enough, that you are worth something.
Why is it that the bad things are so much easier to believe than the good? Why is it that negative attitudes are so much more infectious than a positive attitude? Why is people are more inclined to share a negative experience than a positive one? Why are people more likely to tear one another down rather than build each other up? Why can't we embrace and love each other as we are, rejoice in our differences, be happy for each others successes rather than be bitter and jealous for what we don't have?
I want to surround myself with people who don't have to watch my every move, who believe that I am an honest person. Who want to tell me the good things about myself not the negative. I want to be around people who understand I am a person who loves to build others up, who loves to celebrate in others small victories in life, whose heart bleeds when you are in pain. I love my friends, my family, and even my enemies. I want to be the person to turn the other cheek. But I also what to be the person who learns how to walk away from a toxic situation, not because I don't care, but because I am more important than the toxic situation. And because I am smart enough to learn I can't change that person and it will be easier to love from a far.
My heart is huge, and I feel way too much of what is going on in others around me.
Moments, they exist. They are real. They build us, they break us, they make us grow. Everyone needs a shoulder sometimes. Now is my time for a shoulder and I haven't one to lean on, to cry on, to hold me. I miss having shoulders to be there when I need them. I am not one to admit when I need a someone, and I am not only admitting, I am crying outloud, begging for someone, anyone, to be there, to be my shoulder, to be my person, and yet I am yelling in to an empty oasis, the yells and screams they echo and come back, bouncing back from the broken jagged darkness that surrounds me. My heart is bleeding, my eyes won't stop crying, my hands tremble, my knees are weakened, and my feet will no longer move one in front of the other, I need a crutch, I need a shoulder and I have only myself, and that pain, that pain, that realization, that is enough to put all my walls back in place, to harden my heart and keep everyone once again at arms length. I am tired, and I am weak, and I am don't want to keep going.
Help! Can anyone hear me out there? Help! Help me! (as I fall to my knees in sobs shaking my shoulders and my back curls around my knees - my sobs become silent as the tears stream down my face and my small ineffectual fists pound the soundless ground) I realize I am alone and the darkness weighs down on me. I don't want to open my eyes again. I want to go to sleep and remain there, my eyes to never see light again, for my heart and my body to not feel pain again. For my lungs to not burn with the cold winter air, nor my body to burn due to the over exposure to sunlight during the summer, I think I'd rather not feel these again. I think I would rather sleep the sleep of 100 years or more.
My sons arms around my neck as he hugs me goodnight or my sweet snuggle bug cuddling with me in the early morning hours, those are the very few things I'll miss, but are they enough?
Help!!! Help me!! Tell me I am not alone. Tell me I have a shoulder! Hold me tight like you plan to never let me go. Help!! (My sobs become even more inconsolable as I am still here alone.) Where has everyone who claims to love me disappeared? Where are those who claim to care? I need someone....anyone...HELP! the tears are enough to fill glasses, I can't catch my breath through the sobs. Why? Why am I alone? HELP!
These are the moments, these are the moments that shape who we are, that forge our future and dictate where we go. Moments, they are good and bad, they happen sometimes in the least likely places, but the moments, however small or large, however old or new, it only takes one small moment to change the course you are on. "two roads converged ...in a road.....and I took the one less traveled...."
written 11/9/15
Those moments, when they happen, you have to decide how to move forward. Do you cut those people who caused it from your life, or do you turn the other cheek time and again to allow them to continue the damage, and the growth process. When is enough enough? When do you finally call it what it is? A time to move on, a time to grow while leaving them behind. The time to make the decision is also dependent upon the situation. A lesson learned on the basketball court by a coach who is trying to teach you to be better and grow as a player can be painful for the strain on the muscles, or humiliating in front of teammates as the mistake is made apparent to all, but the player will show respect, apply the skill, and later thank the coach for all they do. A love who has damaged a heart, that is a lot harder. Often the damage is too irrepairable to appreciate the lesson learned and allow the forgiveness and show of respect, and often they walk away from each other rather than learn and grow in that love. A moment when one is left alone, crying on a darkened parking lot from the over abundance of stress, and there is no one there to lend a shoulder, teaches you, you truly are alone, it is only you against the world, there is no one else who will ever be there. In this case, the walls of solitude are strengthened, the heart is hardened a little more and the tears drown the humility and kindness and love on the inside until you are a cold shell of what you once were.
