Heartbreak

She lay in bed, curled in a ball, her head on the pillow. The tears quietly slid down her checks and she tried hard to wipe them away without making noise. She stiffled her sobs into the pillow. Her heart was broken.
She had always known the danger of loving someone again meant her heart walked around outside of her body with them. She had built huge walls to keep it from happening again. She had believed him when he said he was different, when he begged her to let him in those walls. She had warned once she let the walls down, she was likely to fall fast and hard; and still he asked. She pushed herself to let him inside sooner than she would have ever done prior. He now owned her heart, her soul, and her mind. She had given every part of herself to him, and yet, he had no intention of returning the gesture. He kept his walls firmly in place, he kept her at arms length, and then when he was bored he left her alone. The more she remembered and thought of him, the heavier the tears flowed down her checks. She wanted nothing more than to have him hold her and yet she wanted nothing more than to never see him again.
She remembered when they first began talking how easy and yet awkward things had started. She could recall with such ease, the feel of his hands on her face, holding back her hair as he told her how beautiful she was; something no one else had ever told her; something she knew to be a lie, but such a beautiful lie from such beautiful lips. She should have realized then that if he could lie to her so easily he would never be truly honest or open with her. She recalled the intent stare of his gaze and the comforting feel of his hands on her skin. She remembered long conversations about everything and nothing. She recalled his constant discussion about "if we are to be together" he needed honesty and faithfulness.
She was fine in the beginning, having fun, getting to know someone. Then he decided to talk about a future and tell her how amazing and magical she was. She began to believe he really saw her in the way he claimed he did. All of sudden, it all went dark. The good morning text messages disappeared. The phone calls just to see how she was doing ended. He vanished unless she started to conversation.
She inhaled deeply trying to not start sobbing for fear if she did she would never stop. She had not been able to stop the tears that sprung to her eyes everytime she thought of him and the lies he had spun, the web she had been caught so cleverly in simply because he had been bored. She had been a simple distraction and game. Once she admitted she belonged to him in every sense of the word, he disappeared on her and left a huge gapping void in his absense.
While the void left her breathless and feeling like the world was crashing on her shoulders, the final words he spoke to her hurt worse than anything else he could have done or said to her. She would have preferred a slap to the face, or even a fist, to the the words he left in print - that she was the reason why she had been abandoned, the one thing he had promised he would not do to her. It was her FAULT her mother, her father, her friends, her past loves, and the numerous others had walked away from her. Even more, it was her fault because she cared too much, did too much, because in essense she was herself, it drove others away.
Now she lay in bed, with the tears streaming down her face, fighting to catch her breath. She lay there, half a person as he had taken her heart and her soul. Her mind was filled constantly with thoughts of him, general thoughts, memories of their time, wanting to speak to him and yet really feeling like if he cared, he should reach out to explain the painful, hurtful words he used to throw in her face. She almost felt she would be better off not sleeping as every night was riddled with dreams of him. Even her subconscious belonged to him.
Even with the pain, she wasn't ready to walk away, but she was also not willing to seek out further punishment from him. She had told him she was hurt and it made no difference to him, he only clamined by her expression of the pain he caused her was her using him as a punching bag. Another slap would have been better received.
She was so confused by his words and actions when he had made all these claims about her. Which was the lie? Was it all a lie? Had the beginning when he had seemed trustworthy and caring been the lie? Was the lie when he claimed he cared so deeply and needed her in his life? Was the lie about needing her only a way for him to start stepping away with the hope there would be less hurt? Was the lie he couldn't be just friends? Was the lie he ever gave cared at all?
She once trusted him so completely. She thought him good and wonderful. She thought him a next to the Greek Gods....a legend she was so blessed to know. Yet to know he could treat someone like her, who was so willing to do anything and everything for others, especially those she cared so deeply fo, with such contempt and callousness; to shut the door on their friendship and any other relationship they had so easily and blame it all on her; she felt everything about him had been a lie.
Now, she let loose the sobs. She could it back no longer. She had such faith in him, such trust. Her judge of character was usually not so far off the mark. People say things they don't always mean, but the things he said had cut so deeply and his unwillingness to put forth any effort to smooth the pain, to soften the blow or straight out apologize for being a coldhearted jackass; it really felt as if she had meant nothing when he had meant everything.
She had already decided she would build her walls back, stronger, thicker, taller than they were originally. The only drawback, he already had her heart. The worst part, he never wanted and didn't want it now, yet once she knew once she gave her heart willingly, she couldnot simply have it returned. As with past loves, it would take years; even then, she wasn't sure she could ever forget or move on with her live. She was his, for better or worse; apparently worse as he did not want her.