things to say

She stared at the screen. She had just typed out the message and was reading it. She deleted it entirely. She typed out a new sentence, and then deleted it. The more she tried to communicate, the more frustrated she became. She knew anything she said would be seen as petty or hateful and that wasn't the intent. Maybe the bridge was better left burned.
The day had started off completely ironic and the one person she wished to share it with didn't want to hear it. She had spent months early in their relationship searching for his elusive ex of which he had spoken so underminingly. This morning while scrolling through her social media feed, the ex had appeared. It had taken her completely off guard; and yet, she couldn't help but be curious and delve into the rabbit hole and click on the profile. Curiousity killed the cat; satisfaction brought it back. A week, a month, or even 3 months ago, she wouldn't have even bothered. She would have screen shot the irony and sent it to him in a text message and laughed about it. However, his recent description of her sounded so like the description of his ex, she couldn't help but be intrigued. She almost wanted to send her a message and see if they could do coffee sometime. She wanted another perspective on this person she had thought she had known but had been so good at hiding his real thoughts and actions.
She didn't know many people who knew him. She really didn't have anything bad to say about him, but he had a lot to say about her - all negative- which is why she felt his true self had never really surfaced. If he had felt the way he described her recently, maybe he wasn't who she had thought he was.
She admired his intelligence. She admired his dedication to his family. She admired a lot about him. So why the sudden shift and the burning of the bridge? Often his words were positive; and when they were, they made her feel secure. However, there were times when he let slip negative thoughts about her and she questioned his true feelings. It reminded her a lot of one of her exs. The ex would tell her she was beautiful, hot, sexy, intelligent - then a day or two later tell her she was a fat cow, no one would look at her twice, and she was dumb as a box of rocks. The ex would put her down and then throw a bone occasionally to make her happy and want to stick around him. It is very easy to fall into that trap.
The thing she couldn't tell about him was whether he was pulling the gas lighting thing her ex pulled or if he said the hurtful things because he was lashing out during a disagreement or argument - if he was using it as a way to detach himself from her. Either way, it was hurtful and hit too close to home to a life she had left behind long ago. She hadn't been ready to walk away from him regardless, but the argument had spiraled out of control so fast, she didn't see anyway to fix it. She had been the last to speak and he had not responded. She wasn't going to dive back into the hornets nest, she was still feeling the sting days after the incident and wasn't prepared to be hurt any more; not now. The tears welled in her eyes as she saw he was online and she wanted to just say hi. She had been curious who he was now online to chat with as he claimed he didn't use social media, but only to chat with her. Any night while they had talked in the past 6 months he had been in bed at 10 pm and it was well past that time. She had noticed during the morning he had been online around 4:30 or 5 am. Again, she was curious if he just couldn't sleep, or if he had already found a new relationship - one which didn't wear him down the way he claimed she did.
She still wondered about his ex. The hour was growing late and an early morning awaited. She typed out another sentence, but fear of being snarky instead of witty caused her to delete it yet again. As she looked at the screen while she deleted it, she realized he was no longer online. She sighed and realized it was probably for the best. Most of what she wanted to say she had said a hundred times before and it never made any difference. She cared about him and she missed him. She wished they weren't at such odds but didn't know how to fix it or even if it was worth fixing. She wished to tell him about his ex just for the irony of it. She realized none of it likely mattered to him. The tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned off the screen. She rolled over, hugging her own body, and cried into her pillow, whispering "I love you."

life goes on

I am not playing the emotional victim. There are many things I just don't understand, so many contridictive comments. I wish I could understand better, but I have lost the will to continue to fight for what I once thought was worth fighting for.
I do and will continue to miss you. I trusted and really opened up for the first time in a long time. I won't say I was taken advantage, but I was a very low point. The distraction was welcome as was the companionship. However, the push for me to let down my guard, to open, to let you in; those were selfish actions on the behalf of someone who wanted to have control. Sad thing, you had it all. There were words said which I once believed to be true but now, looking back, see how hollow and hypothetical they were. I was so desperate to be loved; I sincerely believed when you claimed you were feeling the same thing which only made me fall harder.
I love you unconditionally. I would walk through fire for you. I would drive hundreds of miles if you asked. I would give my soul to rescue yours. There is not much I wouldn't do, or rather would not have done for you. I would likely wait an eternity to be yours; only you never wanted me. You chased, and I gave into the prowl. You tried to change me, but am I not fine the way I am? You wanted me to be someone different, but I am not her.
I am sad. I am a little lost. I am also finding my strength to forge ahead and release the memories. Reminds me of a song: " Tell me something that's poetic at best, make me believe there was a time that you weren't like the rest, and I'll never ask you again; for all the moments and the memories, no on could ever say we never had a history".... The memories make me want you in my life now and I don't think either of us are ready. You have my heart and I don't know that I will ever get it back. I am so tired of giving my all to people who pick and choose what pieces of themselves they are willing to give me. Do I not deserve to get all of someone when I have given all of me? I know if you read this you will think I mean all of you all the time, but that isn't it; I just want you to give me all of you in the way I have given all of me. I want you to want to spend time with me; not all your time, just time. You claim you don't have time, but then you say all you have is time.
There was a moment, longer than fleeting, when you wished to have all the moments we could spend; you wanted to hear all of my words. Now, you grow tired and bothered by the things I say. I stay busy in an attempt to not let my mind wander to you. It helps for the most part, but then...but then I stop and you are everywhere. I can't stop thinking of you; a lobotomy sounds pretty good right now.
You state I am crazy and toxic. Really? All I wanted was for you to be happy and to share some of that happiness in small moments. How is does wanting you to be happy equate to being toxic? I wish I could understand.
I have always said I believe in the fairy tale, but the fairy tale for me doesn't mean what it does to most. It means coming home to someone who sees me. It means having someone in my life who is willing to share the load; no one wants to do all the work, but when you work together - life is a little easier. The fairy tale is having someone look at me the way they did when we first kissed; with passion and desire. The fairy tale doesn't mean never arguing, but it means taking time to work through those arguments so you don't go to bed upset with one another. It doesn't mean agreeing on everything, it means agreeing to disagree. It means having a partner you tell everything; and who tells you everything; who when you have a bad day doesn't want to always show you the sunny side but will give you a hug and snuggle in a chair or the couch and tell you they are there. Or on those really bad days when life just doesn't seem worth living, will show up and listen; not find excuses why they can't be there.
There is a lot I will miss. I will continue to cry. Eventually the pain will become an old hat; life goes on; and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will never forget. The pain won't go away. I won't heal. I will just learn to live with it as I have most things. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier.