Procrastination

 Welcome to the world of yours truly. I am a procrastinator. I always think there will be enough time to finish a project or complete a task, then I become distracted with any number of things in front of me at the time and next thing you know, I am scrambling to complete what needs to be done minutes before it is due. 

Take for instance this evening. I have 7 hour to complete a paper. This paper was to interview 6 professionals and write a brief synopsis of each professional then review their interview questions to write several paragraphs of reflection on what I learned from these professionals. An hour ago, I had two of these six interviews complete. I have another two in process. I will have to go with four of the six and suffer the consequences for the lack of fully completing the assignment. 

As I am sitting here, attempting to put my focus on the assignment, I instead open my blog and begin to type. At the same time, I am looking around my room at all the clutter I need to remove from my life. I am also thinking about my over-run closet and my kitchen table and stacks of mail. My mind is moving from one scene to the next for things I need to do, should have already done, and at the same time, I am trying to focus on my task at hand.

I have just received my third interview. This is giving me hope. I do not think this project will take long. I just truly wish I would have paid closer attention to the requirements three weeks ago. I did not realize I needed to many outside sources to assist with this. I had read it and believed it was all for teaching and educational staff. That was my mistake for reading through it so quickly. 

Well, somehow, I managed to type out my semi completed paper in 6 hours. Actual type time was actually closer to 4 hours. 

I am still looking around at all the procrastination. All the things I keep because I am afraid to let go or move on. I need to start cutting ties with all the extra in my life. I need to be able to look at what I can pack simply and quickly. Eventually, I will move again, so what do I feel like packing and unpacking yet again. And I still have a storage building full of stuff. Why do I hold onto so much? Why can't I let go of the past? 

Rusty

Been a hot minute since I've written. It isn't that I am lacking in material. My imagination always gets the better of me; whether just my anxious spin on real life, my sleeping dreams, my waking fantasies, or just my life that reads like a lifetime movie - I have more than enough material to utilize and write. 

After my last post, my last panic episode, I went for into EMDR. Maybe there is some correlation between the therapy and my lack of words. I am attempting to bring it back; but did my words stem from the trauma? Can I only write when I am dealing with ghosts of my past that keep my screwed up in the head? Is my writing a way to release not just my imagination but also my demons? 

Seems I have a lot of possibilities to explore. 

Speaking of exploring, my life...what am I doing? I should be working on a paper which is due tomorrow, but I am caught up in everything other than school. I need to downsize, but I look around at all the clutter. This isn't who I want to be. Even if I don't downsize, I want to happily invite people into my home, not stress about what they may see if they come visit. 

There is a few new potential friendships in development. I am not sure if it will amount to anything. I do not feel I have a lot to offer anyone. I also feel I need to walk away from old toxic relationships. I have been left so many times, I find it hard to cut those ties. I have so few people in my life, even if it is toxic, I am not sure I can afford to lose anyone from my life.