As she walked through the door, the she could feel the negativity hanging in the air. The week had been a busy one and she was ready to just breathe, unfortunately, she knew breathing wasn't going to be on the agenda this evening.
It was becoming worse, and the worse it became, the more she just wanted to stay away from home. She had been having to leave the house early and work late to meet deadlines. Then there was the obligation to the kids activities. She had set herself up to be swollowed by a black hole but she did these things for the kids. While they missed her at home, they enjoyed every precious moment she spent with them. Lately, having an electronic device taken away or being grounded from TV wasn't punishment but rather punishment was in her not reading a bedtime story or seeing them early in the morning before she quickly ran out the door.
All of her actions were for her family. However, the patriach of the household just wanted to hold it over her head. When she woke in the morning, he was already grumbling under his breath. Each day that week before she had left for work he had choosen to raise his voice and pick an argument or throw accusations at her. Dealing with the negativity and toxic environment first thing out of bed made it hard to start the day on a good note. Another reason she decided to focus on the kids in the mornings and when she finally came home at night. Their love for her, their genuine smiles to see her and spend time, to tell her about their day, all of those things made her day a little brighter.
Unfortunately, the toxic environment wasn't affecting just her, it was taking its toll on the kids as well. The anger which she sensed always in the air was quite often taken out on them in her absense. It was so very frustrating. She was an adult, she knew it had nothing to do with her really, but the kids, the kids don't understand it has nothing at all to do with them - well mostly nothing to do with them. They were kids, there were constant aggrevations with the lack of chores being completed. Yet, from their point of view, they were expected to do the dishes, pick up, sweep, mop, take care of the animals, and take care of each other; and so often when he was home, he sat in his recliner and did nothing. They could understand when she finally sat down and zoned out, she ran ragged, and she also let things she requested of them to slide - a little.
The toxic environment, how she became to describe home to outsiders. Isn't home suppose to be the safe haven from the storm? Hell no, not her house, not now. They were both adults. There was no need to be hostile or hateful. There was a need to work through chores in a divide and conquer manner and a need to agree on discpline while they were still under the same roof. The more toxic and hateful it became the more she counted down the days til she could leave. She really thought they could co-habitate and co-parent while they worked toward the greater good of paying down debt and looking for a better opportunity for the both of them.
She had no reason to be angry with him and tried to be polite, but he made it almost impossible. He was always so angry and bitter. He was hateful and rude and disrespectful. He wanted to kids to be well behaved, respectful and honest and yet he possessed so very few of those traits. It was just become so tiresome and she was already so tired with everything else that wore her down; yet the outside issues which wore her down kept her so busy she didn't have much time to focus on the toxic.
The countdown had begun. She only hoped this time she could make progress. She dreamt of the place that was hers, where it was only her and the boys, where the air was calm and life was just a little bit easier, while not any less hectic. Soon, she felt it, soon she would have it.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Anybody out there
She sat on the bed, blankets pulled up, heating pad under her feet. It was the end of summer, fall was just around the corner. The days were still reaching 90 degree temperatures and yet at night she just could not get or stay warm.
She was working on a few things on the computer, preparing for the next day. In the background she kept several programs running. There had been radio silence for 24 hours. She wanted to reach out, but considering she was always the one starting a conversation, she had hoped for a little effort. There had been no calls, no text messages, no private messages, nothing. She tried to focus her attention on items she could control, like the work she needed to finish.
She didn't want to play games. It wasn't her nature. Part of her felt waiting for him to make contact was a game, while the other half felt waiting for someone who she felt she annoyed half the time to make contact, was respectful so she did not continue to annoy. He made her feel like she was a chore rather than enjoyable company. Feeling less than anything was not a good place for her. She had been working to eradicate such negativity from her life. She did not want to cut ties, but she knew once the first 24 hours was complete, waiting for him to say he wanted her in his life without her having to seek such confirmation would become easier.
