First Love ~ Jan 7 2009 ~ Revised 4.5.13

Jan 7, 2009
first love

Current mood:touched

She was 15; a hopeless romantic, but unfortunately well grounded when she had met him. By the age of 18, she had been proposed to twice, but knew those relationships would not last. Yes, they would turn in to great friendships, or awesome memories, but they were not the stuff of long lasting relationships, of marriage.
She was not of the beauty that most people dream they will be; she had dark hair and dark blue eyes, high check bones, semi full lips, a slender, athletic figure, and extremely short in height. She was not one to turn heads when she went places and most of the guys in school saw her as the "friend". 
Yet at 15, she had found the love of her life. That love that still makes her search for him when she is out shopping or driving though towns that he once lived. He was her match, and in one brief moment, she tossed him aside, breaking not only his heart, but shattering her own into a million pieces.
They had been 14 when they met. He as tall, dark hair, dark eyes, and beautiful olive skin. She had been awkward, having developed the way a young woman does years before any other girl in her class, and because of that she had been made extremely aware of a figure she would then try to hide for years to come. She had grown up as "one of the boys" making it hard to know what to do when you found the person you wanted to get to know in a romantic sense. As a matter of fact, they had been brought together by a sleepover at a friends house, a friend that had been like a brother to her.
From that first night they had been inseparable. He was the 'bad boy'. Always into some sort of trouble, always seemed to have a cigarette dangling from his lip. She was the ultimate good girl, top of the class, always in good with teachers, friends parents, never even so much as back talked. Instantly there was a chemistry that was so strong neither could deny it.
She made him want to be a better person, and while they were together, he was. He stayed out of trouble, he took harder classes, he tried to excel so they could go to college together, knowing she would never settle for anything less than continuing her education so she could get out of the small town where they lived. He could be as fierce as a lion, but was nothing more than a tame little kitten with her. His hands were so soft when he touched the skin of her face, his embrace so protective when he held her yet cradling as if she were breakable. His lips and eyes spoke of a love that was so pure and true, it would never be felt again.
Yes, they were meant for each other. The completed the best and worst of each other. The yin and the yang, brought together for a moment in time that was such beauty.
She had a moment of weakness while he was not with her. She felt that she had betrayed the sweet, innocent pure love that existed between them. For that, she let him go, believing that one day, however far away it might be, that fate would deliver him back to her. She felt the excruciating pain that she put him through every time she saw him in the halls, and cried every day for more than a month because of that pain and her own. Her heart never completely healed from that pain. How could she have been so ignorant to throw away the best love of her life?
After she started to heal, she never really let anyone else in. She could never let anyone have her heart they way she had given it to him. For the first few years after him, she even used most of the boys that came in and out of her life. It wasn't fair to them, but she couldn't help it. She kept up a wall that never fully came down. She just could not bear the thought of ever possibly feeling that pain again one day.

First love is beautiful. Some are lucky enough to never have to let it go. Some people walk away peacefully, knowing that the time has come for them to go their separate ways, others however, have their heart shattered and never recover from that pain. They try to move on, they try to let others in, but they never seem to fully trust themselves enough to let it go, for fear, they will just hurt again, maybe even worse the next time.

12:28 PM

A Taste of Fiction ~ Jan 27, 2009

Jan 27, 2009
A taste of fiction

Current mood:artistic

She was scared and alone. It was cold outside, and she slunk down further under the covers, and hid her head. There was a rumble as the train rode through town, but being so alone, the sound startled her, until finally she recognized the common sound that she would normally love during the day. Lights flashed in the window, and she held her breath, but the lights continued down the road. She released her breath and tried to calm her agitated nerves. Get a hold of yourself was the only thing she could think. Why was she so on edge?

She had definitely been left home alone before. And on much worse night than tonight. Maybe that's what set her nerves on edge. She could handle the alone when the storms thundered outside her window. Then she could barely keep her eyes open. Maybe something about the pounding rain on the windows and the deafening thunder hid all the other sounds that she could now hear on this peaceful night. She did miss the warm arms around her, that would normally hold her on nights like this until her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep.

It was normally after she drifted off to sleep that he would release himself from her light grip on his arms and softly, gently remove himself from her bed. He'd move out to the living room where he would put on his shoes and jacket and locking her safely in, would let him self out her front door and into the late night chilled air. He would then slip behind the wheel of his big pick up and allow the truck to warm up, already missing the smell of her hair and the warmth of her breath against his arms.

