life goes on

I am not playing the emotional victim. There are many things I just don't understand, so many contridictive comments. I wish I could understand better, but I have lost the will to continue to fight for what I once thought was worth fighting for.
I do and will continue to miss you. I trusted and really opened up for the first time in a long time. I won't say I was taken advantage, but I was a very low point. The distraction was welcome as was the companionship. However, the push for me to let down my guard, to open, to let you in; those were selfish actions on the behalf of someone who wanted to have control. Sad thing, you had it all. There were words said which I once believed to be true but now, looking back, see how hollow and hypothetical they were. I was so desperate to be loved; I sincerely believed when you claimed you were feeling the same thing which only made me fall harder.
I love you unconditionally. I would walk through fire for you. I would drive hundreds of miles if you asked. I would give my soul to rescue yours. There is not much I wouldn't do, or rather would not have done for you. I would likely wait an eternity to be yours; only you never wanted me. You chased, and I gave into the prowl. You tried to change me, but am I not fine the way I am? You wanted me to be someone different, but I am not her.
I am sad. I am a little lost. I am also finding my strength to forge ahead and release the memories. Reminds me of a song: " Tell me something that's poetic at best, make me believe there was a time that you weren't like the rest, and I'll never ask you again; for all the moments and the memories, no on could ever say we never had a history".... The memories make me want you in my life now and I don't think either of us are ready. You have my heart and I don't know that I will ever get it back. I am so tired of giving my all to people who pick and choose what pieces of themselves they are willing to give me. Do I not deserve to get all of someone when I have given all of me? I know if you read this you will think I mean all of you all the time, but that isn't it; I just want you to give me all of you in the way I have given all of me. I want you to want to spend time with me; not all your time, just time. You claim you don't have time, but then you say all you have is time.
There was a moment, longer than fleeting, when you wished to have all the moments we could spend; you wanted to hear all of my words. Now, you grow tired and bothered by the things I say. I stay busy in an attempt to not let my mind wander to you. It helps for the most part, but then...but then I stop and you are everywhere. I can't stop thinking of you; a lobotomy sounds pretty good right now.
You state I am crazy and toxic. Really? All I wanted was for you to be happy and to share some of that happiness in small moments. How is does wanting you to be happy equate to being toxic? I wish I could understand.
I have always said I believe in the fairy tale, but the fairy tale for me doesn't mean what it does to most. It means coming home to someone who sees me. It means having someone in my life who is willing to share the load; no one wants to do all the work, but when you work together - life is a little easier. The fairy tale is having someone look at me the way they did when we first kissed; with passion and desire. The fairy tale doesn't mean never arguing, but it means taking time to work through those arguments so you don't go to bed upset with one another. It doesn't mean agreeing on everything, it means agreeing to disagree. It means having a partner you tell everything; and who tells you everything; who when you have a bad day doesn't want to always show you the sunny side but will give you a hug and snuggle in a chair or the couch and tell you they are there. Or on those really bad days when life just doesn't seem worth living, will show up and listen; not find excuses why they can't be there.
There is a lot I will miss. I will continue to cry. Eventually the pain will become an old hat; life goes on; and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will never forget. The pain won't go away. I won't heal. I will just learn to live with it as I have most things. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier.