I miss you. Three little words that speak such large volumes. I will say it again. I miss you. I think about you more than I want to admit. Little instances throughout the day bring back memories of you, your face, your smile, your eyes; the list continues. I miss your humor. I miss your hugs. I miss the way you drive me nuts both good and bad. I miss the way you make me smile. I miss how you encourage me. I miss how you can make me feel beautiful. I miss how you can make me feel like I am not invisible.
Yet, you are gone. You left. You don't look back. I am still here, without you. When I take the time to think about this, it hurts. I often try to avoid the facts and remember only the good. I remember happy days. I remember the warmth of your arms. I wonder if my missing you and remembering is why I see you everywhere, or if my seeing you everywhere is why I remember and miss you so much.
I lay down at night, rest my head on my pillow, and close my eyes. My day has been exhausting. I am both mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I do not toss and turn and beg for sleep to find me; rather, I am asleep in a matter of seconds. I drift off to what I would otherwise think would be a deep, restful sleep; heavy and dreamless. I am wrong. Somewhere in my cycle of rem, my thoughts still center around you. You are there in my dreams.
Every dream is a little different. There are differences in the clothing we wear. There are differences in the locations. There are differences in the people around us. There are differences in the weather. The constants in my dreams center around you and me, our needs, and our feelings.
Often she is with you as he is with me in my dreams. Somehow, we are two halves of three wholes. You and her are one whole, he and I another whole, yet the true whole is you and I. Somehow in these magically places behind my closed eyes, although we are with them knowing better, we sneak off. You can't keep your hands off me. Your arms will find their way around my waist. Your hand will soon find itself enclosed over mine. You love to have me straddling your lap. The best part of these dreams is the feel of your lips on my lips, the taste of your kiss, and the feel of your lips on my neck. At one time, you loved the way I smelled and in my dreams, you still take the time to run your nose across my skin to smell the sweetness of it.
My dreams are centered around the connection that somehow existed between us. There is always passion and desire, yet boundaries are never really crossed. These dreams are better than the reality I currently live. I would love to stay in that alternate universe for eternity. I often wonder when I wake and reflect on these bittersweet dreams if you too ever dream of me the same way. I like to pretend that somehow we each experience the same dream in a way allowing us to interact through these dreams. I know this is not likely.
I am not allowed to stay in the land that I have created behind my closed eyes. I am forced to awaken day after day to a reality much colder than the warmth of your arms in my dreams. I live a reality of half truths, cold relationships, and a constant ache for a reality I am certain that I will never know. I awaken to missing you even more after my night time dreamland rendevous with you. I awaken to thinking of you more than I normally do. I miss you, I miss the me that I am when you are around to brighten me. At the same time, I despise myself to missing and thinking of you so often.
I wish you well wherever you may be at this moment. I wish you the happiness and warmth I am missing in my life. I wish you all the best life has to offer.
At sometime our paths will cross more meaningfully; sometime all that was needed will be said, all that is wanted will be put in the open, and all those wants will be soothed. Sometime, somewhere, some way, there will be a reason for you walking into my life to make it brighter only to walk out and leave it not only darker, but me more aware of that darkness. Eventually, there will either be a true beginning or a true end and the closure that comes with either of those. One day.....until then, I have my life behind closed eyes.
