She sat on the bed the way small children sit on the floor. She had pulled her knees to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, with her forehead resting atop her knees and her hands in her hair at the side of her head. Her tears fell, feeling like a warm summer shower down her face and onto her legs. She had not yet started sobbing. She was attempting to phyiscally hold herself together to keep from breaking apart the way her heart was. The empty hollow feeling her broken heart left in her chest made it hard for her to breathe, let alone sob. All her thoughts surrounded him, their time together, and her heart which was now with him. How could she have been so careless? How could she have been such a fool to trust?
In the beginning it had been light, fun, and careless. She would almost say simple but it was anything but simple then. He started conversations and sought her company. In his mind, he was chasing her; never knowing it was secretly what she wanted. He was everything she had found attractive in her youth; tall, dark hair, dark eyes, full lips, lean, athletic body. For some reason, he found her intriguing. Of course she realized looking back to the start, she was a mystery for him as she was too most. She kept her emotions closed off from others and spent little time smiling as there were little reason for her to smile then.She was honest and blunt in her words, so much so she had stepped on his feelings a time or two never meaning to do so. They would spend hours talking, late nights driving with no destination in mind.
She recalled the first awkward kiss, with a center console between them. She remembered the taste of his minty gum he always had in his mouth. She could almost feel his hands in her hair in place of her own. The tears fell a little harder and her eyes began to swell from the constant crying as she recalled the way he would pull her from him just so he could stare into her eyes. He would tell her she was amazing, or beautiful. He would say those words no one had ever told her prior; the words she had hoped so long to hear from someone sincere. In those moments, she had believed he was completely sincere. Those were the early days, when it was light and happy, and overly complicated. She kept her walls firmly in place so she wouldn't fall too hard or too fast; only he pushed and begged her to let them down. He would claim he could not be close with someone who kept others at arms length; never taking the time to truly understand why she did so.
The joke was on her, he would never allow himself to get close to her, walls in tact or not. She felt the sobs begin to shake her body as she could no longer hold them back. She felt the headache that felt so much like a hangover from the constant tears and dehydration. She had not been able to eat more than a few bites for days. She was holding strong to the caffiene and nicotine diet. Those around her chastised her but she could care less; they would never understand how bad the pain of it all hurt. How she had given herself to someone so completely for the first time in a decade only to be made the fool.
She had learned for a short while to smile while with him. Her body, her heart, her mind, her soul; it all opened up, blossoming like a flower on a dew dripped sunny spring morning. He became a harbor in her storm. His presense calmed her. His voice, his touch, his gaze; they all made her feel at peace. His being calmed her mosters. She craved time with him the way addicts crave their next hit or their next drink. He was her drug.
Soon, he used his leverage to cause her to feel like she was less of a person. He would hold things over her head, tease her with things like a carrot dangled by a string before a hungry rabbit. She would jump and do all tricks, but he would never give the prize: his time. She wasn't worth it to him anymore. She became a mystery; a hunt - once he was done; she was cast aside like all the others who had come before her.
She now started rocking on the bed. She tried to calm the painful empty feeling in her heart as it had left her and now resided with him. Only, joke on her again, he didn't want it. He didn't want her. He had used it as he had wanted and was done.
She would slowly pick the pieces of herself back up from where she had fallen apart on the bed. Eventually she would be where she was before him, smile-less; stoic; closed off - she need only get past the pain and the tears which refused to stay in her eyes and continually trickled down her face. Once she put herself back together, she had only another lesson to learn from - she was better off alone. She had known this from prior experience. She had tried to not wind up like her mother, bitter and skeptical. She now faced the truth: jaded was who she was and it was now only worse than it had been before him.
She cried even harder knowing if he would change his stance and give her any of his time once again, she would run back to him. She was his. She needed to cut the ties with herself. She had given him all of her, but he had taken the best part. Now it was time for her to cut herself off from that good part, the happy version of herself who loved and gave selflessly. She would only be a mere shell of herself going forward, but with any luck, she would not feel anything anymore. The pain was just too much.
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