It was those nights that she slept peacefully and completely. She would sleep all night, not waking until after morning light feeling fully rested. Not too long after she would wake, he would come back by, with the normal morning coffee, and they would sit on the couch before he had to slip away again to go to work. And she would go about her day. Yes, those nights and those mornings were the most peaceful for her, the way things should be, if they could not be together all the time, she would settle for those nights. But the nights like tonight, no, these were the nights she hated. It was too quiet, and too cold. There was no warmth in her hair from his breath. There was not security in his arms. She felt cold and exposed and alone. Mostly she felt alone. And that scared her above all else. She had always welcomed the alone time she had. She loved being by herself. Now the fact that she didn't like to be alone, that scared her.

She has started to feel like part of a whole, instead of just whole. What happened when that part wasn't around? Now she felt missing. Something was off, not quite right. She missed the way she felt before when she didn't feel the need to rely on his company, to only feel whole when he was there. What would she do if he never came back? Would she ever be able to sleep normally again? Calm down you fool she thought to herself again. She had to get her emotions in check. He was a friend, nothing more. That was it. She was whole by herself, wasn't she? Had she really been so foolish as to fall for this guy? She hadn't made any promises. She hadn't given him her heart, had she? No, that would have been way too foolish. Yet, she felt some part of her was missing when he wasn't there. So what was this?

11:13 PM

 

Dark Waters ~ Feb 2 2009

Dark Waters

Current mood:gloomy

The water was black and cold and crushed in on every side of her. She came up and gasped, the cold night air stinging her lungs. And then she went back under. She kept trying to tread water but the harder she tried the more tired she became and couldn't seem to keep herself afloat. Her lungs were hurting and she kept drinking more of the cold dark water than she was breathing cold fresh air. What happened when the water over took her? What would happen to her?

As she grew colder and more tired her mind started to flash back to so many different places and times. To when she was child and spent summers with her dad. The pictures flashed before her like a slide show of her life. Times spent at the beach while her dad buried her in the sand and then next while he took his turn in the sand. She saw images of riding the roller coasters at their favorite amusement park, and her begging to be let off. She saw the images from when she first learned to drive in the big open field behind her uncles house.

Later she saw the images from her first love, the bear he bought her for valentines day when they were only 14, the roses he brought to school for her and the ever romantic candle light steak dinner he cooked for her, and then the images of them dancing in his mothers kitchen to some sappy country song on the radio while the candles still burned.

Next flashed the pictures of parties she had attended. A constant show of friends that she had run around with. Then came images from first days of school in high school. There were pictures from graduation, prom. It was all there, just one long continuing movie.

She came back up and was able to break surface again. Gulping in fresh air and another mouthful of water at the same time. The air burned and refreshed at the same time. She thought this time when she had come out of the water she had seen lights but she couldn't be certain. Again she came back up but the water quickly drug her back under but not before she was able to spit out the mouthful of water and drag in one more big breath.

The pictures seemed to blur together now as the flashed past. Suddenly there were pictures of the next love of her life. Dark nights out riding back roads. Trips to the liquor store. Scenes of peeing on a dark country road and hitting deer at 2 am. There were scenes of the look in his eyes as he told her he thought his destiny lied with her. Pictures flashed by of snowball fights in the backyard, nights sitting on the hood of his pickup watching the stars in 20 degree weather, and then a flash of a wonderful night spent sitting by the lake watching fireworks.

The images raced by. She then saw images of her life without him. Life in a new town with new friends. She watched the images from her graduation. Images from her wedding. Images of new homes, and new places.

She came up again, but this time not on her own. By this time she had given up. Her life was over she was sure. But then someone had their arms around her and was pulling her up out of the water. When she surfaced, she started choking and coughing, the lights were blinding in the dark night. The cold was unbearable, like a thousand tiny daggers against her skin. She was not sure who had her or even where she was. All she knew was that the slide show had stopped. The pictures that were moments ago so fresh in her mind were now fading quickly. She shivered violently. The cold was to the bone, and it hurt in places that couldn't be described. All of a sudden a warm blanket found it's way around her and on the surface she started to warm. But now the fight that she had put up in the water was starting to take it's toll on her. And she quietly allowed her eyes to close, but as they did and she started to allow herself to succumb to the sleep that wanted to take over, she swore that man from the hood of the pickup truck had leaned over to kiss her lips lightly and whisper in her ear that he was there, forever now, and would never let her slip again.

9:26 PM

A blast from the past

     Kalila had been in the back yard watching the kids play, a book in her hand, sunglasses on, sprawled on an old quilt a dear friend had given her once upon a time, soaking up a fair amount of vitamin d in the precious rays of the sunshine. The boys were getting a little restless, and looking at how far she had made it in her book and the travel of the sun in the sky, it was time to go inside. She was thinking about this as she packed up her quilt, book and other items. Thoughts of making some fresh squeezed lemonade over tall glasses of ice, enjoying some time inside on the couch watching a movie with the boys while basking in the air conditioning after a nice cool shower were running rampant inside her head. That was why it took her by such surprise when she rounded the corner to the front yard and there he stood. She closed her eyes and opened them again, thinking him nothing more than a figment of her imagination, but there he still stood. Again, she closed her eyes and rubbed them, thinking this is a dream, I must be asleep outside still on the quilt, or I've just been in the heat too long, I am hallucinating. Yet, once again when she opened them, the mirage in front of her was still there standing close to six feet tall, same dark hair and dark eyes she remembered and same crocked, cocky smile. Yes, she thought, here it is, I am losing my mind, only her mirage spoke to her and sounded very much alive and not so much like the dream she had grown accustom to hearing.

     "Hello, Kalila. How are you?" Aidan stood there, staring at her. She had aged some, but he could still see her the way she was years ago when they had been together. He was amused by the look of shock that registered across her face. He has forgotten just how easy it was to read her every thought and emotion yet found himself quite happy that after all this time apart such little things had not changed. Aidan was willing her to speak, to say something, to acknowledge him in any way except to run in the house and lock him out. He wasn't sure what he had expected from her when he showed up unannounced on her doorstep and only hoped he wouldn't regret the effort he put in making the trip. Although, if he were being honest with himself, there wasn't much effort made, more like he was behind the wheel on the way to run an errand one minute and the next he had pulled up to the curb outside of her home. She had always been magnetic to him that way, calling him home, without saying a thing and without him knowing it. As lost in his own thoughts as he was, he quickly snapped back to the present hoping she would say something and soon. About that time, two rambunctious boys came running around the corner calling to her. He realized that maybe he should have called first, or not come at all and turned to leave.

     "Boys, do me a favor, k? Clay, I need you to go ahead and jump in the shower, get changed into something comfy after. Mason, I need you to pick out a movie for us and get your stuff together so you can take a shower after Clay is done. Ok?" Kalila asked them. 

     "Yes," they answered in unison, "ok."

      She then turned back to Aidan as he had already turned away. "Are you leaving so fast?" She asked him in earnest. He had just arrived and already was trying to leave. "I needed to get the boys going, I won't have too much time to talk alone. As for your question, I am doing fine. And you, how are you?" 

      Aidan stopped dead in his tracks. He felt elated inside. This was more than he hoped for and yet there was so much to say and ask and it seemed there was so little time to do so. Again, he was kicking himself mentally for not having contacted her first and set up this time properly. He reasoned with himself that he was afraid she would refuse to see him if hadn't hadn't just shown up. He turned back to her and smiled. "No, I am not leaving, now. I was afraid I was intruding and didn't want to over step." Wow, had he really just said that? Wasn't showing up in her life at her home without invitation unannounced completely overstepping? As the mental war waged on, he tried to bring himself back to the present, and the situation at hand. "Sorry, I am overstepping. I should have called first. I am glad you are willing to talk to me. I've missed you." He blushed a little as he said this, however no one except Kalila would have known since his dark tan hid the red of the blush well, but she saw. 
     "Yes, I agree it is an intrusion, but a nice one." She responded back to him, this time it was her time to blush. What was she doing? She argued with herself. He had left her, she had moved on. She finally felt grounded and secure in herself and yet, he shows up without so much as a phone call and she can't help but have those warm feelings come rush back over her. 

Exhausted

Exhausted, but completely content. A little stressed but content. With the emotional rollercoaster I've been on this week, it's nice to feel a little more evened out. I am a little frustrated with myself at the moment. I normally can crank out a paper in no time flat. Here I am working until 2:30 am after working on this paper since about 7:30pm and I am only half way there. What the heck? Seriously. I am a little frustrated with my spouse. I work very well, especially with my creative writings if I can plug in a set of headphones, and turn on my favorite creative pandora station - Thriving Ivory. Love that station. Right now I am listening to Howie Day's Collide. Anywho. I am about to head in and get some sleep. Hope to wake early in the morning and crank out the rest of the paper while Lex is still asleep, then start on some boring household work. Also need to take the burb in and get the tires fixed finally. I do have a meeting with G's counselor in the early am. And maybe sometime tomorrow I can fit in a nap. That would be absolutely AWESOME! K...my bed is calling my name. Nothing super profound tonight, but enough to feel as though I made a step forward. I would love to get back to the habit of writing every night. We'll see. I really just miss the elegance of the words I was once able to use and the way the sentences flowed. It takes me a while to get back to that art form. Soon, maybe!
Night all!