She had been busy most of the day. She had very few moments to do anything personal. She had even fewer to participate in her guilty pleasure of checking social media. The occassionally messaged using the private messaging applications within in social media. The handful of times she had checked the private messaging to see if he had been active, she had just missed his being online.
At this knowledge, half of her wondered who he spent time talking to on the site; a friend, family member, a replacement to occupy his time. The other half wondered if he was seeking a message from her. Again, no games were intended. She was just tired of always feeling like a nuisance. She asked several time for him to meet her to chat, and each time was told no. The constant rejection and lack of enthusiasm made it hard for her to feel like she was anything more than a burden on his time and an irritation to him.
She had recently taken time to "serve her heart on a silver platter" so to say, giving him the knife and gun and map to all the places and ways to hurt her. He claimed he would respond and like any other time such claims were made, he never did. He had made a lot of comments and even promises and never followed through. Yet, she was the bad person for being upset when he let her down. It all confused her so much.
She checked the site one more time, and turned her attention back to work, the one constant, security in her life. Her day had not been bad. She had continued to focus on the positives. As always, she went above and beyond for those around her. She had done several items at work, both related to her job and not related, which were not required and for which she had not much time to accomplish, but it had made others happy as it made their job eaiser. One of those had nothing at all to do with work, but had made her supervisor extremely pleased on a personal level, which made her feel accomplished and proud of taking those moments.
She had never expected others do as much as she was willing to do for them. She knew people in general did not operate in that capacity. She just wanted those she cared for to reach out and tell she was missed, she was cared for, she was needed (in some capacity). She had thought recently of taking her life. She sincerely though about it now, and wondered exactly how many people, aside from her children who would really miss her. Some would be saddened for a day or two, but most wouldn't think twice about it a week down the road. Life would resume, she would be forgotten, until a "remember when" story surfaced. At her age, those stories were so few and far between. She wondered if anyone would even be aware she was gone once she was.
Which made her think of him again. She was not missed by him. He had no reason to reach out to her. She would continue to sit and stare at the screen in front of her and work on the items she could control. Tomorrow would either be easier or a little harder, but she knew, the longer he went without putting forth an effort toward her, the more he confirmed he never really cared.
She felt yet again she had been gaslighted. She decided the screen was getting her no where and so she shut down the computer, turned off the lights, and lay in bed, with a whisper into the dark for his heart to hear "I love you" and a prayer she would not dream for she knew if she did it would be of him.
She was working on a few things on the computer, preparing for the next day. In the background she kept several programs running. There had been radio silence for 24 hours. She wanted to reach out, but considering she was always the one starting a conversation, she had hoped for a little effort. There had been no calls, no text messages, no private messages, nothing. She tried to focus her attention on items she could control, like the work she needed to finish.
She didn't want to play games. It wasn't her nature. Part of her felt waiting for him to make contact was a game, while the other half felt waiting for someone who she felt she annoyed half the time to make contact, was respectful so she did not continue to annoy. He made her feel like she was a chore rather than enjoyable company. Feeling less than anything was not a good place for her. She had been working to eradicate such negativity from her life. She did not want to cut ties, but she knew once the first 24 hours was complete, waiting for him to say he wanted her in his life without her having to seek such confirmation would become easier.
She had been busy most of the day. She had very few moments to do anything personal. She had even fewer to participate in her guilty pleasure of checking social media. The occassionally messaged using the private messaging applications within in social media. The handful of times she had checked the private messaging to see if he had been active, she had just missed his being online.
At this knowledge, half of her wondered who he spent time talking to on the site; a friend, family member, a replacement to occupy his time. The other half wondered if he was seeking a message from her. Again, no games were intended. She was just tired of always feeling like a nuisance. She asked several time for him to meet her to chat, and each time was told no. The constant rejection and lack of enthusiasm made it hard for her to feel like she was anything more than a burden on his time and an irritation to him.
