Night walks

The cool air met my skin as I jumped from my vehicle. I put in my earbuds, turned on my music, grabbed my water bottle, and began to walk. The early signs of fall had appeared and made for a good night to escape into my own head for a while. I enjoyed walking as it left me alone to move through thoughts and problems. The sky was dark above the tree line. The earlier sunset had been magnificent with the beginning color change of the leaves only intesifing it. The air was cool, but not cold, and much preferred to the heavy humidity that had been hanging around late evenings only a few weeks earlier. The path before me was dimly lit and the trees blocked parts of the sky. The moon was not full, but it was not new either, somewhere in the middle but larger than life casting enough light to illuminate the world around me. The stars were beautiful in the dark ink sky above my head. This was my escape.

The past few weeks had been a blur. The constant on the go schedule left little time for reflection which was probably best, all things considered. As I walked I waded through a mass onset of flashbacks images and remembered conversations. I tried to work my way back to the beginning, but exactly where was the beginning? There had been so much revelation and so much change in such a short period of time. I inhaled deeply, breathing in the cool air and the faint smell of autumn. The branches crunched under my shoes as I tread along the path. Much like my life path with my dreams on the ground, as people came and crushed them underfoot, I was crushing the acorns, branches, and the few fallen leaves that lay there.

My hopes had been high, and it was time to push them back where they belonged, unspoken. I was lost on my path in life. I needed to reevalutate where I had taken that wrong turn. When had I allowed myself to trust? I knew the world was a lonely place to exist. It was even lonelier when trying to live. I felt as if everywhere I turned, I was second guessing motives. Why did that guy hold the door for me? Why did I get a phone call from my dad? Why was my son behaving so well? What did they all want from me? The same happened at work as it did at home, or in public. Why was my supervisor not talking to me? Why was my coworker suddenly so nice? Why was the lady who was always short in attitude suddenly nice? Did I still have a career? Were they conspiring against me? Why did my husband who never spoke to me suddenly so concerned with what I was doing? Did he really think I had something to hide? Or was he hiding something from me? Was the world out for me and the happiness I had recently aquired? Or was I so insignificant that I just really didn't matter to the universe or the cosmic powers?

The little moments made me happy. I needed to focus on the small pictures and hope it would paint a bigger pictures. I was steadily climbing the trail at this point. The temperature had dropped slightly and the air made my skin tingle. The burning of the cool air in my lungs and the pushing of my muscles, all made me feel alive. It was like the first time I jumped into his truck. I felt alive. I can so easily call to my mind his smile and his eyes. I can remember the softness of his lips on mine as if we just kissed. I breathe deeply and try to shake the image from mind. The flashbacks were coming too fast and almost too much to handle. Spaghetti and waffles I think to myself as I push forward. I need to compartmentalize my thoughts. I have to separate out my thoughts; home, work, kids, husband, sports, fun; each had it's own compartment. If I would take the time to break them down, I know I would find it easier to handle each challenge and move forward with solid decisions.

I have almost reached the end of the path before I begin my travel back to my vehicle. I was still so lost in thought and trying so hard to organize them. I can't stop thinking of how much I would love to be sitting in the front seat of that truck, riding around the dark roads at night, simply talking about anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. There was an ease of sitting beside him on the seat that I didn't feel the need to have my guard in place or the need for constant analysis of every word, action, or turn. Whn I was around him, I felt a peace, a calmness, I hadn't felt in a very long time. I also had this strange comfort that I often regretted later as I would open up more than I had in a long time. As I made the last corner on the trail before beginning the trek back to the parking area, I sat on a large boulder, leaned back, and looked up at the trees and stars above my head. I watched the twinkling of the tiny balls of gas in space millions of miles away, many of which were likely no longer still alive. My life suddenly felt so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Why was I important? What was the legacy I was leaving behind when I was gone? Had I done anything worthwhile? The self doubt flared again, and I wondered how much of what I felt while riding in the back roads had been imagined and how much had been real. I had thought on face value it was all real, but in moments of doubt, I worry it was all on me and my hope for more, my need to feel important when maybe it was all nothing more than a game that I was unaware I was playing. The constant fight in my head between wanting to see and believe the best in people and knowing that everyone was in it for themselves made it hard to konw if I could believe in someone else or should I realize there self gain plan waiting at the outcome of it all. It was during this arguement with myself while trying to file it all into neat compartments while looking at the sky that a meteor streaked a beautiful blue green across the night sky, and my wish, my first wish, was for him. At that moment, a tear escaped my eye, as I knew I was on the losing end, but I didn't care, bring on the next chapter.

I rose to my feet and began the return walk. I kept careful watch on the ground and the sky above in alternating rhythms. My life had just been made more complicated and yet more simple in less than 5 seconds as I had made the wish. The fall would come, and I would be more bruised and broken, made harder by the glue that put the pieces back together eventually, but in the mean time, the climb to the top and even the process of falling were to beautiful to miss. It is the small moments that made more beautiful by those that enjoy them with me, that make life the wonderful rollercoaster ride to not be missed. The dips, the turns, the drops, the climbs; the butterflies, the feeling of flying, the heart in the throat, the pit in the stomach, these were the feeling of being alive and they help me get through each day.

I arrived back at the vehicle. I unlocked it, opened the door and slide in the drivers seat. I placed my water bottle in the cup holder, turned off the music, pulled out my ear buds. I put everything back in the center console where it went neatly. I placed the key in the ignition, turned, and the motor came to life. I locked the door, and leaned forward on the steering wheel to take another look at the night sky above me. The stars shone, the moon was large, and another meteor fell, much the way I was falling; soaring one moment, crashing and burning the next; but the soar was worth the crash.