Jan 7, 2009
first love
Current mood:
touched
She was not of the beauty that most people dream they will be; she had dark hair and dark blue eyes, high check bones, semi full lips, a slender, athletic figure, and extremely short in height. She was not one to turn heads when she went places and most of the guys in school saw her as the "friend".
Yet at 15, she had found the love of her life. That love that still makes her search for him when she is out shopping or driving though towns that he once lived. He was her match, and in one brief moment, she tossed him aside, breaking not only his heart, but shattering her own into a million pieces.
They had been 14 when they met. He as tall, dark hair, dark eyes, and beautiful olive skin. She had been awkward, having developed the way a young woman does years before any other girl in her class, and because of that she had been made extremely aware of a figure she would then try to hide for years to come. She had grown up as "one of the boys" making it hard to know what to do when you found the person you wanted to get to know in a romantic sense. As a matter of fact, they had been brought together by a sleepover at a friends house, a friend that had been like a brother to her.
From that first night they had been inseparable. He was the 'bad boy'. Always into some sort of trouble, always seemed to have a cigarette dangling from his lip. She was the ultimate good girl, top of the class, always in good with teachers, friends parents, never even so much as back talked. Instantly there was a chemistry that was so strong neither could deny it.
She made him want to be a better person, and while they were together, he was. He stayed out of trouble, he took harder classes, he tried to excel so they could go to college together, knowing she would never settle for anything less than continuing her education so she could get out of the small town where they lived. He could be as fierce as a lion, but was nothing more than a tame little kitten with her. His hands were so soft when he touched the skin of her face, his embrace so protective when he held her yet cradling as if she were breakable. His lips and eyes spoke of a love that was so pure and true, it would never be felt again.
Yes, they were meant for each other. The completed the best and worst of each other. The yin and the yang, brought together for a moment in time that was such beauty.
She had a moment of weakness while he was not with her. She felt that she had betrayed the sweet, innocent pure love that existed between them. For that, she let him go, believing that one day, however far away it might be, that fate would deliver him back to her. She felt the excruciating pain that she put him through every time she saw him in the halls, and cried every day for more than a month because of that pain and her own. Her heart never completely healed from that pain. How could she have been so ignorant to throw away the best love of her life?
After she started to heal, she never really let anyone else in. She could never let anyone have her heart they way she had given it to him. For the first few years after him, she even used most of the boys that came in and out of her life. It wasn't fair to them, but she couldn't help it. She kept up a wall that never fully came down. She just could not bear the thought of ever possibly feeling that pain again one day.
First love is beautiful. Some are lucky enough to never have to let it go. Some people walk away peacefully, knowing that the time has come for them to go their separate ways, others however, have their heart shattered and never recover from that pain. They try to move on, they try to let others in, but they never seem to fully trust themselves enough to let it go, for fear, they will just hurt again, maybe even worse the next time.
Jan 27, 2009
A taste of fiction
Current mood:
artistic
She was scared and alone. It was cold outside, and she slunk down further under the covers, and hid her head. There was a rumble as the train rode through town, but being so alone, the sound startled her, until finally she recognized the common sound that she would normally love during the day. Lights flashed in the window, and she held her breath, but the lights continued down the road. She released her breath and tried to calm her agitated nerves. Get a hold of yourself was the only thing she could think. Why was she so on edge?
She had definitely been left home alone before. And on much worse night than tonight. Maybe that's what set her nerves on edge. She could handle the alone when the storms thundered outside her window. Then she could barely keep her eyes open. Maybe something about the pounding rain on the windows and the deafening thunder hid all the other sounds that she could now hear on this peaceful night. She did miss the warm arms around her, that would normally hold her on nights like this until her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep.
It was normally after she drifted off to sleep that he would release himself from her light grip on his arms and softly, gently remove himself from her bed. He'd move out to the living room where he would put on his shoes and jacket and locking her safely in, would let him self out her front door and into the late night chilled air. He would then slip behind the wheel of his big pick up and allow the truck to warm up, already missing the smell of her hair and the warmth of her breath against his arms.