She had recently taken time to "serve her heart on a silver platter" so to say, giving him the knife and gun and map to all the places and ways to hurt her. He claimed he would respond and like any other time such claims were made, he never did. He had made a lot of comments and even promises and never followed through. Yet, she was the bad person for being upset when he let her down. It all confused her so much.
She checked the site one more time, and turned her attention back to work, the one constant, security in her life. Her day had not been bad. She had continued to focus on the positives. As always, she went above and beyond for those around her. She had done several items at work, both related to her job and not related, which were not required and for which she had not much time to accomplish, but it had made others happy as it made their job eaiser. One of those had nothing at all to do with work, but had made her supervisor extremely pleased on a personal level, which made her feel accomplished and proud of taking those moments.
She had never expected others do as much as she was willing to do for them. She knew people in general did not operate in that capacity. She just wanted those she cared for to reach out and tell she was missed, she was cared for, she was needed (in some capacity). She had thought recently of taking her life. She sincerely though about it now, and wondered exactly how many people, aside from her children who would really miss her. Some would be saddened for a day or two, but most wouldn't think twice about it a week down the road. Life would resume, she would be forgotten, until a "remember when" story surfaced. At her age, those stories were so few and far between. She wondered if anyone would even be aware she was gone once she was.
Which made her think of him again. She was not missed by him. He had no reason to reach out to her. She would continue to sit and stare at the screen in front of her and work on the items she could control. Tomorrow would either be easier or a little harder, but she knew, the longer he went without putting forth an effort toward her, the more he confirmed he never really cared.
She felt yet again she had been gaslighted. She decided the screen was getting her no where and so she shut down the computer, turned off the lights, and lay in bed, with a whisper into the dark for his heart to hear "I love you" and a prayer she would not dream for she knew if she did it would be of him.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
It was a a quiet night at the house. The sun had not set long before and the stars were shining over head. The cooler night air implied the start of fall was not too far in the future. The whipperwill was no longer heard and while the chirping bugs and the few lonely frogs were still sounds of the late evening, they were much quieter than they had been during the heat of summer. A late afternoon shower had left the ground wet yet the pavement of the roads and driveways had received enough time to dry considerably.
She had arrived home long after the sunset. Her days and evenings were beyond full; a constant movement which helped keep her mind from her personal life; well, mostly. She opened the door and walked through the house, illuminating the various lamps and lights in different areas of the house. She made her way toward the bedroom, stepping quickly from her office attire. She settled into a tank top after removing her bra. She slipped a warm, comfortable hoodie over her head. She chose a pair of capri sweats from the shelf and tugged them before slipping her feet into the flip flops she kept under her bed; one of the two pair of go to shoes for the evening hours, the other being a pair of ballet flats.
She walked into the kitchen again, stopping to water the plants in the window and hanging in the corner from the ceiling. She filled a glass with water and quickly finished the contents. She then opened the fridge and pulled out an ice cold can which had been left from a previous visit with friends. She popped the top on the can, and almost inhaled the contents of the can. After her first long drink, she set the can on the counter and stepped through the back door to the porch. She stood there for a moment attempting to look at the stars through the foiliage of the trees. She left the door open but slid the screen door shut as she walked back to the counter to grab her can.
She looked at the couch waiting empty and alone in the livingroom and then glanced back at the door she had just returned from; the outdoor setting won her interest. She had thought about grabbing her phone but decided instead to leave in on the counter while she enjoyed the peaceful sounds of the outside and continued to focus on the stars shining beautifully above her head.
She had been so lost in looking at the stars and listening to the sounds around her while her memories had drifted across her mind like a movie; she had almost jumped out of her skin when something brushed against her throat. She dumped her can in the process and had almost succeeded in giving him a black eye. He sat back and laughed heartily as she struggled to catch her breath and clean up the mess she had made. She glared at him with a low rumbling growl under her breath. She then dropped what she was using to clean the table and jumped on top of him; luckily, he caught her. He flipped her around so she was seated across his lap rather than straddling it. He leaned her backward and kissed her soft, yet firm on the mouth. She melted in the kiss, in more ways than one as she felt herself begin to go wet. She pulled back from the kiss, and looked him in the eye. One of the best things about him, he never waivered in his gaze when their eyes met. Her breathe caught in her throat and her pulse quickened. She could feel the desire glaze her eyes as she leaned back in for another deep kiss. She hoped all she was thinking was conveyed in the action.
This time he broke from from her. She looked at him again, then slid from his lap. She stood up watching him while she did. She hesitated before stepping toward the door. He grabbed her hand to pull her back toward him as he stood. She fell into him and he engaged in another deep meaning lip lock as he grabbed her ass and pulled her into his arms and lifted her. She felt him set her on the top of the table where she had recently spilled her drink. She wrapped her legs around his waist as his hands found her back and hair to pull her closer. She again felt the desire deep in her abdomen as their bodies entertwined. She could feel his desire. She reached for the bottom of his shirt as he slid her shirt from her body and stepped back to look at her. She was always self conscious under his gaze yet there was something there that made her bold; she felt desired and attractive when he looked at her in that way. He leaned in again to trail his lips along her ear and neck as his hands slid behind her to undo her bra. She heard the small moans release from her lips and bit her bottom lip to keep silent.
Her hands soon found his bare torso. She adored the feel of his skin and the warmth of his bare chest to hers. His mouth continued is exploration of her body as he trailed down her chest and her stomach. She fought back against squirming and giggling as it tickled and concentrated instead on the erotic intensity of it. He made his way to the top of her jeans and tugged playfully at them with his teeth before trailing his way back to find her lips with his. Too soon into another deep kiss, he stopped to pick her up and carry her into the house.
While she welcomed the comfort of the couch where he initially stopped to continue his arousing of her senses, she had also enjoyed the thought of having him fill her with the stars bright over head. Sensibily, she thought she would likely not have been able to enjoy the interaction as much on the hard unpolished wooden table. The house was comfortable, he had dimmed some of the lights she had left on when she had walked outside. They were soon engaged in another kiss, during which she found the top of his jeans and worked to unbutton them while he did the same to hers. Too quick almost, he had her out of her jeans and in nothing but her panties while his jeans remained in place only open in the front. She slid her hand under the waistband of his boxers to caress him. His eyes turned to deep dark puddles of lust. He stripped her panties from her and quickly slid out of his jeans, leaving his boxers and socks in tact. Her body was screaming to feel him in her and next to her; craving to feel their bodies become one. Somehow he had given her what no other could give her in the past and that alone excited her.
He found her wet pussy with his mouth and brought her to the brink of an orgasm. He yet again pulled back and just stared at her nude body and the way she squirmed. He was taking an immense amount of time or so it seemed to her as she was ready for feel him enter her. He then leaned over and kissed her deeply and passionately, before scooping her up and carrying her to the bedroom. He carefully lowered her to the bed and stepped back while he finished undressing. As he stepped closesr she moved quickly to pull him into her mouth and afford him some of the pleasure he had recently bestowed upon her. She so enjoyed giving him pleasure in anyway. She could almost orgasm just from taking time to pleasure him. He soon stopped her, walked over to dim the lights and then lay down on the bed beside her, pulling her body closer to his. The warmth of his body was welcome to her, but more so the simple feeling of their bare skin next to each other was comforting. She enjoyed the feeling of being in his arms. His kiss was unlike any other and she could never get enough.
He continued to caress her as she did him. His kisses became deeper and more meaningful, almost hungry. She soon flipped herself on top of him as she could not stand another minute of not having him inside her. She straddled him for a moment, staring deeply into his eyes yet again. She leaned down slowly to kiss him and stopped moments before her lips touched his, her body waivering inches above him. She could feel his breath catch and could almost feel his pulse quicken. She liked knowing she had as much of an effect on him as he did on her as he didn't allow her to know it often.
