Emotional Rollercoaster - Written Jan 26 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster    Written: Jan 26 2009 @ 7:26pm

Current mood:scared

You can only be a home wrecking whore if you save lives. So this has become the motto lately. For those who know me well, this is a severely inside joke. :)

Why is when we are at our worst is when we get hit with the most drama? When is closure worth the hurt and pain? Why do the questions never stop? And why does the hurt not go away? When will life's choices and tests make sense? What lessons are we learning?

My lessons seem to be waiting out there on the horizon somewhere, just out of sight where I can't quite see what the point is for what I am going through. I've been put through a lot of tests and trials over the past few months and feel there is no end in sight. I begin to ask the question, "why?" When will it end? I know life is full of nothing but tests and trials, and apparently I am giving some other poor soul a rest with all I am going through. There are trials at home, at work, with friends and with loved ones.

I haven't talked to my mother or brother in over 2 years. Out of the blue right before Christmas, my brother decided to contact me. I bawled like a baby for hours afterward. It opened up old wounds that I had finally started to let heal. He wanted me to call our mom. I tried. I wanted it to work. There is nothing that hurts a child worse than being shunned by a parent that they have spent most of their life with, but unlike my brother who seems ready to forgive, forget and move on, my mother still refused to talk to me. That hurts. Trying to find closure is not always worth the pain you feel from it. However, in this case, I guess it is worth the pain I am still dealing with since I know that I have tried, I've given all I can, and it's still not enough.

In another instance, I had a very close friend of mine come back into my life, and because we started talking again, I had another friend step back into my life. A friend who once upon a time was always there for me and then one day, just disappeared, taking my heart and breaking it in two when he did. We have recently spoken, and the closure that came, even though I knew what had happened, helped me to heal, especially when I heard the words that I had speculated come from his mouth. It feels good to have him walk back in to my life, at the same time, I am leary.  I've missed my friend, the person whom I could tell anything to, whom I was always bluntly honest with, and who was honest with me, but at the same time, how would I handle it if he just disappears again. I don't think my heart can take that twice.

The pain has been bad lately. There has been too much drama and too many voices in my head at once, all screaming to get out. They were silenced for too long, and all of a sudden something awoke, and they won 't shut up. The pain is there with them, always in the background. Behind every one of my smiles, are 10 tears waiting patiently for their turn. I feel like I am not good enough to those whom mean the most to me, and yet to others, I seem to be their wildest desire. Why the drama? Why is when we just one to be the world to ONE person, can they not see us? Why do we feel invisible to the only person we want to see us? Why does it seem that those we don't want to notice us are the only ones who do?

No matter what I do lately, I am not good enough. I am trying to get myself right for the sake of making us work, but what matters to me only pisses him off. How can we work, when he doesn't like who I am? When do I get to quit crying myself to sleep at night? When does the pain go away? What can I do to help the pain; to start helping my own self esteem?

One day I was on the path, it was warm, there was light, and I felt at peace. Then, I was behind a brick wall, left in the dark, unable to see anything, feeling alone. I can hear voices on the other side, but no matter how hard I scream, no one can hear me. It is cold where I am. I can't even see my hand in front of my face, it's so dark. I walk and all I feel are sharp thorns tearing at my clothes and the brick wall. I feel empty, alone, lost, scared. Help me! I need help. I am lost and can't find my way. I am alone and need someone to save me. Can I save myself? I want out of this dark. I want to feel the light on my face again. I want to feel warmth. I need to feel love, and peace. I am so sick of the condemning pity I feel for myself.