LOST

She had wandered out to the woods. Although she had been in this area many times before, she felt turned around and lost as dusk was settling in around her. It was too dark for her to be able to make out known landmarks from other similar objects around them and she wasn't sure how she would make it back home. She was longing for home at the moment, needing the warmth within, the dry comfort of a roof over her head, and needing to feel the softness of her pajamas and warm blankets on her bed. Panic was beginning to set in as it continued to grow darker. When she had journeyed out into the woods she had never meant for this to happen. She had only meant to get some fresh air, put some space between her and the material things and give herself some time to think. She never wanted to worry anyone, just get away from everything for a few moments. Now where was she for all her thinking, alone in the cold with no way to get back to the comfort and warmth. She felt at a crossroad in her life. That crossroad was currently keeping her awake at night and cutting into her school work and social life. There was too much at stake to just take the decision lightly. One path could lead to a new exciting life, and love beyond human possibility. The other path was safe and more traveled, but meant staying close to where she was and settlling on contentment. Was it worth it to take the leap? What if she fell? The pain that would come with the fall would be too much to bare, but the exhiliaration of landing gracefully and having it all was too enticing. At the same time, neither choice came without a consequence, the fact that someone would be hurt. The risky path meant leaving her parents behind and hurting them. Taking the risky path also meant leaving behind the sweet boy whom she was mildly attracted too but was a safe bet. He would stand by her, and would never hurt her. Staying on the safe path meant pain for herself, because she would never get the chance to stretch her wings and fly. Playing it safe would mean never following her dreams, keeping it close to home, of never knowing her true potential. As well, staying on the safe path meant denying her heart of the risk of truly loving someone. Yes she cared for the other boy, and he made her feel safe, but sometimes safe wasn't enough and contentment of being cared for and caring for someone else didn't seem to hold the same meaning as a love full of passion. However, if she never made it back to the path and found her way back home, she may not have a choice either way. The temperature outside was beginning to drop and she wasn't dressed for the lower temperature. She had hoped her parents hadn't been out of town this week while she had been fighting with this decision, now there was no one at home to know how long she had been missing and send someone out to find her if she didn't show back up at the house again. Again, she tried to sit and calm herself, knowing the panic would only make it worse, but being on the verge of losing her cool from the deep set in panic rising in her chest.

Cross Roads

What a person does when they are standing at a crossroads can make or break their life, ok, maybe not quite so dramatic, but it can and usually will have a dramatic outcome on their future. The hardest part of standing in that position is not knowing whether to turn left, right or keep going straight, for it takes being down the path and looking back to really see which turn taken put is where we are, and what choices could have put us on a completely different path.
I feel I am standing at those crossroads right now, so many things hang in the balance, up in the air, like a juggler with his flaming torches. One wrong toss, one wrong catch, one wrong move down the wrong path could set the whole thing in flames. There are so many challenges I deal with in my daily life, especially in the present, that I often wonder "Am I really this strong to be able to hold all this weight on my small shoulders?". I have always been taught that a person will never have more trials, weight and sorrow bestowed up on them than they can handle. I truly hope that is right because I really feel I am reaching my breaking point. I sit and wonder if the crossroads that lie before me are only there as another test to my strength.
I read yesterday that bad choices make for good stories. I know I have one heck of a story to tell. I have had some many ups, downs, adversity, triumphs, loves, heartbreaks, and lessons learned that it would definitely hit home with many people. My story does read like a great fiction novel with a little bit of something for everyone.
I met the love of my life when I was (almost) 15, only to break his heart and mine by walking away. Then at 16 in an attempt to some how hold on to him through the reminders of him in a new guy, I met the villain in my story.  I have had children, beautiful homes, been left with no where to live, been jobless, been sought after for jobs. I have had the best and the worst of every situation. I only hope to find the time to sit down and put thoughts and memories to paper while I am still creative and while my memories are fresh in my mind, before they fade.
Life is often like a dream, when you first wake up, the dream is vivid and real; tastes, smells, colors remain fresh in the mind. As the day goes on and you become more alert, the details of the dream fade, the vividness becomes dull, colors forgotten, until the concept is often the only thing we are left to remember if we can even remember that. It is the same with our lives. As we are young, everything is vivid, bright and easily remembered, ,yet as we travel through the day (our lives) the bright vivid experiences fade, memories become dull and eventually fade. If they are not captured somewhere, they are lost forever. I do not want to lose myself forever.

