A touch

She lay on the bed on her right side, curled up in a fetal position. The pain in her head was beyond compare.  It was making her sick at her stomach. The pain in her leg was almost as intense. She had hoped that one would help her forget the other but there was no such luck, yet.
As she lay there, she imagined him curled up behind her. He had her head resting on his right bicep while he stroked her hair with his left hand. He had his right check next to her head so his lips rested at her left ear.
She spoke, almost in a whine, at the tone of a whisper, "it hurts." 
"I know babe, I know," he said in a tone slightly above a whisper as he continued to stroke her hair. He curled in tighter to her body. The feel of him behind her was a comfort. She had been begging for release from the pain, and somehow the imaginary feel of him holding her was helping to alleviate it.
She felt the feel his hand leave her hair and run down her arm. "What can I do to help?"
"You're doing it.....believe it or not....just being here."
"Well, that is good to hear."
She could hear the sincerity in his voice along with the smile on his face. His body was warm and comforting, which was huge help as the pain made her feel as though she were freezing. Her body shook with the chills and her teeth began to chatter slightly. She felt his arms wrap around her and bring warmth back into her body.
"Just don't leave me. Hold me"
The longer she imagined him there holding her, the more her body relaxed. The relaxation helped to ease the pain. This process of mediation was both helpful and harmful. She wanted what wasn't real. She saw him all the time, held private conversations in her mind. When she slept, his face haunted her dreams. When she woke, he was the first thing that came to her mind.
She began to become dependent upon hearing his voice. She would often replay conversations they had on a continuous loop in her mind knowing it helped to bring a smile to her face. There was something in the way he could so easily compliment her, or see a silver lining in every negative she saw that she came to need his company like a drug. His sunny side helped her cope through the bad.
She felt his lips on her hair. She inhaled deeply then exhaled. The feel of him, his arms in the way they held her, the way his body felt, the feel of his hug, his caresses, and even the way he stroked her hair were so common to her now, she could image the whole scenario this way, just as if it were real. Although part of her longed for it to be real, a larger part was glad it was not. She wasn't sure she was ready for the demands of a real relationship. Right now she could live in the half truths of what they had, no real commitment and yet still receiving some positive from their interactions.
In her thoughts, his hand moved back to run his fingers through her hair before stroking it once again. "I hate seeing you in pain."
"This too shall pass." It was the only witty thing she could muster at the moment. She wanted to stay where she was forever, lost in the ideals and fantasy of his touch. Hearing all the right words, yet not having to commit to a reality. Nights like this made her not want to leave her bed, let alone the house. She wanted to remain in her thoughts, thoughts that currently centered around him.
"It will, I know it will. I just don't like seeing you like this. I enjoy seeing you vulnerable. I do not like seeing you unwell. There is a difference.You know that."
She slightly shook her head. She had never known that there was a difference. She had not been raised to allow herself the luxury of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable to her meant being weak, and she did not have time in her life to be weak. There was too much to deal with; to much to do, there just wasn't any time at all for such crazy notions. There also wasn't time to be sick, she knew, but that didn't stop her from being in bed for hours that night, wishing away the pain, meditating, concentrating on the unreality of his holding her and being there.
She knew with all her heart that everything that happens, does so for a particular reason. All too often, that reason might not manifest itself to at the moment when it happens. People, especially those like him, were meant to come into her life. He walked into her life, or she into his, at that particular moment, that their paths crossed because the timing was right for it to happen. She needed him, and for some reason she did not know right now, he needed her just as much. They were only living in moments together. Stolen moments that were too far between. The voids between these moments left her hollow and wanting. The times together were there because for whatever reason, their lives needed each other. One day they would understand it all.
She knew soon they would walk away and that would be the end. She wanted nothing more than to keep him where they were right now in her thoughts with him behind her, holding her, talking to her. She knew he would leave her. Everyone left her. Everyone needed to move onto their next big step, and for some reason it was always away from her. She had already made peace with the fact he wasn't their now, and would soon not be there at all. That was the solace she found in the thought of him being there now, in the room holding her, talking to her, stroking her hair. She knew deep down he would not be in the reality of her life for long. Her images of him there with her was her thoughts admitting he would no longer be sharing those small pieces of her life he currently shared with her. Their paths would move away from each other, and they would only become a memory to one another. This was both hard on her while also a welcome reality. This was the way it had been with all people in her life.
Right now, however, she was content in the hallucination of his being there. She needed to feel strong arms around her holding her as if she were fragile. Her pain and her weakened emotional state left her needing. The reality of always being alone was too harsh at this moment. In this moment, the idea that she was with someone who cared to see her happy and free of pain helped in her relaxation. If only that person really existed. She knew the physical person he was, but this image in her mind was what she wanted it to be not what would really be had this moment happened.