I turned into the drive and noticed not a light was on inside the house. He had called me and asked me to come; so why did it look like no one was home?
The call had come as a shock to the system. Almost equal parts excitement and ice water dumped over ones head from behind. I had missed his voice and his company. He had dropped off the radar and I had grown frustrated with continuing to make myself a blip on his. I only wanted to be as important to him as he was to me. Meeting him tonight was probably a bad idea, but I wanted to see him face to face. I needed to know if the magic was still there or had he somehow lost his control over me. I also needed to know why I wasn't good enough; why had he left me. My heart still ached and the possibility of his words healing those still open wounds was enough to make me tempt fate and undo all the healing which I had completed.
Biting my lip nervously at the sight of the darkened house, I put my car into park and turned off the engine. I picked up my phone and sent a quick text. I then opened the door and exited the vehicle. It was nerve racking walking up the pitch black sidewalk. How many times had he hid in the bushes to jump out and scare me? Then, the lights had even been turned on yet the shadows always allowed for hiding spots. I waited for the jump and yet it never came.
As I reached the stoop, the door opened and he stepped out onto the front step. My breath caught a little, I had forgotten how attractive he was. He did not smile, but he didn't look upset. Although he was as attractive as ever to me, he looked older and worn down, the spark in his eye and the bounce in his step was missing. He almost looked lifeless. I instantly worried more, not as I had originally that this meeting would include words I didn't want to hear or would be a set-up; I worried for him.
He tried to fake a smile and said a quick hello. He didn't move to let me in the house; instead he moved to sit on the step. While on a typical night with the lights out, I could see a million stars from that stoop; tonight, the cloud cover blocked them all and made it even more eerie.
He started with, "hey." Then followed with a "What's new?"
I just stared for a moment weighing my options to decide my next move. I opted to share the stoop with him. I could almost feel the electricity from his body as a sat beside him. As aware as I always was of the connection, I had always wondered if he felt it too, or was it just me. My answer was there, in the nervousness, the electricity, & the attraction - the magic was still there, he still held me spellbound.
"Not sure. Why don't you tell me?"
He sighed heavily and looked up to the sky, for what reason, I couldn't tell, unless possibly saying a quick silent prayer for strength.
He then did the quick lean into me move, where he somewhat pushes me but not hard then quickly returns to his side of the invisible line between us; the line both of us fear crossing. The fact he always kept the line makes me believe he could feel the electricity but wished to deny so. At this point, I wanted nothing more than to be in between his legs similar to sitting in his lap with his arms around me. I had been falling apart for months and his presence made if feel like all the pieces of the puzzle that is me were finally fitting back together. I hated he had that effect on me.
I made the bold move and reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his, and giving his hand a squeeze. I did not care who saw us as the gesture was one of friendship but more so because it could be the last time we would be close enough for physical touch. I also wanted to reassure him I was there to provide comfort and strength and not judge. Deep down, once I quit lying to myself and the world, I knew I loved this man; I had unwillingly given him my heart years before now, followed by verbally and figuratively giving him my heart. He turned it all down and I was left knowing I would never be what he wanted; I would never be good enough. I played off the fact I had done anything and that he now possessed my heart. Who would want someone who turned them down to know they had such control and hold over them? Definitely not me.
I controlled my shock as he held my hand a little tighter rather than dropping it like a hot potato. He squeezed a little and leaned a little closer to me. I was working hard to still the beating of my heart, to keep him from hearing it or feeling it in my hand and wrist.
"I don't know where to start," he stated, barely above a whisper. "I just needed company. I didn't want to be alone."