It was those nights that she slept peacefully and completely. She would sleep all night, not waking until after morning light feeling fully rested. Not too long after she would wake, he would come back by, with the normal morning coffee, and they would sit on the couch before he had to slip away again to go to work. And she would go about her day. Yes, those nights and those mornings were the most peaceful for her, the way things should be, if they could not be together all the time, she would settle for those nights. But the nights like tonight, no, these were the nights she hated. It was too quiet, and too cold. There was no warmth in her hair from his breath. There was not security in his arms. She felt cold and exposed and alone. Mostly she felt alone. And that scared her above all else. She had always welcomed the alone time she had. She loved being by herself. Now the fact that she didn't like to be alone, that scared her.
She has started to feel like part of a whole, instead of just whole. What happened when that part wasn't around? Now she felt missing. Something was off, not quite right. She missed the way she felt before when she didn't feel the need to rely on his company, to only feel whole when he was there. What would she do if he never came back? Would she ever be able to sleep normally again? Calm down you fool she thought to herself again. She had to get her emotions in check. He was a friend, nothing more. That was it. She was whole by herself, wasn't she? Had she really been so foolish as to fall for this guy? She hadn't made any promises. She hadn't given him her heart, had she? No, that would have been way too foolish. Yet, she felt some part of her was missing when he wasn't there. So what was this?
11:13 PM
Dark Waters
Current mood:
gloomy
The water was black and cold and crushed in on every side of her. She came up and gasped, the cold night air stinging her lungs. And then she went back under. She kept trying to tread water but the harder she tried the more tired she became and couldn't seem to keep herself afloat. Her lungs were hurting and she kept drinking more of the cold dark water than she was breathing cold fresh air. What happened when the water over took her? What would happen to her?
As she grew colder and more tired her mind started to flash back to so many different places and times. To when she was child and spent summers with her dad. The pictures flashed before her like a slide show of her life. Times spent at the beach while her dad buried her in the sand and then next while he took his turn in the sand. She saw images of riding the roller coasters at their favorite amusement park, and her begging to be let off. She saw the images from when she first learned to drive in the big open field behind her uncles house.
Later she saw the images from her first love, the bear he bought her for valentines day when they were only 14, the roses he brought to school for her and the ever romantic candle light steak dinner he cooked for her, and then the images of them dancing in his mothers kitchen to some sappy country song on the radio while the candles still burned.
Next flashed the pictures of parties she had attended. A constant show of friends that she had run around with. Then came images from first days of school in high school. There were pictures from graduation, prom. It was all there, just one long continuing movie.
She came back up and was able to break surface again. Gulping in fresh air and another mouthful of water at the same time. The air burned and refreshed at the same time. She thought this time when she had come out of the water she had seen lights but she couldn't be certain. Again she came back up but the water quickly drug her back under but not before she was able to spit out the mouthful of water and drag in one more big breath.
The pictures seemed to blur together now as the flashed past. Suddenly there were pictures of the next love of her life. Dark nights out riding back roads. Trips to the liquor store. Scenes of peeing on a dark country road and hitting deer at 2 am. There were scenes of the look in his eyes as he told her he thought his destiny lied with her. Pictures flashed by of snowball fights in the backyard, nights sitting on the hood of his pickup watching the stars in 20 degree weather, and then a flash of a wonderful night spent sitting by the lake watching fireworks.
The images raced by. She then saw images of her life without him. Life in a new town with new friends. She watched the images from her graduation. Images from her wedding. Images of new homes, and new places.
She came up again, but this time not on her own. By this time she had given up. Her life was over she was sure. But then someone had their arms around her and was pulling her up out of the water. When she surfaced, she started choking and coughing, the lights were blinding in the dark night. The cold was unbearable, like a thousand tiny daggers against her skin. She was not sure who had her or even where she was. All she knew was that the slide show had stopped. The pictures that were moments ago so fresh in her mind were now fading quickly. She shivered violently. The cold was to the bone, and it hurt in places that couldn't be described. All of a sudden a warm blanket found it's way around her and on the surface she started to warm. But now the fight that she had put up in the water was starting to take it's toll on her. And she quietly allowed her eyes to close, but as they did and she started to allow herself to succumb to the sleep that wanted to take over, she swore that man from the hood of the pickup truck had leaned over to kiss her lips lightly and whisper in her ear that he was there, forever now, and would never let her slip again.
