There are some days in your life you never forget. You may never be able to remember the exact date of some, but the memory is forever imprinted, along with the feelings or lack there of when it happened.
Moments, when they happen make an impact, stay that way for far longer than the moment itself. Such moments or days include the first day of kindergarten, high school graduation, a first kiss, a last kiss, losing your virginity, moving into your first house, burying a loved one, getting married, birthing a child, scoring the winning touchdown, or the day you started a new job.
I will never remember the exact day that I walked through the doors of my elementary school. I had probably done it so many times before as my older brother was already a student. I will never forget getting caught by other classmates kissing a boy under the teachers desk in kindergarten. I will never forget getting sick during naptime of that same year. I will also never forget the taunts of my fellow classmates who seemed to enjoy nothing more than picking on me because I was smaller and I didn't dress like them.
I have a memory from my earliest childhood days of my dad's friend giving me a drink of his beer before I was able to walk. I remember vividly the day my baby sitter broke my arm. I remember trying to learn to feed myself again as I was right handed and she broke my right arm. I remember the ride home from the airport in the back of my uncles truck the day my dad sent me to live with my mom. I remember the day I almost watched my mom die before my eyes. Or the day we almost slid into a solid rock embankment on the way to court. I remember the day I met one of the gentlest souls I will ever know. I remember each of the meetings with the people who were to become my oldest and closest friends, especially those I met before I turned 20. I will always remember the day I landed my butt in the emergency room for dislocating my knee cap.
My list continues. On and on, the list goes. There are so many memories crowding my frail human brain, I often fret over losing them.
There are the memories I would long to forget, even if they made me who I am, the scars and pain would do nice to be forgotten.
Then there are the memories that leave not huge emotional impression other than a sigh of relief. Or times when I felt nothing and wonder to this day, have I ever truly dealt with the pain or the emotional backlash of it all. I remember the day I learned my grandfather had passed. As a grandpa's girl, I should have been distraught, but instead, I felt nothing. I felt nothing as we buried his ashes. I was slighly more emotional at the memorial service for my grandmother but I was also pregnant with my second child, and pregnancy hormones can cause odd effects. I remember being more upset when I almost lost him that same day being only 6 weeks pregnant.
There are other memories, that I wonder if in time I will feel the same way, yet now, I wish to never lose them. I wish to not forget the first time I saw you. I wish to not forget watching you without you knowing. I never wish to forget our first kiss, or the almost clumsy, nervous why you tried to hold my hand. I don't want to forget nights spent riding in the cab of your truck.
It amazes me as I look back on my life, I remember the bad things that happened and shaped me into who I am today. I remember being told often that I was fat, ugly, annoying, and so on. I am humble because of this. I am not beautiful on the outside, but I try to be on the inside. Why are kids so mean? Why does jealousy cause such hateful actions? I remember the scary memories of a protector causing pain, or almost seeing a loved one die, or almost dying myself. I remember the loss of loved ones from natural causes. I remember the loss of loved ones from tragic accidents. Yet, with all the sad memories, all the hurtful memories, all the "bad"memories, I remember more of the happy. I remember more of the memories that make me laugh. I remember the good in life. I do this so as to not be completely held down by the weight of the world. I am complex. I often feel less than adequate. I often feel as if I am just plain NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Too often, I was told such. I have to fight a battle with myself each day to put one foot in front of the other and hold my head up as I move through life. It is often hard, but at somepoint, it has to be worth it.
Maybe, just maybe, somehow, you make it worth it. I may not say it for fear. I hope I don't have to one day remember a good time with you. I hope that there are so many that I will not struggle, because each day will hold a good memory. I hope that there won't come a time when you are just a memory.
Do I remember our first kiss? Yes, I remember. And I doubt I shall ever forget. If I do, I hope you are there to remind me.