As she leaned into the kiss, she lowered her body and slid back just enough to feel her own breath catch as he entered her.
It amazed her sometimes still how perfectly their bodies fit together, how smooth he could enter without guidance - unlike so many lovers she had previously. There was something other worldly about being with him. She tried not to over analyze the interactions and just enjoy them, but there was almost something magical about there intimacy. Sex with him wasn't just sex. Of course, there were times it was just sex; but most of the time, he met her and kept her on a different realm. The connection between them was as if their bodies and souls had known each other for long before this world. It was hard for her to just let him go between those times and not think about him or crave his presense. There was a part of her that felt empty with his absense. She tried to not come across clingy or needy - often failing miserably. She wasn't a needy girl. She was very independent and she enjoyed being so. She learned at an early age to be self sufficient and need no one. Yet, when he was not around or there was lack of communication, she literally felt as if part of her soul was missing; she felt hallow and empty. She had tried so hard to not allow emotions. Emotions were messy and worthless. Yet, she couldn't help the way she felt about him emotionally. She could not put those feelings into words for words did them no justice.
She had arrived home long after the sunset. Her days and evenings were beyond full; a constant movement which helped keep her mind from her personal life; well, mostly. She opened the door and walked through the house, illuminating the various lamps and lights in different areas of the house. She made her way toward the bedroom, stepping quickly from her office attire. She settled into a tank top after removing her bra. She slipped a warm, comfortable hoodie over her head. She chose a pair of capri sweats from the shelf and tugged them before slipping her feet into the flip flops she kept under her bed; one of the two pair of go to shoes for the evening hours, the other being a pair of ballet flats.
She walked into the kitchen again, stopping to water the plants in the window and hanging in the corner from the ceiling. She filled a glass with water and quickly finished the contents. She then opened the fridge and pulled out an ice cold can which had been left from a previous visit with friends. She popped the top on the can, and almost inhaled the contents of the can. After her first long drink, she set the can on the counter and stepped through the back door to the porch. She stood there for a moment attempting to look at the stars through the foiliage of the trees. She left the door open but slid the screen door shut as she walked back to the counter to grab her can.
She looked at the couch waiting empty and alone in the livingroom and then glanced back at the door she had just returned from; the outdoor setting won her interest. She had thought about grabbing her phone but decided instead to leave in on the counter while she enjoyed the peaceful sounds of the outside and continued to focus on the stars shining beautifully above her head.
She had been so lost in looking at the stars and listening to the sounds around her while her memories had drifted across her mind like a movie; she had almost jumped out of her skin when something brushed against her throat. She dumped her can in the process and had almost succeeded in giving him a black eye. He sat back and laughed heartily as she struggled to catch her breath and clean up the mess she had made. She glared at him with a low rumbling growl under her breath. She then dropped what she was using to clean the table and jumped on top of him; luckily, he caught her. He flipped her around so she was seated across his lap rather than straddling it. He leaned her backward and kissed her soft, yet firm on the mouth. She melted in the kiss, in more ways than one as she felt herself begin to go wet. She pulled back from the kiss, and looked him in the eye. One of the best things about him, he never waivered in his gaze when their eyes met. Her breathe caught in her throat and her pulse quickened. She could feel the desire glaze her eyes as she leaned back in for another deep kiss. She hoped all she was thinking was conveyed in the action.
This time he broke from from her. She looked at him again, then slid from his lap. She stood up watching him while she did. She hesitated before stepping toward the door. He grabbed her hand to pull her back toward him as he stood. She fell into him and he engaged in another deep meaning lip lock as he grabbed her ass and pulled her into his arms and lifted her. She felt him set her on the top of the table where she had recently spilled her drink. She wrapped her legs around his waist as his hands found her back and hair to pull her closer. She again felt the desire deep in her abdomen as their bodies entertwined. She could feel his desire. She reached for the bottom of his shirt as he slid her shirt from her body and stepped back to look at her. She was always self conscious under his gaze yet there was something there that made her bold; she felt desired and attractive when he looked at her in that way. He leaned in again to trail his lips along her ear and neck as his hands slid behind her to undo her bra. She heard the small moans release from her lips and bit her bottom lip to keep silent.
Her hands soon found his bare torso. She adored the feel of his skin and the warmth of his bare chest to hers. His mouth continued is exploration of her body as he trailed down her chest and her stomach. She fought back against squirming and giggling as it tickled and concentrated instead on the erotic intensity of it. He made his way to the top of her jeans and tugged playfully at them with his teeth before trailing his way back to find her lips with his. Too soon into another deep kiss, he stopped to pick her up and carry her into the house.
While she welcomed the comfort of the couch where he initially stopped to continue his arousing of her senses, she had also enjoyed the thought of having him fill her with the stars bright over head. Sensibily, she thought she would likely not have been able to enjoy the interaction as much on the hard unpolished wooden table. The house was comfortable, he had dimmed some of the lights she had left on when she had walked outside. They were soon engaged in another kiss, during which she found the top of his jeans and worked to unbutton them while he did the same to hers. Too quick almost, he had her out of her jeans and in nothing but her panties while his jeans remained in place only open in the front. She slid her hand under the waistband of his boxers to caress him. His eyes turned to deep dark puddles of lust. He stripped her panties from her and quickly slid out of his jeans, leaving his boxers and socks in tact. Her body was screaming to feel him in her and next to her; craving to feel their bodies become one. Somehow he had given her what no other could give her in the past and that alone excited her.
He found her wet pussy with his mouth and brought her to the brink of an orgasm. He yet again pulled back and just stared at her nude body and the way she squirmed. He was taking an immense amount of time or so it seemed to her as she was ready for feel him enter her. He then leaned over and kissed her deeply and passionately, before scooping her up and carrying her to the bedroom. He carefully lowered her to the bed and stepped back while he finished undressing. As he stepped closesr she moved quickly to pull him into her mouth and afford him some of the pleasure he had recently bestowed upon her. She so enjoyed giving him pleasure in anyway. She could almost orgasm just from taking time to pleasure him. He soon stopped her, walked over to dim the lights and then lay down on the bed beside her, pulling her body closer to his. The warmth of his body was welcome to her, but more so the simple feeling of their bare skin next to each other was comforting. She enjoyed the feeling of being in his arms. His kiss was unlike any other and she could never get enough.
He continued to caress her as she did him. His kisses became deeper and more meaningful, almost hungry. She soon flipped herself on top of him as she could not stand another minute of not having him inside her. She straddled him for a moment, staring deeply into his eyes yet again. She leaned down slowly to kiss him and stopped moments before her lips touched his, her body waivering inches above him. She could feel his breath catch and could almost feel his pulse quicken. She liked knowing she had as much of an effect on him as he did on her as he didn't allow her to know it often.
As she leaned into the kiss, she lowered her body and slid back just enough to feel her own breath catch as he entered her.
It amazed her sometimes still how perfectly their bodies fit together, how smooth he could enter without guidance - unlike so many lovers she had previously. There was something other worldly about being with him. She tried not to over analyze the interactions and just enjoy them, but there was almost something magical about there intimacy. Sex with him wasn't just sex. Of course, there were times it was just sex; but most of the time, he met her and kept her on a different realm. The connection between them was as if their bodies and souls had known each other for long before this world. It was hard for her to just let him go between those times and not think about him or crave his presense. There was a part of her that felt empty with his absense. She tried to not come across clingy or needy - often failing miserably. She wasn't a needy girl. She was very independent and she enjoyed being so. She learned at an early age to be self sufficient and need no one. Yet, when he was not around or there was lack of communication, she literally felt as if part of her soul was missing; she felt hallow and empty. She had tried so hard to not allow emotions. Emotions were messy and worthless. Yet, she couldn't help the way she felt about him emotionally. She could not put those feelings into words for words did them no justice.
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