Anybody out there

She sat on the bed, blankets pulled up, heating pad under her feet. It was the end of summer, fall was just around the corner. The days were still reaching 90 degree temperatures and yet at night she just could not get or stay warm.
She was working on a few things on the computer, preparing for the next day. In the background she kept several programs running. There had been radio silence for 24 hours. She wanted to reach out, but considering she was always the one starting a conversation, she had hoped for a little effort. There had been no calls, no text messages, no private messages, nothing. She tried to focus her attention on items she could control, like the work she needed to finish.
She didn't want to play games. It wasn't her nature. Part of her felt waiting for him to make contact was a game, while the other half felt waiting for someone who she felt she annoyed half the time to make contact, was respectful so she did not continue to annoy. He made her feel like she was a chore rather than enjoyable company. Feeling less than anything was not a good place for her. She had been working to eradicate such negativity from her life. She did not want to cut ties, but she knew once the first 24 hours was complete, waiting for him to say he wanted her in his life without her having to seek such confirmation would become easier.
She had been busy most of the day. She had very few moments to do anything personal. She had even fewer to participate in her guilty pleasure of checking social media. The occassionally messaged using the private messaging applications within in social media. The handful of times she had checked the private messaging to see if he had been active, she had just missed his being online.
At this knowledge, half of her wondered who he spent time talking to on the site; a friend, family member, a replacement to occupy his time. The other half wondered if he was seeking a message from her. Again, no games were intended. She was just tired of always feeling like a nuisance. She asked several time for him to meet her to chat, and each time was told no. The constant rejection and lack of enthusiasm made it hard for her to feel like she was anything more than a burden on his time and an irritation to him.
She had recently taken time to "serve her heart on a silver platter" so to say, giving him the knife and gun and map to all the places and ways to hurt her. He claimed he would respond and like any other time such claims were made, he never did. He had made a lot of comments and even promises and never followed through. Yet, she was the bad person for being upset when he let her down. It all confused her so much.
She checked the site one more time, and turned her attention back to work, the one constant, security in her life. Her day had not been bad. She had continued to focus on the positives. As always, she went above and beyond for those around her. She had done several items at work, both related to her job and not related, which were not required and for which she had not much time to accomplish, but it had made others happy as it made their job eaiser. One of those had nothing at all to do with work, but had made her supervisor extremely pleased on a personal level, which made her feel accomplished and proud of taking those moments.
She had never expected others do as much as she was willing to do for them. She knew people in general did not operate in that capacity. She just wanted those she cared for to reach out and tell she was missed, she was cared for, she was needed (in some capacity). She had thought recently of taking her life. She sincerely though about it now, and wondered exactly how many people, aside from her children who would really miss her. Some would be saddened for a day or two, but most wouldn't think twice about it a week down the road. Life would resume, she would be forgotten, until a "remember when" story surfaced. At her age, those stories were so few and far between. She wondered if anyone would even be aware she was gone once she was.
Which made her think of him again. She was not missed by him. He had no reason to reach out to her. She would continue to sit and stare at the screen in front of her and work on the items she could control. Tomorrow would either be easier or a little harder, but she knew, the longer he went without putting forth an effort toward her, the more he confirmed he never really cared.
She felt yet again she had been gaslighted. She decided the screen was getting her no where and so she shut down the computer, turned off the lights, and lay in bed, with a whisper into the dark for his heart to hear "I love you" and a prayer she would not dream for she knew if she did it would be of him.