Unfortunately, the negative moments in life, the ones where you feel less than who you are, those are the moments that seem so much easier to trust in and believe than the good moments, the moments that try to tell you that you are loved, that you are good enough, that you are worth something.
Why is it that the bad things are so much easier to believe than the good? Why is it that negative attitudes are so much more infectious than a positive attitude? Why is people are more inclined to share a negative experience than a positive one? Why are people more likely to tear one another down rather than build each other up? Why can't we embrace and love each other as we are, rejoice in our differences, be happy for each others successes rather than be bitter and jealous for what we don't have?
I want to surround myself with people who don't have to watch my every move, who believe that I am an honest person. Who want to tell me the good things about myself not the negative. I want to be around people who understand I am a person who loves to build others up, who loves to celebrate in others small victories in life, whose heart bleeds when you are in pain. I love my friends, my family, and even my enemies. I want to be the person to turn the other cheek. But I also what to be the person who learns how to walk away from a toxic situation, not because I don't care, but because I am more important than the toxic situation. And because I am smart enough to learn I can't change that person and it will be easier to love from a far.
My heart is huge, and I feel way too much of what is going on in others around me.
Moments, they exist. They are real. They build us, they break us, they make us grow. Everyone needs a shoulder sometimes. Now is my time for a shoulder and I haven't one to lean on, to cry on, to hold me. I miss having shoulders to be there when I need them. I am not one to admit when I need a someone, and I am not only admitting, I am crying outloud, begging for someone, anyone, to be there, to be my shoulder, to be my person, and yet I am yelling in to an empty oasis, the yells and screams they echo and come back, bouncing back from the broken jagged darkness that surrounds me. My heart is bleeding, my eyes won't stop crying, my hands tremble, my knees are weakened, and my feet will no longer move one in front of the other, I need a crutch, I need a shoulder and I have only myself, and that pain, that pain, that realization, that is enough to put all my walls back in place, to harden my heart and keep everyone once again at arms length. I am tired, and I am weak, and I am don't want to keep going.
Help! Can anyone hear me out there? Help! Help me! (as I fall to my knees in sobs shaking my shoulders and my back curls around my knees - my sobs become silent as the tears stream down my face and my small ineffectual fists pound the soundless ground) I realize I am alone and the darkness weighs down on me. I don't want to open my eyes again. I want to go to sleep and remain there, my eyes to never see light again, for my heart and my body to not feel pain again. For my lungs to not burn with the cold winter air, nor my body to burn due to the over exposure to sunlight during the summer, I think I'd rather not feel these again. I think I would rather sleep the sleep of 100 years or more.
My sons arms around my neck as he hugs me goodnight or my sweet snuggle bug cuddling with me in the early morning hours, those are the very few things I'll miss, but are they enough?
Help!!! Help me!! Tell me I am not alone. Tell me I have a shoulder! Hold me tight like you plan to never let me go. Help!! (My sobs become even more inconsolable as I am still here alone.) Where has everyone who claims to love me disappeared? Where are those who claim to care? I need someone....anyone...HELP! the tears are enough to fill glasses, I can't catch my breath through the sobs. Why? Why am I alone? HELP!
These are the moments, these are the moments that shape who we are, that forge our future and dictate where we go. Moments, they are good and bad, they happen sometimes in the least likely places, but the moments, however small or large, however old or new, it only takes one small moment to change the course you are on. "two roads converged ...in a road.....and I took the one less traveled...."
written 11/9/15
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