I looked at him and his dark eyes bore into my soul. I couldn't help it. I had talked myself into holding my restraint, but it dissolved. I took the bold move, one of the boldest moves I could make. I crossed our imaginary line and reaching for the back of his head with my free hand, I pulled him to me and kissed him. I kissed him with anger, fury, love, kindness, hurt, frustration; I kissed him with every inch of my being and all the pent up emotions I had. This was likely to be the last time we would see each other and I wanted him to feel what I felt and understand. I also wanted to understand him. I thought I had all the surprises already in one night, but again my breath was taken from me when he kissed me back with just as much fury and desire. Was it just chemical hormones - a man gets kissed by the opposite sex and he can't help but respond, human nature and all? Or was it more, was it true emotion and a sincere attraction; sincere feelings which drove his response? The unknowing and his inability or rather his refusal to admit one way or the other helped drive the wedge between us from the beginning. All I needed was the verbal confirmation and he always made it sound more like I was a kid sister who needed to be looked over rather than an equal he genuinely loved the way I loved him. As the kiss broke, he again sighed heavily and placed his forehead on mine with his eyes closed, like he was trying to remember the moment forever. I could be wrong, he could have been trying to block if from his mind.
I sat there, afraid to move and break the magic. His forehead on mine, our hands intertwined, each others hand at the back of the others head, still sitting on the stoop. I etched the moment in my mind, sure it would be the last night.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Small tiny boxes
Each and everyday, subconsciously, I find myself thinking of you. Each time I find myself in those thoughts, I have to consciously take those thoughts and place them in a box. I make the effort to make that box infinitely smaller and place it in a small dark corner of my brain to be left alone and with any luck eventually forgotten forever. However, my subconscious seems much like a dog with a bone and it drags the small box back into the light of my memories and yet again I am thinking of you.
The memories are hard on me. Often times, they leave me with tears in my eyes and feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me. They are very bittersweet. They are warm and comforting and yet leave me cold and lonely. They leave me feeling unable to be loved.
There was something once so comforting about you. You once made me feel so loved. You would do such sweet simple things, gestures, like open a door for me or hold my hand. More than all of that, the look in your eyes when our eyes met always made me feel like you saw me. Then one day, one day you woke up and you looked right through me. You soon told me, you didn't want me anymore. I guess the newness, the shiny, the novelty of me wore off and you grew bored and almost contemptuous. I guess my presence kept other interest from approaching you and therefore, you wished me gone from your life, mostly. Sure, you still enjoyed having me in the background. I was good for your ego. I made you feel wanted, for you were, and I did; I wanted you. Your indifference to me left me feeling hurt and forgettable. If a person is so forgettable, then were they ever really loved? No. Then you didn't love me, even when I told you to leave me alone if you couldn't offer me your heart. You once looked at me like you loved me, but I suppose lust looks similar and once again I mistook it for real feeling. The day you told me you didn't want me was the day my chest was left hollow feeling. I can still feel the sting of the tears in my eyes. The sun was shining much to bright and the weather was perfect; but I wasn't wanted, or needed, or loved. I was cast away like an empty coke bottle. Since then, I prefer the rainy, overcast, foggy days. I wake each morning still thinking of you. When I do, I put you in that box, and shrink it. I think about you consistently during the day, and each time, in the box you go and I try to make it as small as I can. You were once large than life. You once made me feel so perfect. You then ripped that rug of feeling wanted out from under me and left me feeling empty, cold, and undesirable. So while you are still so much to me, I still try to hard each day to make you mean a little less. I do so in hopes that one day you will no longer mean anything to me and will no longer have the power to make me feel unlovable.
The memories are hard on me. Often times, they leave me with tears in my eyes and feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me. They are very bittersweet. They are warm and comforting and yet leave me cold and lonely. They leave me feeling unable to be loved.
