Freestyle - March 24 2005

May 24, 2005

freestyle

Current mood:thoughtful

I walked outside Sunday night. I was going to town to return movies that were due back Saturday. It was a beautiful spring night and would have been dark if not for the luminous glow of the full moon, which instantly caught my attention. A full moon, contributor to people acting at odds with themselves. More so than just the beauty of the moon being full, I noticed that it had a ring around it. Usually a sign of trouble. I began to think, "what could the trouble be this time?" 

The last time I had seen a ring around the full moon had been the night of the first time Chris and I had gone out. It was a wonderful night, an unforgettable night. It was a hot summer night, I was dressed in shorts, t-shirt and sneakers, he in a pair of jeans, boots and a t with no sleeves. We drove for hours that night. It was wonderful. Hell, we even stopped by my moms house at midnight that night. That was the night we were suppose to go swimming but he chickened out, no more than 5 feet from the water. I still laugh thinking back, oh, we had wonderful times together. But the start of our relationship was the marked by the omen of that moon the first time we went out. It was happy and wonderful, but nothing but trouble.

My relationship was Chris was so unlike my last, well, whatever one might call it. This last one was nothing more than loneliness. Trying to move on from someone who had made me so happy, I stumbled upon someone who brought not much more than misery. I was used, but at the same time, it was karma, for I was doing nothing more than using him. I am still nursing some wounds from that one, but the healing is definitely moving forward. I finally received closure from it, and I am moving on. The pain has disappeared, it is little more than an odd numbing sensation.
I question the ideas some people have. As a mother, I want nothing short of the best for my children, and granted, I might not have a lot of money at current. Hell, lets be honest, I am living at poverty level. I am a single mother of 2 wonderful boys, a full time college student, but I do work. In less then two years, I will have my bachelors degree in accounting with more than 2 years experience. I will be living above the norm. Social status is about money, but it's also about the way a person thinks, their actions, and what they are doing to better themselves. I grew up poor, white trash many would say, but I have always held my head high, and lived my life better than that. I am not a trashy person. I have standards, and often get criticized for my champagne taste on beer budget. But, as a mother, I would most definitely expect my boys to chose someone of such integrity, instead of trying to set them up with someone who the mentality of white trash.

I am beginning to ramble. I am more or less just venting. I am happy today. Happier than I have been in a five months. I miss Chris, but there will be others down the line who will treat me just as well, if not better. What I miss the most about him, I could act like I was 15 again, and never get criticized for it, he stood beside me doing the same thing. He made me laugh and never made me feel less than what I was. Everyone should be so lucky.