A Christmas Letter

Dearest you,

Doesn't seem like it has been a year past since I sat beside you and gave you a Christmas present that I had completely put my heart, soul and thought into finding for you. There was so much reasoning put into that small gesture; something goofy, something whimsical, and something close to the heart. The explanation of the key still holds as true today as it did a year ago. I want nothing more for you than to find happiness and love beyond belief in a peer; and for all I know, maybe you really do have that and try to play it off as not. I often wonder sometimes if I have ever met the real "you" or if you have only ever shown me versions of you which you want me to see. 

Regardless of the answer, I gave you my heart - much like the lyrics to the song - "last Christmas, I gave you my heart and on the very next day, you gave it away, this year.." it was not long after, I found myself rejected by you. While I had given you my heart well before Christmas, and if you could only see inside my head or my heart, rewind time to know I had given you my heart and all of who I am before I ever boarded that plane. I was mortally wounded by your accusations which you still bring up regularly because I would have then nor now ever thought of looking at another male or person for that matter the way I look at you. I could never give myself to anyone else because I already gave it away, whether it was accepted or not, for better or worse, I am yours. I will likely go to my grave still feeling this way. The other side of the hurt, I was trying to be a version on me you claimed you wanted/wished me to be, a more outgoing vocal, sure of myself version. I was only able to be sure of myself when I felt you stood beside me and took pride in being with me. How quickly that all changed and how quickly being sure of myself caused you anger and my meekness to return. I cannot be the person who causes pain and frustration to others just for attempting to be a better version of myself. Instead, I will now keep to the corner as a wallflower. I will not speak freely with those I do not know unless they approach me first. This isn't meant to be a "punching bag" session, but rather to explain I tried it your way, and I hurt one of the very few people in the world I would rather walk through fire than hurt. 

The worst part, while I do feel you tried to start a fight before I boarded the plane and felt betrayed simply by my leaving in the first place so you were looking to be upset, I do feel before I left, I had a large part of your heart. I really feel when I came back, you still felt very strongly about me. However, you convinced yourself I easily dismissed you and felt completely betrayed by the action; I konw I would have felt similiar. I never dismissed you but only ever thought of you as I still do. You ability to view the events as a complete betrayal and dismissal helped you later to dismiss my feelings and deny your own to the point you resented me and I believe you still do. That resentment from you hurts so much. 

This year, had you not insisted on being irrate and irritated by my wanting to present you with a small token, you would have received in all it's spectacular glory, a gaudy makeshift "locket" and "key", meant to signify my heart and the key to it. A locket, because after the past several months or longer, I have closed my heart back up and locked it back down, but the only person who now possesses the power to unlock my heart is you. You hold not only the key to my heart but the lock itself. It does not matter if another comes into my life, you would have to give permission to me and the other person to allow them access to even try to the lock to my love and adoration. 

It seems so ignorant of me to feel such a way about someone who is so easily dismissive of me, but the heart, the mind, emotion is an odd creature that no one can explain. I wish you were easy to walk away from or that I was a person who could just cut a person out of their life, but that isn't me. I am trying to learn to put myself first so that I can quit feeling so "less than." It isn't easy as I miss you so each and every day. Even when we don't speak, you cross my mind a 1,000 times in a day. Even when we don't see each other, I still whisper to the air that I love you. Almost everything for the past month, you have visited my dreams. I hope as I write this, it will relieve some of the emotion I have and am feeling and will put some closure to "us." 

Regardless of the closure, know, my heart is still yours, as it has been and as it will continue. You are the only one who can unlock it, or with luck, allow permission to someone worth (possibly worthier than you) to unlock it so that I may love again. 

I have stated multiple times, I am not perfect. I am flawed; possibly beyond being able to be loved. My heart is kind and my soul is gentle. I am just skittish. I wish I would have been more skittish with you. It would likely have saved me a lot of restless nights, saved a ton of anxiety, and would have kept me more protected. What is done is done, and it can't be undone, so learn and move forward. I have leared from different scenarios with you and I thank you for the growth. Unfortunately, while I am generous and giving and caring, I am also greedy and wanted your heart, something I will never have. 

I guess I need to just say it one more time, my dearest you, I love you. I love you as I have from more than a year. Each day, even with silence and distance, the love for you grows both in becoming more love than I can express but also as it matures; unconditionally, absently, etc. You do not have to be in my life daily for me to love you as I do. I wish you nothing but happiness and positive energy inthe coming year; even if it is without me.
Until we meet again, know you are always on my mind and in my heart. 

Loving you always and forever, 

The girl you put a spell on