love letter

Dear you,

It has been a while since we have really talked. Does it seem so long for you? I once shared all my dreams, desires, and fear with you. Now, I keep most of it to myself.
I miss the way you would push me to be better. I miss the way you calm me. I miss you. I miss who I am when I am with you. Mostly, I miss us.
You are larger than life. You are all I dreamt I could find. You are far from perfect, but that makes you better. I didn't fall in love with a perfect person, I feel in love with a real one. I feel in love you. You have your dark side. I was honored when you showed me your demons. You have a sensitive side as well. I really think that side of you, the side fearful  of being hurt, or maybe even more fearful of hurting someone else, is why you put your walls and such distance between us. The only problem, you broke me, my heart, and my trust in the process.
I told you, I would be there for as long as you would allow. I meant that with every fiber of my being. It would not matter how much time or distance there may be between us, if you really needed me, if you really wanted me, I would be there at your side.
You claim you are no good to me. How can that be true? In the beginning, you politely held the mirror to may face and made me face my own demons rather than run from them. You helped me find my smile again as well as parts of me I thought were lost long ago. If you are bad for me, then why is it that I feel so comfortable in your presense? Why are you my natural anti-anxiety?
The claim you cause me more anxiety is so far from the truth it is almost laughable. You don't cause me any anxiety, your absense in my life cause me anxiety.
I have been bent, broken, knocked down, walked on, beat up, put down....the list of horrific acts committed to me by people I trusted is almost endless. I cannot be cruel to others because I know exactly how that cruelty feels. It wasn't until I fully began to trust you when some of your own cruel acts began to surface. However, unlike those who did it only to watch me suffer, I sincerely feel you do such to keep from hurting me or maybe more so to keep from hurting yourself if I happen to turn out like any of your past. The sad thing, that mindset of pushing me away is what broke me the most.
I think about you all the time still. My heart is in my throat as I write this, my eyes clouded with tears. I miss what was along with what could have been.
I am not perfect myself. I have my flaws. I have been left so much by those who claimed to care and those who should have loved me unconditionally, I often assume people are leaving when maybe they are not. You accused me of that with you. I told you early in our conversations, I worry sometimes I am self-prophesying. I am so skeptical of people, whether it be they are honest or they will stay or they really care; I often push people away by not just letting them be themselves and love me for me.
I did ask you once, just one time to say it, but you couldn't. I feel like you loved me, but just once I needed to hear it. You refused to give me my request.
You can water a flower and give it artifical light, but until you give it true sunshine and natural water, you will never see it bloom to its full potential. I believe the same is true for people. You began with "natural sunlight and water" or maybe it was all fake..... You would tell me the things I needed to hear. Then, you took it all away and left me in a corner. I am wilting away.
I have gone back to who I was before I met you. I will keep to myself. I will bite my tongue. I do not smile as I did with you. The biggest difference between who I am now and who I was before you seems to be the tears which constantly cloud my eyes. Sometimes, I hold them at bay, right at the lids; other times, they fall hard and fast like the rain outside my window currently.
You walked into my life and made me feel. Then you walked out like it was nothing. Not feeling meant there wasn't this pain in my chest or this struggle to breathe.
I miss you. I understand you don't want me anymore; however, it doesn't make it any easier. I wish one day you will realize you miss me. I can guarantee, I will still be missing you. I gave you all of me. It doesn't matter if you give that all back, I can't accept it. It will wait on the doorstep where you left it, until you are ready to take it back. If that day never comes, the day you really want to be with me; at least I knew for a breif period in time what it was like to love you and be happy. I will have the memories forever.
I wish I could easily move forward and forget you, but that is not who I am. I will never move past you. It has taken me half my life to 'move past' previous loves, and those were all from when I didn't really know what love was - a rose on valentines day, a starlight proposal, a kiss underwater at the city pool - they were the loves of a girl, a child. If it took 15 or more years to move past those, when I was young and niave, how long do you think it will take the woman I have become to move past this love, what many would truly claim was the love of my life? I won't. I know that now - as a fact.
Deciding many years from now to move forward with a social life would not mean my heart had healed and I had moved on from loving you. My heart doesn't work that way. The same way you have loved and still do those of your past even while with someone else, I will love you. I will never be able to fully give myself to anyone again unless that person is you.
I feel like the stupid cliche'. Have you seen the "NoteBook".... I feel like I should write you a letter every day for the next year. You won't come back then and I know it. Yet, when the time comes, if it ever does, when I decide to move forward instead of remaining stagnant in the dark corner where you left me, I will be sure who ever I speak to or spend time with understands, my heart will always belong to you. If you were to ever walk back into my life, they would know exactly where I would stand - beside you.
I miss you. I miss us. I miss the feel of you hands on my body. I miss the intesity of your eyes when you enter me. I miss the way you would hold me away from you just so you could look at me. I miss feeling beautiful in YOUR eyes.
I don't care what the world thinks of me. I do care about what you think of me. If this is our next chapter, then yes, it is a sad one. I will do my best to hold my head high, while the tears drip from my cheeks...
Somewhere, deep down, I will try to have hope in a few more chapters our paths will cross again only this time to continue side by side.
You hurt me. I have said things out of pain, some of which I regret - not all, but some. I do not wish to see you in pain, but there would be some comfort if I felt this wasn't so easy on you; easy for you to leave me, to walk away. I feel you will forget me. Just know, unless there is some freak accident, I will NEVER forget you. I will think of you daily. I will miss you lips on mine, my hand in yours, our bodies together. I will miss all I could have been with your push and support. Mostly, I will continue to miss us.
You hurt me and continue to do so. I am not saying you did or do so on purpose. However, the pain, the broken,. the tears, are all real just the same. I told you once before, I meant it then as I mean it now, it would be so much easier if I didn't love you. If I could just turn it off, I would do so, but I can't. I love you. I all of you...even the part of you that enjoys irritating me, the side of you that hurts me, the side of you that you want to hide from the world but I was lucky enough to see.... I LOVE YOU. I will continue to do so until I take my last breath. The pain I feel from you being gone, the void in my life and the uncontrollable tears, ....all of that makes me wish that last breath would come sooner rather than later. The very very small portion of me still holding onto my hopeful nature, tells me not to be rash but patience will return you to me.
In the mean time, I will continue to send my thoughts I can no longer share out into the netisphere...I will continue to pour my heart into my writing. I will continue to LOVE you.
Missing you, loving you...always....