There was something once so comforting about you. You once made me feel so loved. You would do such sweet simple things, gestures, like open a door for me or hold my hand. More than all of that, the look in your eyes when our eyes met always made me feel like you saw me. Then one day, one day you woke up and you looked right through me. You soon told me, you didn't want me anymore. I guess the newness, the shiny, the novelty of me wore off and you grew bored and almost contemptuous. I guess my presence kept other interest from approaching you and therefore, you wished me gone from your life, mostly. Sure, you still enjoyed having me in the background. I was good for your ego. I made you feel wanted, for you were, and I did; I wanted you. Your indifference to me left me feeling hurt and forgettable. If a person is so forgettable, then were they ever really loved? No. Then you didn't love me, even when I told you to leave me alone if you couldn't offer me your heart. You once looked at me like you loved me, but I suppose lust looks similar and once again I mistook it for real feeling. The day you told me you didn't want me was the day my chest was left hollow feeling. I can still feel the sting of the tears in my eyes. The sun was shining much to bright and the weather was perfect; but I wasn't wanted, or needed, or loved. I was cast away like an empty coke bottle. Since then, I prefer the rainy, overcast, foggy days. I wake each morning still thinking of you. When I do, I put you in that box, and shrink it. I think about you consistently during the day, and each time, in the box you go and I try to make it as small as I can. You were once large than life. You once made me feel so perfect. You then ripped that rug of feeling wanted out from under me and left me feeling empty, cold, and undesirable. So while you are still so much to me, I still try to hard each day to make you mean a little less. I do so in hopes that one day you will no longer mean anything to me and will no longer have the power to make me feel unlovable.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Me - Again
Dear you,
I am sincerely, deeply hurt by your recent accusations. I am not sure how you can honestly believe the hateful word vomit which spewed from you stating I am jealous of your potential success. You know deep down, as I know you know, I have always been your biggest cheerleader and have had nothing but faith in you and your ability to move mountains. I have always wished you the best and wanted nothing more than to see you succeed as that is what you wish for those who you care about and love.
You, however, sincerely hurt me even further when you told me one thing and then turn around to hurtfully throw in my face a whole other complete truth. Therefore, both scenarios cannot be true and one must be a lie. It is therefore deducted reasonably, you LIED to me. It was at the time when this became apparent that I began to withdraw from you. During this time of withdrawing, I did wait to see how long it would take before you realized exactly how bad you had hurt me. I waited to see how long it would take for you to reach out to me. During that time, I turned to prayer. I prayed to be strong. I prayed to be steadfast in my reasoning and experiment so to say. I also prayed seeking which road I should travel. I prayed and I was given an answer. It was not the answer I wanted, but it was an answer.
You did eventually reach out to me. I attempted to explain how hurt I was, and all you could do was explain how you were justified in your actions. You could seek no empathy in my feelings or even acknowledge that I had them and had the right to feel how I feel. No one person has a right to tell another person that the emotions they feel are wrong, so why do you think you can? Are you more powerful and knowing than God? I am not being snarky but sincerely would like to know why you think everyone should empathize with you and yet you do not empathize with others.
Somehow, even though I was still amazed by your lack of ability to recognize how I felt and why I may feel as I did, we did skip past some of the issues which had torn large sections in the fabric of our relationship. Skipping the issues rather than mending them was a mistake, for the fabric was still torn and still very weak.
During my prayers and the answers I received while I was hurting, it had become apparent nothing I did, no matter how hard I tried, would ever make you happy. You would always find fault in me. You would put me down, you would criticize who I am, you would find reasons to be irritated. Nothing I did, no matter how much I changed to fit your mold, I would never be good enough. The answer became apparent to me; I had to make me happy first. I had changed for a man before you; a man who now I believe you are so much similiar to, it makes me sincerely sad. I will not change who I am for another person any longer.
This inability of you to be able to put me in the box you want to keep me in, I feel that was another rip in the fabric of what was once our relationship. In doing what makes me happy, I had to stay true to who I am, and I am a giver. I love to do for other people. I love to see people smile. I did the unimaginable, I gave things to others; I gave things to you, and that angered you. I do not feel it was the actual giving of the things that angered you so much. I sincerely believe it was the inability to control me giving those things which angered you the most. Then you accused me of being unhappy for your possible future success. No, I am sorry, honey, you are completely wrong.