A day of rest...lol

Today is Sunday, otherwise known as the day of rest. Yes, I find that funny. I started my day off by being woke up at 3:30am by Lexington. On Friday night, my sweet little cherub when to sleep at roughly 11 pm and slept until 10:20 am on Saturday morning. He never woke during this time. I, however, had to wake at 7:30 Saturday morning to get myself ready and wake Garrett up so he could get ready for his basketball game. We had to leave our house a little before 8:30 to ride with his friend Graham, his mom Valisha, and her mom who were nice and allowed us to carpool. We did not make it home until close to noon. that being said, my sweet little angel, Lexington went to sleep last night at 10:45 roughly only to wake at 3:30, and again at 4:15 at which time we put him in bed with us. When Lex sleeps with us, it is a very uncomfortable sleep. Ben and I share a queen size bed, so once my sweet little man who is only a little over 2 foot tall (29" to be exact) decides he needs to sleep with mom and dad, it becomes a very crowded bed as he thinks his 29" frame needs the whole bed to himself. Therefore, Ben winds up with roughly 14 inches on his side of the bed, I get maybe the same amount on my side of the bed and Lexington gets everything in between so he can stretch out. I believe somewhere around 6:30 Ben woke up and decided to finally move Lexington to his own bed once more. We then slept until around 9:30 when Lexington woke us up yet again. I, refusing to get up, lounged in bed catching up on reading some emails from my phone. I finally got my lazy bones out of bed around 10am and came out to check on Lex and everyone else. Ben started breakfast and we finally sat down to eat around 11:30. The whole time he was working on breakfast, I was working on dishes and cleaning off the kitchen counters. After breakfast, I jumped in the shower and then Garrett, Kimberly and I left Ben and Lexington at home to head to church. Church was nice, and Kimberly and I left after sacrament, and Garrett stayed for Sunday school and Primary. Kimberly and I travelled to a few quick destinations where I had to run quick errands before returning home at roughly 3:15 pm. Once home, Ben and I worked on folding laundry, then Kimberly and I picked up toys on the living room floor. Garrett came home around 4:30 and Ben and Kimberly left around 4:45 to take Kimberly to meet her mom in Searcy. Garrett, Lexington & I were at home and Lexington kept getting into the cereal and dragging it out. At one time, he climbed into the drawer with the cereal and started eating it dry. I did not find this very amusing, but had to laugh, they are only this size once. Soon, however, Lexington was not in a very good mood and kept crying. He was very upset and nothing I was doing seemed to help. He wanted up in my lap, he wanted down, he wanted me on the floor then he wanted me in my chair, he wanted me to walk around with him, then he wanted to sit in my lap again. Luckily about the time we were both getting very frustrated, Ben came home. This meant I had to start working on dinner. After dinner, Lex needed a bath, then I had to get him dressed. After getting dressed, he needed his fingernails cut, and his teeth brushed. Next up was story time, then a little milk, and now he is sound asleep in his bed. Unfortunately, I had home work to do, and then decided to blog. So day of rest, lol, don't see it happening today. I have finished my homework, I have finished my blog. Now I am going to read a little and hopefully get in bed in the next 45 minutes so I can wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Where does time go?

It's been so long since I have logged in and blogged. I always mean well, although I am not sure that the whole world wants to be kept up to date with every little thing going on in my life. I feel if I can't write something extremely profound then what is the point. Yet, here I am at almost midnight on a Saturday with absolutely nothing to write about, blogging my little heart out anyway.
Can I say, one of the hardest jobs I have is being a parent?! There are no instruction booklets to tell us what we need to do. It is so hard. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I really want to talk about it, some of those who are closest to me have been kept in the loop some, but I really want to get this off my chest, but for the time being, it's all kept inside. I am ready for some answers to be revealed so that life can move forward. Once I know what track our life is going down (whether it be the same one or a new track altogether) I will have to log in and blog to keep up to date on my life. For now, I feel I am living in limbo.
As always, there is much to do, and I stay very busy. Garrett is in basketball, and I must say, he has picked it up very quickly and does well, but we have practice 3 - 5 days a week and games on Saturday mornings which take up time. I am in school working on my masters which takes time. Lexington is growing by leaps and bounds, not just with his accomplishments each day but also physically growing so he can reach more things and climb in new places which also takes up my day. I am getting ready to start on Rhea Lana and then yard sales, after which it's going to be time to look into goodwill. I am ready to start "cleaning" house and get rid of things. Unfortuntately, it just seems we have too many people living in one home. A lot of the things I don't feel I can give away or toss. I am ready to live with less, I am tired of the clutter.
Well, it's after midnight and we have church tomorrow. I am headed to bed. Good night blogspot audience. I hope you have enjoyed this issue of "a day in the life".