things to say

She stared at the screen. She had just typed out the message and was reading it. She deleted it entirely. She typed out a new sentence, and then deleted it. The more she tried to communicate, the more frustrated she became. She knew anything she said would be seen as petty or hateful and that wasn't the intent. Maybe the bridge was better left burned.
The day had started off completely ironic and the one person she wished to share it with didn't want to hear it. She had spent months early in their relationship searching for his elusive ex of which he had spoken so underminingly. This morning while scrolling through her social media feed, the ex had appeared. It had taken her completely off guard; and yet, she couldn't help but be curious and delve into the rabbit hole and click on the profile. Curiousity killed the cat; satisfaction brought it back. A week, a month, or even 3 months ago, she wouldn't have even bothered. She would have screen shot the irony and sent it to him in a text message and laughed about it. However, his recent description of her sounded so like the description of his ex, she couldn't help but be intrigued. She almost wanted to send her a message and see if they could do coffee sometime. She wanted another perspective on this person she had thought she had known but had been so good at hiding his real thoughts and actions.
She didn't know many people who knew him. She really didn't have anything bad to say about him, but he had a lot to say about her - all negative- which is why she felt his true self had never really surfaced. If he had felt the way he described her recently, maybe he wasn't who she had thought he was.
She admired his intelligence. She admired his dedication to his family. She admired a lot about him. So why the sudden shift and the burning of the bridge? Often his words were positive; and when they were, they made her feel secure. However, there were times when he let slip negative thoughts about her and she questioned his true feelings. It reminded her a lot of one of her exs. The ex would tell her she was beautiful, hot, sexy, intelligent - then a day or two later tell her she was a fat cow, no one would look at her twice, and she was dumb as a box of rocks. The ex would put her down and then throw a bone occasionally to make her happy and want to stick around him. It is very easy to fall into that trap.
The thing she couldn't tell about him was whether he was pulling the gas lighting thing her ex pulled or if he said the hurtful things because he was lashing out during a disagreement or argument - if he was using it as a way to detach himself from her. Either way, it was hurtful and hit too close to home to a life she had left behind long ago. She hadn't been ready to walk away from him regardless, but the argument had spiraled out of control so fast, she didn't see anyway to fix it. She had been the last to speak and he had not responded. She wasn't going to dive back into the hornets nest, she was still feeling the sting days after the incident and wasn't prepared to be hurt any more; not now. The tears welled in her eyes as she saw he was online and she wanted to just say hi. She had been curious who he was now online to chat with as he claimed he didn't use social media, but only to chat with her. Any night while they had talked in the past 6 months he had been in bed at 10 pm and it was well past that time. She had noticed during the morning he had been online around 4:30 or 5 am. Again, she was curious if he just couldn't sleep, or if he had already found a new relationship - one which didn't wear him down the way he claimed she did.
She still wondered about his ex. The hour was growing late and an early morning awaited. She typed out another sentence, but fear of being snarky instead of witty caused her to delete it yet again. As she looked at the screen while she deleted it, she realized he was no longer online. She sighed and realized it was probably for the best. Most of what she wanted to say she had said a hundred times before and it never made any difference. She cared about him and she missed him. She wished they weren't at such odds but didn't know how to fix it or even if it was worth fixing. She wished to tell him about his ex just for the irony of it. She realized none of it likely mattered to him. The tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned off the screen. She rolled over, hugging her own body, and cried into her pillow, whispering "I love you."