I am unhappy about your lying to me. I am unhappy about your accusations of me only to find you doing the same thing you accuse me of doing. I am unhappy of your wishing to control me. I am even more unhappy about the way you decided to end our friendship and our relationship, in the manner of a coward; by making so many false accusations it is almost comical.
You had a very good thing. I am not sure you realize how good your life was. You had people who would have stood by you through all the good and the bad. You have since decided to cut ties with me, and honestly, after finishing my little "Santa" task the other night, I am ok and my heart and mind; my sould are light and unburdened by your choice. It is simply a new chapter in my book of life and lesson learned, thank you for that lesson. One of those other people who stand by you; I believe after discussions over the months that relationship is wearing thin as well and I hope you will take the time to mend it. You had so many good things; even in your darkest hours, those good things were there for you and yet you push them away, take advantage, and assume they will continue to be there anyway.
Please don't be a fool. I said it before and I will say it again. I am not sure if you have a very low emotional quota. If not, you enjoy the games, and growing up with your mother, I am sure you have learned to play them well. Which if that is the case, which are you then: a narcissist or a sociopath?
You keep telling me I am the one with a volitile personality. I have asked those who have known me very intimately for months and years; 20 + year relationships do not allow for a lot to be hidden - I am assured I do not fluctuate personalities the way you claim I do. You also told me how hostile your relationships were when we met, and yet, looking back, that is so far from the truth; why lie? Maybe it was hostile with your previous relationship; but then again, maybe you just tell everyone that so you have a valid excuse to look like the good guy.
I would have stood by you through it all. You were right, I am loyal to a fault. Well, at least I am loyal until I realize I have been played. Damn, you played me well. That hurts like hell. But, I continue to turn to God and prayer. I have placed my burden at His feet and requested He take my pain and He has. Even more sad, like it is preached, I would likely turn the other cheek if you were to step foot back in my life. I would give you that one more chance, because I am trusting and caring and loyal.
So, Dear You, the point of this letter - to explain how you have hurt me. To explain, so maybe you will wake up before it is too late if you aren't playing games on purpose, how you are hurting those who are close, who care, and who only want the best for you. You have so much potential. I only hope you aren' t purposely being this way to play games but because for some reason deep down you are hurt and confused. Wake up, love those you have, and quit pushing people away. And know, even if I can't get past this hurt, that I still love you unconditionally. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you all of the tomorrows. You had my heart, but for now, I locked it away safe, but I still love you and want you to succeed and to know love, real love, unconditional love.
I am sincerely, deeply hurt by your recent accusations. I am not sure how you can honestly believe the hateful word vomit which spewed from you stating I am jealous of your potential success. You know deep down, as I know you know, I have always been your biggest cheerleader and have had nothing but faith in you and your ability to move mountains. I have always wished you the best and wanted nothing more than to see you succeed as that is what you wish for those who you care about and love.
You, however, sincerely hurt me even further when you told me one thing and then turn around to hurtfully throw in my face a whole other complete truth. Therefore, both scenarios cannot be true and one must be a lie. It is therefore deducted reasonably, you LIED to me. It was at the time when this became apparent that I began to withdraw from you. During this time of withdrawing, I did wait to see how long it would take before you realized exactly how bad you had hurt me. I waited to see how long it would take for you to reach out to me. During that time, I turned to prayer. I prayed to be strong. I prayed to be steadfast in my reasoning and experiment so to say. I also prayed seeking which road I should travel. I prayed and I was given an answer. It was not the answer I wanted, but it was an answer.
You did eventually reach out to me. I attempted to explain how hurt I was, and all you could do was explain how you were justified in your actions. You could seek no empathy in my feelings or even acknowledge that I had them and had the right to feel how I feel. No one person has a right to tell another person that the emotions they feel are wrong, so why do you think you can? Are you more powerful and knowing than God? I am not being snarky but sincerely would like to know why you think everyone should empathize with you and yet you do not empathize with others.
