Light and Dark

I have come to the conclusion that some people are born in the light. The live their life in the sun with the warmth on their skin, a smile on their face, and love around them. These people often don't realize just how blessed they truly are, but somehow they are always humble of their good fortune. These people often try to share with everyone around them the happiness, joy, and general light in their life. Most of these people do not try to cause harm to others nor do they enjoy seeing others hurt. They live their lives in a bubble not knowing there is a much harder, crueler reality around them. These are the people for which I try to keep a smile on my face.
I am not one of these people. I am not trying to say I live in the dark, perhaps I live in-between the light and dark. I think, if I am truly comparing light and dark, the dark would be those who live in misery and pain, who seek to destroy those around them. They do this to try to keep themselves from hurting. They feel that if they tear down someone else, they won't feel so alone and hurt, lost to the sun, they live in the night.
I like to think I live in the shadows and occasionally flit through the land of light. I am not angry or aggressive to those who have such "light" lived. Someone needs to be happy for them, to understand for them that the life they lead is very blessed and not had by all. I am very happy for these people. These people of "light" give me hope that one day, maybe, just maybe, I can leave the shadows behind and live in light and love and happiness.
I do not live in aggression but I live in pain. I live in the pain of not knowing a love beyond my children's. I live in pain of often trying to give my heart and receiving nothing back, or worse, having it returned with no intent of ever treating me "right." I live in pain of the love I wanted and never had, from a small child, the love my parents could not or would not provide. I live in pain of my experiences which would have sunk a might lighter happier person than I. Instead, I learned to swim instead of drown in my sorrows. I live in pain and therefore, I live in the shadows. One day, maybe, or maybe not, I will have someone hold me, and claim to love me, ME, only they won't claim, they actually will. They will hold my heart close and know it has been damaged, and it is fragile, and they will heal it with the perfection they are. This faith, however fairy tale it maybe, is what keeps me and my history and my broken battered self from turning to the dark instead of standing at the edge of the shadows.
One day when I realize no matter what, it will never exist for me, I will shed a tear, I will square my shoulders and I will walk willingly to the dark and wilt away until I am gone. I am not built for the dark, but I can not live in the light without love.