I am not done

It has been a while since I have written. I should be sleeping. I have not felt well or "right" for days. I feel dizzy, almost loopy, with this somewhat floating sensation. It is like not being a part of my body and I hate it. The feeling has caused vomiting and exhaustion. It has caused me to be extremely irritable with my family which it isn't their fault I feel this way however they do nothing to help while I am "out of commission." I am surrounded by selfish people.
I have a few very close friends who have been my shoulder to lean and cry on lately. They have held me, let me drink, listened to my rants, wiped my tears, and continued to support me while I further seek self indulgent punishment.  They are the friends I will never have to question how they feel about me. They hold a mirror to my face while still being overly supportive. They are there and answer me when I reach out to them. They tell me when they will not be availavle. They have been kind.
My heart breaks for reasons undeserving. For the loss of what I had thought was a great friendship but can't seem to lend an ear when I need or be present when I ask. I had and for some strange reason still highly esteem this person, yet the insults and accusations have hurt me deeply. The pain I feel from having someone I so openly trusted call me a liar without details to back up the claim is beyond anything I can describe.  To have that same person who was so much a part of my life make said accusations then refuse to speak to me verifies to me how very little I truly meant to them. I have been through so much that I trust very few people. I am not outgoing. I dont seek others. I dont let down my walls for anyone. There are even parts of my barrier walls I haven't let down for my children which sounds bad as a mom and according to said person, I am a pretty crappy mom, so that just proves the point. Yet, I let them in, all the way. I broke down all the barriers and allowed all the trust. To know how fooled I was or am, yes, that stings. What hurts even more is knowing if the person would pull their head from their anus for one moment and act like half a person again, I would leave all the barriers down.
My heart breaks. My tears fall. The relationship dies, I suppose.
I try to embrace it. I try to move on with my life, but the pain of being so wrong and giving so much keeps me tied in place. If someone doesn't want to be included in my life, I should be fine letting them walk the other direction. I am just not fully prepared yet to do so with this person. I invested so many parts of my heart and soul to them that I feel walking away is just the easy way. I won't beg them to stay, but I can't bring myself to close that door yet either.
I am not done.....
I do  not know if it would be easier or harder for them to not be done....but I sincerely hope they are not done yet either.
I am trying to hold steadfast in waiting for them to communicate first. If not....will I be strong enough to continue to wait. Can I love myself enough to let it go?
I am not done........