Somehow, even though I was still amazed by your lack of ability to recognize how I felt and why I may feel as I did, we did skip past some of the issues which had torn large sections in the fabric of our relationship. Skipping the issues rather than mending them was a mistake, for the fabric was still torn and still very weak.
During my prayers and the answers I received while I was hurting, it had become apparent nothing I did, no matter how hard I tried, would ever make you happy. You would always find fault in me. You would put me down, you would criticize who I am, you would find reasons to be irritated. Nothing I did, no matter how much I changed to fit your mold, I would never be good enough. The answer became apparent to me; I had to make me happy first. I had changed for a man before you; a man who now I believe you are so much similiar to, it makes me sincerely sad. I will not change who I am for another person any longer.
This inability of you to be able to put me in the box you want to keep me in, I feel that was another rip in the fabric of what was once our relationship. In doing what makes me happy, I had to stay true to who I am, and I am a giver. I love to do for other people. I love to see people smile. I did the unimaginable, I gave things to others; I gave things to you, and that angered you. I do not feel it was the actual giving of the things that angered you so much. I sincerely believe it was the inability to control me giving those things which angered you the most. Then you accused me of being unhappy for your possible future success. No, I am sorry, honey, you are completely wrong.
I am unhappy about your lying to me. I am unhappy about your accusations of me only to find you doing the same thing you accuse me of doing. I am unhappy of your wishing to control me. I am even more unhappy about the way you decided to end our friendship and our relationship, in the manner of a coward; by making so many false accusations it is almost comical.
You had a very good thing. I am not sure you realize how good your life was. You had people who would have stood by you through all the good and the bad. You have since decided to cut ties with me, and honestly, after finishing my little "Santa" task the other night, I am ok and my heart and mind; my sould are light and unburdened by your choice. It is simply a new chapter in my book of life and lesson learned, thank you for that lesson. One of those other people who stand by you; I believe after discussions over the months that relationship is wearing thin as well and I hope you will take the time to mend it. You had so many good things; even in your darkest hours, those good things were there for you and yet you push them away, take advantage, and assume they will continue to be there anyway.
Please don't be a fool. I said it before and I will say it again. I am not sure if you have a very low emotional quota. If not, you enjoy the games, and growing up with your mother, I am sure you have learned to play them well. Which if that is the case, which are you then: a narcissist or a sociopath?
You keep telling me I am the one with a volitile personality. I have asked those who have known me very intimately for months and years; 20 + year relationships do not allow for a lot to be hidden - I am assured I do not fluctuate personalities the way you claim I do. You also told me how hostile your relationships were when we met, and yet, looking back, that is so far from the truth; why lie? Maybe it was hostile with your previous relationship; but then again, maybe you just tell everyone that so you have a valid excuse to look like the good guy.
I would have stood by you through it all. You were right, I am loyal to a fault. Well, at least I am loyal until I realize I have been played. Damn, you played me well. That hurts like hell. But, I continue to turn to God and prayer. I have placed my burden at His feet and requested He take my pain and He has. Even more sad, like it is preached, I would likely turn the other cheek if you were to step foot back in my life. I would give you that one more chance, because I am trusting and caring and loyal.
So, Dear You, the point of this letter - to explain how you have hurt me. To explain, so maybe you will wake up before it is too late if you aren't playing games on purpose, how you are hurting those who are close, who care, and who only want the best for you. You have so much potential. I only hope you aren' t purposely being this way to play games but because for some reason deep down you are hurt and confused. Wake up, love those you have, and quit pushing people away. And know, even if I can't get past this hurt, that I still love you unconditionally. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you all of the tomorrows. You had my heart, but for now, I locked it away safe, but I still love you and want you to succeed and to know love, real love, unconditional love.
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